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Posts Tagged ‘White House’

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) Washington, D.C. – Announcing that Ashton Carter will replace outgoing Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, President Barack Obama also praised other candidates who, although passed over, were “both qualified and scary.”

After extolling Carter for his 30-years federal service and in-depth understanding of the defense department’s inner workings, President Obama acknowledged the powerful skill sets offered by the other potential nominees.

“Some are despots, some are imaginary, at least one is Russian. But all are deeply loyal Americans. Well, not the Russian,” said the President, referring to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Candidates for top defense post thank President Obama, vow to band together as Legion of Secretaries of Defense of Doom

Candidates for top defense post thank President Obama, vow to band together as Legion of Secretaries of Defense of Doom

Capitol Hill insiders speculate that Putin was included only because of his strong, unapologetic military stance and that he eats babies.

Also considered for the top defense post:
• Mothra
• Mike Ditka
• Jimmy’s uncle’s pit bull mix
• Lex Luther
• Dalek Prime
• The Joker
• Dark Ghandi
• A really big bomb.

President Obama noted that Carter, a physicist-trained weapons expert and former No. 2 Pentagon official, is better equipped than any other candidate to face the nation’s dire global challenges despite his lack of even the most basic superhuman powers, except for an indestructible, fusion-driven titanium hand.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – New White House security measures that run the gamut for technologically sophisticated to magical have been implemented to safeguard President Barrack Obama from Halloween trick-or-treaters.

“While we aren’t anticipating trouble from the neighborhood kids this year, we are prepared to take lethal action. In fact, we look forward to it,” explained interim U.S. Secret Service Director Rocky “Ace” Butane.

Trick-or-treater and potential White House intruder Timmy Madison, 8 and an octopus, shown here moments before being wrestled to the ground and disarmed of his Hershey bar.

Trick-or-treater and potential White House intruder Timmy Madison, 8 and an octopus, shown here moments before being wrestled to the ground and disarmed of his Hershey bar.

The significant security upgrades come amid revelations that an armed intruder who jumped the White House fence and entered the Executive Mansion last month penetrated far deeper than first disclosed by the Secret Service. Agency officials claimed he had been subdued just inside the entrance.

However, during a contentious Capitol Hill hearing about the breach it was revealed that the intruder tried to enter the Green Room – a parlor often used for formal teas – then moved on to the White House kitchen, where he made himself a turkey sandwich with jack cheese, lettuce and light mayonnaise before walking the Obama family dog Bo who, apparently, isn’t worth shit.

Butane discounted allegations that the intruder also watched pro football in the East Room with several agents before being captured.

“That’s absurd! There was no game on that night,” said Butane.

That day of rancorous questioning on the Hill led to the resignation of Julia Pierson as head of the Secret Service. The new, more aggressive, if somewhat unorthodox, White House security measures, have been implemented by incoming Secret Service director Wile E. Coyote.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGoodWire Services) – Responding to revelations that the National Security Agency secretly monitored the phones of millions of foreign citizens, the agency hopes to make amends by offering a free Domino’s pizza or stuffed cheesy bread to everyone affected.

In a contrite news release, the NSA said “We truly regret disappointing our customers, especially since no one knows that they’re our customers.”

Files leaked by Edward Snowden suggest that the agency tracked the mobile phones of 60 million Spanish and 70 million French citizens in a single month, including the cell phones of the leaders of allied countries.

Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany displays her free pizza – an apology from NSA for monitoring her cell phone.  The NSA also offered to kill one person for her.

Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany displays her free pizza – an apology from NSA for monitoring her cell phone. The NSA also offered to kill one person for her.

Analysis of NSA surveillance operations worldwide revealed that 438-million calls were to order pizza for delivery. Another 86-million requested pizza for pickup, 327,000 added a side salad, and only two calls discussed plutonium.

In the hope of quelling protests by citizens overseas, the agency is promising a free medium thin-crust pizza – one topping only – to every person whose name appeared in NSA files. Trained field agents will deliver the pizzas personally, although for security reasons will leave them in train depot storage lockers, beneath drain pipes, or in the dark corners of abandoned factories.

“But within 30 minutes,” said the release.

“The NSA is deeply sorry for any inconvenience you might have experienced in our efforts to defeat terrorists and their organizations at home and abroad,” the release stated. “Customer satisfaction is our number one goal, although we cannot divulge to customers what we do, where we do it or who is harmed in the process.

“If you have questions or would like further details, expect our call as we know how to reach you.”

Asked about the program, a spokesman for Domino’s Pizza responded, “They’re doing what? When?”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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