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More than half of employed Americans would change their jobs, according to a recent career survey. And with a nod to the National Security Agency, the survey reveals their names, where they live and whether they’re working for you.

The poll was conducted by the University of Phoenix, renowned for their vast experience in online education. (Recruitment tagline: “Why get dressed?”) The results reveal a host of data about job satisfaction that business owners might find troubling.

Of the 1,600 respondents, 55 percent are considering changing their careers; 24 percent are extremely interested in a change; 4 percent are “no shit, really, really, extremely interested!” and 1 percent have already skipped town after dumping Gatorade in the office network server.

Interestingly, only 14 percent of workers said they were in their “dream career”. And they responded in a really annoying, sing-songy, nasal voice, like “I’m in my dreeeeam job!” while eating a coworker’s yogurt stolen from the fridge.

Most dissatisfied with their career path are workers in their early- to mid-twenties, known in the workforce as “millennials” and by their supervisors as “Which one are you?” Companies should place a high priority on attracting and retaining these technically savvy, computer literate employees who often count among their skills how to clean Gatorade out of the office network server.

Perks of Write Good! employment: human-powered transportation.  Summer intern carries senior vowel engineer through Write Good Hall of Be Quiet.

Perks of Write Good! employment: human-powered transportation. Summer intern carries senior vowel engineer through Write Good Hall of Be Quiet.

Clearly, America’s work force is no longer satisfied pursuing a single career. Gone are the days when an employee worked tirelessly at the same firm for years, right up to the day the company’s president would announce, “He’s dead!”

Frankly, those days will be missed by Write Good!: The Multinational, and not just because of the endless stream of petrodollars streaming into our offshore accounts. Write Good’s nearly criminal success – well, in fact criminal – has been built on the loyalty and efforts of our dedicated employees. Let Write Good! tell you a little story about one of them. His name doesn’t really matter. We’ll just call him Writely Good – no exclamation mark.

Born of immigrant parents so poor they didn’t even know where they came from, Writely grew up during one of those “depressions” that economists don’t bother to capitalize. A shy, thoughtful yet industrious youth Writely excelled academically. His positive nature often drew the attention of the nuns; odd, since he was Jewish and didn’t attend a Catholic school. They’d just seem to spot him on the street and take him under their wing.

Writley’s parents, too poor to ask who were these people with wings, welcomed the nuns’ educational support. In just a few years Writley had attained all the intellect, culture and grooming needed to succeed in the business world. A few years later he reached puberty, then, still later, was old enough to seek employment. Tearfully, he kissed his parents goodbye, although they were too poor to walk him to the door, and set off to make his mark on the world.

His career rise was meteoric. Forbes listed him among its “Top 50 Shy, Thoughtful Yet Industrious Youths.” Yet Writely felt unfulfilled. Something was missing – his dream of working for a blog like Write Good! Soon he stood before the great carved bronze doors of our corporate temple seeking a job interview with Write Good!: The Human Resources.

Intern carries senior vowel engineer from Write Good!: The Temple to Write Good!: The Starbucks.

Intern carries senior vowel engineer from Write Good!: The Temple to Write Good!: The Starbucks.

And just as quickly he was forcibly ejected onto the streets by a Write Good!: The Security escort. Without his limousine, Writely was forced to call his parents who, too poor to afford bus fare, met him on foot and walked him home.

The point? Write Good! doesn’t want shy, thoughtful yet industrious employees. We want you! And we’re hiring.

Write Good! guarantees a career path described by many as secure and stable and by others as indentured servitude. That’s probably a joke, but you’ll have to check with HR.

Senior vowel engineer enjoys stroll around Write Good!: The Campus before returning intern to charging station.

Senior vowel engineer enjoys stroll around Write Good!: The Campus before returning intern to charging station.

Who is our ideal applicant? Apparently, no one who responded to the University of Phoenix survey. If you’re looking to change careers, don’t look to Write Good! You scare us. But if you’re happy in your current “dream” job and have no interest in leaving, come talk to Write Good!

Yes, yes! We know this doesn’t make sense. HR has explained it over and over while Write Good! rolls its eyes, sighs deeply and continue texting. But in these economically unstable times imagine the satisfaction of working for a firm that only asks you to show up forever. That’s why we brag, “At Write Good! You’re Not Going Anywhere!”

Yes, yes! HR has talked to us about that, too.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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