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Posts Tagged ‘security’

Biting satire ’cause, you know, dogs bite!

Read it on our litter-mate blog, Sleeping between Giants: Life, if you could call it that, with a terrier.

Oh, and there’s more there, so spend the afternoon. We’ll cover for you.

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By Dave Jaffe

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA (WriteGood!TheNews wire service) — Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s first classified intelligence briefing has validated nearly every conspiracy theory ever, the candidate said today.

Speaking at a rally in North Carolina, Trump hinted that the briefing, traditionally given to presidential nominees, revealed shocking, long-held secrets, but he refused to discuss details.

“Obama? I thought he was born in another country,” said Trump. “Seems I was off by about 25,000 light years. Unbelievable!

“And crooked Hillary’s missing emails? I got news for you folks. There’s more hidden in Area 51 than alien corpses. Believe me!”

Claims of Area 51 ‘secrets’ were decried by Clinton supporter and Roswell Project director S’Rin “Larry” B’Tll. “Trump should just shut his big, fat primary reticulated ovipositor!”

Claims of Area 51 ‘secrets’ were decried by Clinton supporter and Roswell Project director S’Rin “Larry” B’Tll. “Trump should just shut his big, fat primary reticulated ovipositor!”

Among other top secrets the candidate mentioned:

• Putin from same alternative universe as bearded Spock
• No treasure map on back of U.S. Constitution
• Drones now building us
• The Mole People are benevolent, just worried
• Hydrox are Oreos
• Rosebud was the sled.

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will receive a similar briefing, although hers must be conducted at night, Trump learned.

“They know she’s a vampire. Totally undead. Totally!”

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Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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(WriteGoodNewsServices) Washington, DC, March 31 – Security remained tight at the opening of a two-day conference on nuclear proliferation, with international leaders anxious that Donald Trump might attend.

“He’s not going to be here, is he? ‘Cause girl! He cra-cra!” said South Korean President Park Geun-hye, through an interpreter.

Before deplaning, cautious nuclear summit attendee anxiously scans tarmac for signs of Trump

Before deplaning, cautious nuclear summit attendee anxiously scans tarmac for signs of Trump

While President Obama hopes the summit will refocus global attention on nuclear security, attendees candidly admitted that more important is to “not get into a whole thing with Trump.”

“Look, let’s just agree to stuff all the fissionable materials in a closet somewhere. Put a really good lock on the door and double the guard,” suggested Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, repeatedly glancing over his shoulder.

“So are we done here?”

Russia declined to attend the summit amid escalated tensions with the United States. But Kremlin insiders admit that Russian President Vladimir Putin simply wants to avoid hearing a wild rant from Trump about “why it’s good policy to sit on the floor banging atomic warheads with a mallet. Or something like that.”

While Trump seemed content not to attend today’s conference, he suggested during a Wisconsin campaign rally that nuclear missiles worldwide be immediately targeted at women’s reproductive organs.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) Washington, D.C. – Announcing that Ashton Carter will replace outgoing Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, President Barack Obama also praised other candidates who, although passed over, were “both qualified and scary.”

After extolling Carter for his 30-years federal service and in-depth understanding of the defense department’s inner workings, President Obama acknowledged the powerful skill sets offered by the other potential nominees.

“Some are despots, some are imaginary, at least one is Russian. But all are deeply loyal Americans. Well, not the Russian,” said the President, referring to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Candidates for top defense post thank President Obama, vow to band together as Legion of Secretaries of Defense of Doom

Candidates for top defense post thank President Obama, vow to band together as Legion of Secretaries of Defense of Doom

Capitol Hill insiders speculate that Putin was included only because of his strong, unapologetic military stance and that he eats babies.

Also considered for the top defense post:
• Mothra
• Mike Ditka
• Jimmy’s uncle’s pit bull mix
• Lex Luther
• Dalek Prime
• The Joker
• Dark Ghandi
• A really big bomb.

President Obama noted that Carter, a physicist-trained weapons expert and former No. 2 Pentagon official, is better equipped than any other candidate to face the nation’s dire global challenges despite his lack of even the most basic superhuman powers, except for an indestructible, fusion-driven titanium hand.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – New White House security measures that run the gamut for technologically sophisticated to magical have been implemented to safeguard President Barrack Obama from Halloween trick-or-treaters.

“While we aren’t anticipating trouble from the neighborhood kids this year, we are prepared to take lethal action. In fact, we look forward to it,” explained interim U.S. Secret Service Director Rocky “Ace” Butane.

Trick-or-treater and potential White House intruder Timmy Madison, 8 and an octopus, shown here moments before being wrestled to the ground and disarmed of his Hershey bar.

Trick-or-treater and potential White House intruder Timmy Madison, 8 and an octopus, shown here moments before being wrestled to the ground and disarmed of his Hershey bar.

The significant security upgrades come amid revelations that an armed intruder who jumped the White House fence and entered the Executive Mansion last month penetrated far deeper than first disclosed by the Secret Service. Agency officials claimed he had been subdued just inside the entrance.

However, during a contentious Capitol Hill hearing about the breach it was revealed that the intruder tried to enter the Green Room – a parlor often used for formal teas – then moved on to the White House kitchen, where he made himself a turkey sandwich with jack cheese, lettuce and light mayonnaise before walking the Obama family dog Bo who, apparently, isn’t worth shit.

Butane discounted allegations that the intruder also watched pro football in the East Room with several agents before being captured.

“That’s absurd! There was no game on that night,” said Butane.

That day of rancorous questioning on the Hill led to the resignation of Julia Pierson as head of the Secret Service. The new, more aggressive, if somewhat unorthodox, White House security measures, have been implemented by incoming Secret Service director Wile E. Coyote.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGoodwire) As Wall Street investors decry Apple Inc’s new high-end iPhone 5s and cheap, plastic piece-of-shit iPhone 5c, the next generation iPhone 6 promises to include more features than anyone could possibly want.

“So, it’s not enough that the iPhone can scan your fingerprints? Fine! The iPhone 6 will be able to change your fingerprints,” hinted a clearly vexed Corky Panderman, Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Hype. “And the camera can take pictures through six inches of lead.”

“Now get those frickin’ mikes outta my face!” he added to reporters gathered at the company’s Cupertino campus.

Apple poised to unveil the gimmick-laden iPhone 6c Swiss Army Cell and the high-end, provocative Anatomically Correct iPhone 6s.

Apple poised to unveil the gimmick-laden iPhone 6c Swiss Army Cell and the high-end, provocative Anatomically Correct iPhone 6s.

The tepid response to the new iPhone 5 models has revived fears that the company’s innovative days are over. Further fueling concerns are complaints from emerging Asian markets that the phones’ features aren’t despotic enough.

To correct that, the iPhone 6 promises to be both fun and oppressive, said Apple officials.

With the iPhone 5 models to go on sale Friday, Sept. 19, industry experts agree that it’s too early to criticize Apple for a misstep. Nearly 47 percent of early focus groups said the brightly colored 5c phone was “Ooooo, pretty! Shiny!” Another 22 percent giggled and clapped their hands; and 14 percent drew pictures of it that they posted on mom’s ‘fridge.

Mindful of the competitive pressures in the mobile phone marketplace, Apple will add a third model to the iPhone 6 generation. The iPhone 6d-minus will boast the 6c’s laughable overabundance of accessories and the 6s’s sexually gratifying design, but at one-third the cost.

However, it will not make calls.

The iPhone 6 models are scheduled for rollout next month to coincide with the rollout of the iPhone 7. And possibly the iPhone 8.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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More than half of employed Americans would change their jobs, according to a recent career survey. And with a nod to the National Security Agency, the survey reveals their names, where they live and whether they’re working for you.

The poll was conducted by the University of Phoenix, renowned for their vast experience in online education. (Recruitment tagline: “Why get dressed?”) The results reveal a host of data about job satisfaction that business owners might find troubling.

Of the 1,600 respondents, 55 percent are considering changing their careers; 24 percent are extremely interested in a change; 4 percent are “no shit, really, really, extremely interested!” and 1 percent have already skipped town after dumping Gatorade in the office network server.

Interestingly, only 14 percent of workers said they were in their “dream career”. And they responded in a really annoying, sing-songy, nasal voice, like “I’m in my dreeeeam job!” while eating a coworker’s yogurt stolen from the fridge.

Most dissatisfied with their career path are workers in their early- to mid-twenties, known in the workforce as “millennials” and by their supervisors as “Which one are you?” Companies should place a high priority on attracting and retaining these technically savvy, computer literate employees who often count among their skills how to clean Gatorade out of the office network server.

Perks of Write Good! employment: human-powered transportation.  Summer intern carries senior vowel engineer through Write Good Hall of Be Quiet.

Perks of Write Good! employment: human-powered transportation. Summer intern carries senior vowel engineer through Write Good Hall of Be Quiet.

Clearly, America’s work force is no longer satisfied pursuing a single career. Gone are the days when an employee worked tirelessly at the same firm for years, right up to the day the company’s president would announce, “He’s dead!”

Frankly, those days will be missed by Write Good!: The Multinational, and not just because of the endless stream of petrodollars streaming into our offshore accounts. Write Good’s nearly criminal success – well, in fact criminal – has been built on the loyalty and efforts of our dedicated employees. Let Write Good! tell you a little story about one of them. His name doesn’t really matter. We’ll just call him Writely Good – no exclamation mark.

Born of immigrant parents so poor they didn’t even know where they came from, Writely grew up during one of those “depressions” that economists don’t bother to capitalize. A shy, thoughtful yet industrious youth Writely excelled academically. His positive nature often drew the attention of the nuns; odd, since he was Jewish and didn’t attend a Catholic school. They’d just seem to spot him on the street and take him under their wing.

Writley’s parents, too poor to ask who were these people with wings, welcomed the nuns’ educational support. In just a few years Writley had attained all the intellect, culture and grooming needed to succeed in the business world. A few years later he reached puberty, then, still later, was old enough to seek employment. Tearfully, he kissed his parents goodbye, although they were too poor to walk him to the door, and set off to make his mark on the world.

His career rise was meteoric. Forbes listed him among its “Top 50 Shy, Thoughtful Yet Industrious Youths.” Yet Writely felt unfulfilled. Something was missing – his dream of working for a blog like Write Good! Soon he stood before the great carved bronze doors of our corporate temple seeking a job interview with Write Good!: The Human Resources.

Intern carries senior vowel engineer from Write Good!: The Temple to Write Good!: The Starbucks.

Intern carries senior vowel engineer from Write Good!: The Temple to Write Good!: The Starbucks.

And just as quickly he was forcibly ejected onto the streets by a Write Good!: The Security escort. Without his limousine, Writely was forced to call his parents who, too poor to afford bus fare, met him on foot and walked him home.

The point? Write Good! doesn’t want shy, thoughtful yet industrious employees. We want you! And we’re hiring.

Write Good! guarantees a career path described by many as secure and stable and by others as indentured servitude. That’s probably a joke, but you’ll have to check with HR.

Senior vowel engineer enjoys stroll around Write Good!: The Campus before returning intern to charging station.

Senior vowel engineer enjoys stroll around Write Good!: The Campus before returning intern to charging station.

Who is our ideal applicant? Apparently, no one who responded to the University of Phoenix survey. If you’re looking to change careers, don’t look to Write Good! You scare us. But if you’re happy in your current “dream” job and have no interest in leaving, come talk to Write Good!

Yes, yes! We know this doesn’t make sense. HR has explained it over and over while Write Good! rolls its eyes, sighs deeply and continue texting. But in these economically unstable times imagine the satisfaction of working for a firm that only asks you to show up forever. That’s why we brag, “At Write Good! You’re Not Going Anywhere!”

Yes, yes! HR has talked to us about that, too.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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