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Write Good!: The News — “All the story, plus lies!”

A San Diego County Superior Court has rejected a claim that teaching yoga in schools is an effort to promote Eastern religion. However, the court also noted that Christianity, Judaism and other faiths are not necessarily part of a heart-healthy fitness program.

The court ruled that the yoga instruction in the Encinitas Union School District does not violate the First Amendment’s separation of church and state. Equally important, however, is that few of the world’s principal religions guarantee a firmer butt or the reduction of unwanted belly fat, with the exception of Orthodox P90Xtheism.

“Take Judaism, for example,” wrote the court. “Have you any idea what’s in a good noodle kugel? Butter, sour cream, eggs, cream cheese – That’ll get you an expedited judgment from the Almighty!”

Biblical figure instructs yoga students in advanced pose “bending crane parts Red Sea.” Original image courtesy White River Yoga.

According to the ruling, the district took several steps to distance its program from the Hindu religion on which yoga is based, stripped classes of all cultural references and even renaming iconic poses like the “lotus position” as the more neutral “water board brain cleansing indoctrination”.

But Vance Hegworth, attorney for the disgruntled – possibly overweight – parents who brought the suit, called the verdict “a tragic defeat for the Constitution, religious freedom and pilates!”

Spokespersons for the school district refused to comment, but in a prepared statement their dark master, Lord Zumba said, “This is a victory not just for the First Amendment, but for the children. Yeesssss, the children. The young, impressionable, easily-manipulated children. Yeessssssss…..!”

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