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With Birth of Royal, Thrilled Americans Ask, “So Is She, Like, Queen, or What?”

Posted in Humor, lifestyle, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2015| Leave a Comment »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices International) The happy news that Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a daughter – fourth in line for the throne – has Americans excitedly asking, “What’s a monarchy, again?”

“I watch Game of Thrones a lot. Is it like that?” asked Vivian Brunswick of DeKalb, Illinois, during the sparsely attended Royal Birth Celebration and Potluck at her church.

Lack of clarity over the makeup of the Royal Family, the purpose of the British monarchy, and the historical depth of the empire could be seen in the festive gathering. While some celebrants came costumed in crowns, scepters and royal vestments, many were dressed as Dr. Who or as members of The Beatles, a popular British singing group from the 1960s.

Americans have long remained Great Britain’s staunchest allies despite their feeling that the interactions of the Royal Family are intentionally confusing.

Outside St. Mary’s Hospital word of the royal birth delights Londoners as well as a confused American cheering on the Chicago Blackhawks.

Outside St. Mary’s Hospital word of the royal birth delights Londoners as well as a confused American cheering on the Chicago Blackhawks.

“I’ve watched every season of Downton Abbey. Yet the processes of a constitutional monarchy elude me,” said Jeffrey Starlin, a roofer from Cleveland, Ohio.

“So, Kate Middleton is married to Prince William. But she’s not a princess? That doesn’t seem fair,” said Starlin. “And why is she the Duchess of Cambridge? Does she run the whole school or just some departments?”

“I’m happy for them, of course. But it feels like they’re pranking us,” admitted Sarah Daston of Seattle, Washington. “That’s why I would never buy British products, if they made any.”

Meanwhile, as Great Britain eagerly awaited announcement of the newborn princess’ name, many Americans wonder what the Hell kind of parents don’t immediately name their child?

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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Tearful Indiana Tells Dr. Phil ‘I was Bullied into Enacting Religious Freedom Bill’

Posted in Humor, lifestyle, politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2015| 4 Comments »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) In an appearance on Dr. Phil, a frightened, sobbing State of Indiana claimed it was pressured by bigger, older states into signing a controversial “religious freedom” bill.

“They…they said that all the cool states were enacting it,” Indiana told the Dr. Phil Show audience. “They said it would be easy. That it was no big deal and it wasn’t really hurting anybody. Well, maybe gays and stuff.”

“And was it ‘no big deal?’”, Dr. Phil pressed.

Indiana tells Dr. Phil religious freedom bill was misguided attempt to fit in with popular states, like Oregon, Maryland, and ‘that one that’s shaped like Zac Efron. God, he’s so cute!’

Indiana tells Dr. Phil religious freedom bill was misguided attempt to fit in with popular states, like Oregon, Maryland, and ‘that one that’s shaped like Zac Efron. God, he’s so cute!’

“No, the opposite! Everybody’s mad at me. Multinational Corporations are all, ‘Oooo, you suck!’ And people are getting all boycott-y. It’s not my fault. Don’t judge me!”

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, who held the state’s trembling hand throughout the interview, cautioned against judging the bill as discriminatory against gays and lesbians until after he rules out a 2016 presidential run.

“And you know the N.C.A.A.?” sniffed Indiana, “We were going together to the Final Four in Indianapolis next week. Now he might cancel. And I really, really liked him.

“Stupid, stupid potentially discriminatory, socially conservative, Republican-led legislative measure!”

Coming up on The Dr. Phil Show: “I’m Carrying Arizona’s Baby!”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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Shark Challenges Nyad Record: Vows to Cross US, Eat Her

Posted in Humor, lifestyle, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 7, 2013| 7 Comments »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(PORTLAND, OREGON) Stung by the success of endurance swimmer Diana Nyad’s arduous passage from Cuba to Florida, a shark is attempting an overland cross-country marathon aided only by a Vespa scooter.

The great white shark, unnamed because it’s a shark, left the Columbia River near Astoria, Oregon on Thursday and has been traveling rural roads en route to Interstate 5 through Portland, then will head east for 3,107 miles.

If all goes as planned, the fish will return to the Atlantic Ocean off Rockland, Maine after devouring the townspeople.

Shark’s cross-country marathon requires plenty of hydrating fluids, sun screen and an occasional human leg (<em>not shown here</em>.)

Shark’s cross-country marathon requires plenty of hydrating fluids, sun screen and an occasional human leg (not shown here.)

This is the shark’s fourth attempt at conquering the grueling continental crossing. The first two failed because of unanticipated highway tolls. On its third try the plucky great white made it as far as Davenport, Iowa but was forced to turn back after slaughtering an orphanage full of children.

“It’s the quitting that hurts,” said friend and trainer Angus Ferguson. “Well, that and the harpoons.”

While Nyad had to contend with the danger of treacherous currents, unpredictable squalls and stinging jellyfish, the shark’s primary concern is lack of water, now that Roy Scheider is dead.

“Dehydration is expected. The shark replenishes from a sports bottle I carry. Mostly Gatorade, electrolytes, some krill,” Ferguson explained.

“And, of course, the big fish must be submerged in a water-filled trailer every 15 minutes for two-to-three hours. That’s going to affect our time, but you make trade-offs.”

Besting Nyad and, with any luck, finding and eating her is no doubt foremost in this determined predator’s mind – or rather the sensory processing hindbrain that serves as its mind. But more important is the courageous shark’s inspiring message of perseverance and personal sacrifice – a valuable sports lesson in the wake of the doping scandal that cost so many Chilean sea bass Olympic gold in Beijing.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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Court Rules Public School Yoga Not a Religion, But Catholicism, Judaism Not Really Exercise

Posted in Courts, Humor, lifestyle, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2013| 3 Comments »

A Write Good!: The News report
Write Good!: The News — “All the story, plus lies!”

A San Diego County Superior Court has rejected a claim that teaching yoga in schools is an effort to promote Eastern religion. However, the court also noted that Christianity, Judaism and other faiths are not necessarily part of a heart-healthy fitness program.

The court ruled that the yoga instruction in the Encinitas Union School District does not violate the First Amendment’s separation of church and state. Equally important, however, is that few of the world’s principal religions guarantee a firmer butt or the reduction of unwanted belly fat, with the exception of Orthodox P90Xtheism.

“Take Judaism, for example,” wrote the court. “Have you any idea what’s in a good noodle kugel? Butter, sour cream, eggs, cream cheese – That’ll get you an expedited judgment from the Almighty!”

Biblical figure instructs yoga students in advanced pose “bending crane parts Red Sea.” Original image courtesy White River Yoga.

Biblical figure instructs yoga students in advanced pose “bending crane parts Red Sea.” Original image courtesy White River Yoga.

According to the ruling, the district took several steps to distance its program from the Hindu religion on which yoga is based, stripped classes of all cultural references and even renaming iconic poses like the “lotus position” as the more neutral “water board brain cleansing indoctrination”.

But Vance Hegworth, attorney for the disgruntled – possibly overweight – parents who brought the suit, called the verdict “a tragic defeat for the Constitution, religious freedom and pilates!”

Spokespersons for the school district refused to comment, but in a prepared statement their dark master, Lord Zumba said, “This is a victory not just for the First Amendment, but for the children. Yeesssss, the children. The young, impressionable, easily-manipulated children. Yeessssssss…..!”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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Study: Lego Faces Getting Angrier, More Abusive, Drinking Heavily

Posted in Humor, lifestyle, opinion, writing tips, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on June 18, 2013| Leave a Comment »

A Write Good!: The News report
Write Good!: The News — “All the story, plus lies!”

(Christchurch, New Zealand) Researchers in New Zealand have found that Lego faces have grown angrier since the 1990s and that the popular toys may pose a risk to themselves and their loved ones.

“All the warning signs have been there. I mean, just look at the pirates – their pain, their despondency. It’s etched into their faces,” said facial recognition expert Enid Thimmel. “Well, not etched. I think they use decals. Or stencils. It’s not paint, is it?

“Regardless, you store these toys near the liquor cabinet, you’re just asking for trouble.”

Famously recognized for their iconic smiley features, by the mid-90s only about 80 percent of the Lego figurines wore happy faces. By 2010 that proportion had dropped to 50 percent, according to the team of academics from the University of Canterbury who arrived at their conclusion through scientific analysis of figurines facial expressions – an exhaustive process that involved months of playing with the toys, then goofing around with video games, ordering pizza, and marathon viewings of The Matrix movies followed by a lot of prank calls.

New Zealand study reveals subtle changes in facial expressions of Lego figures over three decades.

New Zealand study reveals subtle changes in facial expressions of Lego figures over three decades.


Parents groups have been quick to voice their concerns.

“We’ve long been aware of a sense of unrest among the Lego toys, especially the Star Wars Death Star action figures,” said Hillary Castern, president of Parents Without Pit Bulls.

“For instance, Janet Kilber’s mother said that my Carolyn smacked Janet – her very best friend – with a strut from a Corporate Alliance Tank Droid. Clearly, that was provoked by Boba Fett, possibly even Princess Leia.

“Janet’s mother’s a bitch,” she noted.

Child psychologists and industry experts are conflicted over how best to address the Lego figurines deep emotional distress. The toys are not responsible for what is a potentially treatable mental illness. On the other hand, they’re so easy to melt on a hot skillet.

In the swirl of controversy, the Denmark-based Lego Group has already canceled plans for its 2014 rollout of mini figures based on Russell Crowe.

Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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Monopoly Guy Sues Hasbro: “Cat Just Crapped in Old Shoe!”

Posted in Humor, lifestyle, opinion, politics, pr, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2013| 5 Comments »

A Write Good!: The News report

(MONOPOLY) In a blistering denunciation of the new cat token recently added to the popular board game that bears his name, The Monopoly Guy has filed a multi-million dollar criminal negligence lawsuit against toymaker Hasbro that could have a devastating effect on the real estate, railroad, water and energy markets, and also a couple of the other game pieces.

The lawsuit stems from an online contest in which Monopoly fans voted to replace the least popular token with a more “relevant” one, Hasbro explained of a game that still features a wheelbarrow as a popular mode of transportation.

The cat received 31 percent of votes, edging out competing tokens that included newcomers guitar, helicopter, another cat – only a different cat, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and a veal chop.

“This is nothing less than socialism taken to its nightmarish extreme!” the iconic tuxedo clad, top hat sporting The Monopoly Guy decried during an impromptu news conference on the steps of the city’s courthouse and corrections facility that he insisted he was “just visiting.”

Enigmatic The Monopoly Guy shown here on highly controversial, short-lived Community Chest card.

Enigmatic The Monopoly Guy shown here on highly controversial, short-lived Community Chest card.

“That cat is more than a nuisance: it’s a damn menace!” said The Monopoly Guy. “I’ve spoken to several other tokens – you know, the ones with lips – they’re living in abject terror, afraid to venture into some neighborhoods. Well, Baltic Avenue, of course, but now they won’t even go near those yellow and green properties. Some tokens are refusing to leave the lavish hotels I own, even to sponge off the Obama-funded Community Chest in order to pay my extremely affordable rents.

“It’s like I’m being robbed,” The Monopoly Guy added while turning out his empty pockets and dramatically shrugging his shoulders.

Wealthy, flamboyant, yet enigmatic, The Monopoly Guy has long been the game’s nameless persona, although throughout the years he’s been dubbed Rich “Uncle” Pennybags, Mr. Monoply and Mitt Romney.

Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.
This story is courtesy of Write Good!: The News – “All the story, plus lies!”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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Ancient Mayan Gods Arrested, Charged in Armageddon Calendar Prank

Posted in Humor, lifestyle, opinion, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2012| Leave a Comment »

A Write Good!: The News report

(Merida, Mexico) What began as a prank 5,125 years ago has landed four ancient Mayan gods in a Yucatan court facing misdemeanor charges of terrorizing the Earth’s population and several parking violations.

The four gods, Itzamna, Cinteotl, and two unnamed minors, admitted concocting a Mayan calendar that “predicted” Dec. 21, 2012 as the end of the world in a fiery apocalypse that would reduce a fearful, screaming humankind to charred ashes spinning endlessly through the black void of the celestial firmament.

“We were just trying to lighten the mood,” Itzamna admitted to an arraignment judge before a packed courtroom. “Everybody’s always acting so…you know, serious. It was just a joke. We honestly didn’t mean to fool, like, every living person on the entire planet.

“That was wrong.”

“My clients are quite red-faced,” said their attorney Mark T’xtal. “Of course, several of them are, in fact, red. Also blue, grey-green. One of them’s violet. Most are feathered. Colorful? Yes, but also very, very apologetic.”

Mayan god and alleged doomsday prankster shown here with…weird shit.

Mayan god and alleged doomsday prankster shown here with…weird shit.

Although no one was harmed by the prank calendar and bogus prediction of doom, prosecutors intend to take a hard line with the perpetrators, despite their youth.

“If they’re ‘ancient’ gods they’re expected to make mature choices,” declared Asst. State’s Attorney Patrick Mc’Quetzal for the First District of Chichen Itza. “What if this had been the real end of the world? Someone could have gotten hurt.”

Misdemeanor charges usually result in an extended period of supervision. In cases involving gods, that could run into the millions of years, plus a fine for the parking violations.

Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.
This story is courtesy of Write Good!: The News – “All the story, plus lies!”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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