A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”
(WriteGoodWire Services) Airplane passengers might soon win the right to make in-flight calls provided that airlines are permitted to eliminate “frills” such as oxygen masks, lighting and, in certain cases, wings, according to a deal hammered out by the Department of Transportation.
The compromise comes on the heels of a Federal Communication Commission vote to consider ending a ban on in-flight phone calls. Under current restrictions, flyers are forbidden from making calls between takeoff and landing unless they are A-List celebrities.
“New technologies have dramatically reduced the threat that cell phones pose to commercial airliners,” explained Capt. Rocky “Ace” Butane, DOT chairman. “Used to be that a phone’s autocorrect feature would cause landing gear bolts to unscrew. However, today’s sophisticated mobile devices can do little more than open micro fractures along the fuselage.
“Slap on a fresh coat of paint and you’re good to go!”
Replacing oxygen masks with phones a win-win for the airlines industry, except in an emergency.
Although on-flight phone usage has been an option much sought by flyers, consumer groups offered mixed reactions to the announcement.
“As a loud, obnoxious Oklahoman who chews with his mouth open and calls women ‘girlie’, I welcome the opportunity to disturb a wider range of complete strangers,” said Leo Pinterest, chairman of Annoying Pricks United.
“Bwah-HAH! Hyuk! HYUK! Am I right or am I right, girlie? (Buuurp!)” he added.
But it’s the reshuffling of safety priorities rather than gossipy passengers that concerns one frequent flyer who asked to be identified only by her ringtone, Beyonce’s Love on Top.
“Aren’t crying babies really distracting and dangerous? So, can’t they go in the overhead compartment until they calm down?” said Love on Top. “My mom used to do that to me. Only it was the vegetable bin in the refrigerator. And I wasn’t even crying. Not at first.”
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…”who asked to be identified only by her ringtone…” Brilliant.
Thanks, Anonymous. Hey, I knew an Anonymous once. Well, I guess I didn’t. dj
Best line…phone’s autocorrect feature would cause landing gear bolts to unscrew. Commercial flying has become a nightmare so the only thing left to do is laugh. Great humor. Thanks.
your are really dialed in!!!!!
All those people who are addicted to their cell phones will thank you for encouraging their addiction even at the risk of the lives of their fellow passengers. After all, which is more important?
All this talk about cell phones on airplanes makes me yearn for the days of the screaming infant.
Thanks, myoddsock, but you’d be surprised how many infants nowadays have their own cell phones, despite warnings about texting while drooling.