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Archive for the ‘technology’ Category

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGoodWire Services) Airplane passengers might soon win the right to make in-flight calls provided that airlines are permitted to eliminate “frills” such as oxygen masks, lighting and, in certain cases, wings, according to a deal hammered out by the Department of Transportation.

The compromise comes on the heels of a Federal Communication Commission vote to consider ending a ban on in-flight phone calls. Under current restrictions, flyers are forbidden from making calls between takeoff and landing unless they are A-List celebrities.

“New technologies have dramatically reduced the threat that cell phones pose to commercial airliners,” explained Capt. Rocky “Ace” Butane, DOT chairman. “Used to be that a phone’s autocorrect feature would cause landing gear bolts to unscrew. However, today’s sophisticated mobile devices can do little more than open micro fractures along the fuselage.

“Slap on a fresh coat of paint and you’re good to go!”

Replacing oxygen masks with phones a win-win for the airlines industry, except in an emergency.

Replacing oxygen masks with phones a win-win for the airlines industry, except in an emergency.


Although on-flight phone usage has been an option much sought by flyers, consumer groups offered mixed reactions to the announcement.

“As a loud, obnoxious Oklahoman who chews with his mouth open and calls women ‘girlie’, I welcome the opportunity to disturb a wider range of complete strangers,” said Leo Pinterest, chairman of Annoying Pricks United.

“Bwah-HAH! Hyuk! HYUK! Am I right or am I right, girlie? (Buuurp!)” he added.

But it’s the reshuffling of safety priorities rather than gossipy passengers that concerns one frequent flyer who asked to be identified only by her ringtone, Beyonce’s Love on Top.

“Aren’t crying babies really distracting and dangerous? So, can’t they go in the overhead compartment until they calm down?” said Love on Top. “My mom used to do that to me. Only it was the vegetable bin in the refrigerator. And I wasn’t even crying. Not at first.”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGoodWire Services) – Responding to revelations that the National Security Agency secretly monitored the phones of millions of foreign citizens, the agency hopes to make amends by offering a free Domino’s pizza or stuffed cheesy bread to everyone affected.

In a contrite news release, the NSA said “We truly regret disappointing our customers, especially since no one knows that they’re our customers.”

Files leaked by Edward Snowden suggest that the agency tracked the mobile phones of 60 million Spanish and 70 million French citizens in a single month, including the cell phones of the leaders of allied countries.

Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany displays her free pizza – an apology from NSA for monitoring her cell phone.  The NSA also offered to kill one person for her.

Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany displays her free pizza – an apology from NSA for monitoring her cell phone. The NSA also offered to kill one person for her.

Analysis of NSA surveillance operations worldwide revealed that 438-million calls were to order pizza for delivery. Another 86-million requested pizza for pickup, 327,000 added a side salad, and only two calls discussed plutonium.

In the hope of quelling protests by citizens overseas, the agency is promising a free medium thin-crust pizza – one topping only – to every person whose name appeared in NSA files. Trained field agents will deliver the pizzas personally, although for security reasons will leave them in train depot storage lockers, beneath drain pipes, or in the dark corners of abandoned factories.

“But within 30 minutes,” said the release.

“The NSA is deeply sorry for any inconvenience you might have experienced in our efforts to defeat terrorists and their organizations at home and abroad,” the release stated. “Customer satisfaction is our number one goal, although we cannot divulge to customers what we do, where we do it or who is harmed in the process.

“If you have questions or would like further details, expect our call as we know how to reach you.”

Asked about the program, a spokesman for Domino’s Pizza responded, “They’re doing what? When?”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGoodwire) As Wall Street investors decry Apple Inc’s new high-end iPhone 5s and cheap, plastic piece-of-shit iPhone 5c, the next generation iPhone 6 promises to include more features than anyone could possibly want.

“So, it’s not enough that the iPhone can scan your fingerprints? Fine! The iPhone 6 will be able to change your fingerprints,” hinted a clearly vexed Corky Panderman, Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Hype. “And the camera can take pictures through six inches of lead.”

“Now get those frickin’ mikes outta my face!” he added to reporters gathered at the company’s Cupertino campus.

Apple poised to unveil the gimmick-laden iPhone 6c Swiss Army Cell and the high-end, provocative Anatomically Correct iPhone 6s.

Apple poised to unveil the gimmick-laden iPhone 6c Swiss Army Cell and the high-end, provocative Anatomically Correct iPhone 6s.

The tepid response to the new iPhone 5 models has revived fears that the company’s innovative days are over. Further fueling concerns are complaints from emerging Asian markets that the phones’ features aren’t despotic enough.

To correct that, the iPhone 6 promises to be both fun and oppressive, said Apple officials.

With the iPhone 5 models to go on sale Friday, Sept. 19, industry experts agree that it’s too early to criticize Apple for a misstep. Nearly 47 percent of early focus groups said the brightly colored 5c phone was “Ooooo, pretty! Shiny!” Another 22 percent giggled and clapped their hands; and 14 percent drew pictures of it that they posted on mom’s ‘fridge.

Mindful of the competitive pressures in the mobile phone marketplace, Apple will add a third model to the iPhone 6 generation. The iPhone 6d-minus will boast the 6c’s laughable overabundance of accessories and the 6s’s sexually gratifying design, but at one-third the cost.

However, it will not make calls.

The iPhone 6 models are scheduled for rollout next month to coincide with the rollout of the iPhone 7. And possibly the iPhone 8.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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