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Posts Tagged ‘internet’

No writing format is more effective in attracting social media attention than a list of valuable, illustrative, clearly delineated points, provided that at least one of them is a secret weight loss tip to lose belly fat.

Historically, “lists” have served as efficient marketing tools since long before the advent of the Internet – a time when pencils and paper still strode the Earth like giants. There even exists archaeological evidence that prehistoric man made lists, though usually with just one item due to the lack of stuff.

The Origin of a List, featuring cognitive detours.

The Origin of a List, featuring cognitive detours.

Advertising professionals know that information disseminated in the form of a list has a powerful effect on people, especially those who are left-brained, or “analytical”, as compared to those who are right-brained, or “egg-laying.” In the realm of social media, the “list” has become so important that it gets its own quotation marks and is often photographed surrounded by a security detail when out clubbing.

Unfortunately, because of the prevalence of so many lists on so many blogs even the Internet has begun rolling its eyes and making snide comments that it thinks we don’t hear. Well, Write Good hears, Internet, and maybe you and Mr. Google and Ms. Yahoo would like to share with the entire class what’s sooooo funny!

No? Write Good didn’t think so.

Listed below we’ve listed a list of tips on creating a list. Wow! That sentence nearly broke Write Good’s brain!

1. I’ve read that lists enhance your blog’s SEO. What does that mean and why do I feel threatened?
There’s no reason to feel threatened, as near as we can tell at this time and under the current administration, for the next 10 to 14 weeks. SEO – an acronym for Centers for Disease Control – is the process by which your web content is made highly visible to search engines – huge, steam-powered machines, invented in 1785 by Ely “Googly” Google, that once crisscrossed the nation and made cotton king.

2. I’ve heard that list blogs only appeal to the short-attention-span readers of the Internet. What was I saying?
Not true! Lists also interest the lazy. Well, not so much “interest” them as interfere with their porn.

3. Should I number my list items or set them off with those sideways things from math class?
As a rule, numbers are indicative of facts while “carets”, as they’re known, improve your eyesight.

4. What if my list repeats itself or, to put it another way, is repetitive saying the same thing over and over again? And again.
That’s a very good question deserving a—

Internet! Google! I heard that! I’ve had it with you two! Get your books and go straight to Principal Harrington’s office. No! No back talk. March! And you’re next, Ms. Yahoo. Spit out that gum right now, missy!

5. I don’t know 10 things about anything. Can I just use three?
Well…then it’s not really much of a list, is it?

6. Can be.
Have you ever read a blog? How did you even get here?

7. I was scrolling on HornyFormerSovietChicks.com and this thing popped up next to an ad about how to lose belly fat.
Thanks for reading this “thing.”

8. How long should my list be?
No longer than this.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Communications Alert –or Communiclert – from Write Good! The Blog

Because of the vast amount of extraordinarily sensitive data that flows through Write Good!: The Blog Central Command, security is our watchword. Sadly, “security” is also our password, which is why our servers are hacked almost hourly.

With a tip of our hat to corporate negligence, we felt it urgent to alert our readers to the recently released annual list of the 25 Worst Passwords of the Year published by the Internet security firm SplashData. How refreshing to be reassured that average citizens can be every bit as knuckle-draggingly stupid as the top minds at Write Good!

According to the survey, the three worst password choices remain unchanged from 2011, the most popular password being…heh…“password”, followed by…heh, he-heh!…“123456”, and then by…hee-hee, heh-heh…Sorry…then by…by…HA! Hahahahahaha…by “12345678”. Hahahahaha! Oh, my dear God! Hahaha hehehehe, heh-heh (sniff).

But dropping from seventh place to thirteenth this year is the password “1234567”.

BWAH-HAHAhahahahaha…Oh, that made the milk come out of Write Good!’s nose!

Humorous though it may be to think about the easy access hackers have to our military’s nuclear arsenal, there is a serious side to password protection. Shocking security breaches were revealed this year against such high profile companies as Yahoo, LinkedIn, and music website Last.fm.
Even at eHarmony scores of passwords were compromised, leading to confusing matchups between single, professional men, 25- to 35-years old, and retired pieces of surplus mining equipment—relationships, sadly, that didn’t last beyond three dates.

Note how the pictures go with the words. Wow, that Internet!

Bewildering speed dating mixer between single men and used excavating equipment. Injuries were reported.

While no password is completely secure, steps can be taken to create one that is nearly as impenetrable as a conventional shower curtain. Given enough time and resources a committed hacker can crack any password. Thus, your strategy is to confound and discourage him with a password so unique that even you can’t remember it.

While there is no perfect password, the closest is AjE2#&bE-)9KEpRll# created and used successfully for years by Abigail Sherhonner, a human resources coordinator with Palmanteri Trucking Services Corporation in Belleville, Illinois, where she has lived for more than 20 years with husband, Ralph, at 2234 W. Willowdale Rd.

Phone number 815-404-2580.

Now that Write Good! thinks about it, perhaps releasing personal information about Abigail was a tad hasty, security-wise. Thus, it is our fervent hope that she gets word of this and changes her password. Soon!

A variety of strategies can be found for creating a “robust” password – that is, a password that doesn’t wheeze or hunch but jogs every morning and benches 220. Weak passwords are easily predictable – short phrases, names of pets, letters only – while strong passwords are characterized by their willingness to lead the U.S into an escalated ground war in Afghanistan.

Generally speaking, the name of your pet makes an insecure password as so many pets, once captured by the enemy, spill all your secrets. Especially cats. Instead, employ terms or phrases that are completely random.

Yes, this photo makes sense if you read the blog. Otherwise, sorry.

Early model of a random password generator that, unfortunately, also flings feces.

The difficulty in creating a random phrase is that you have to think up one, and once you start thinking about it, it never feels random enough. The trick to generating a random term is to sneak up on it – sort of catch it out of the corner of your eye. Beer helps.

SINGLE MAN: (in a bar on a date) “It’s such a pleasure to finally meet you!”
SINGLE WOMAN: (or possibly a piece of surplus mining equipment) “Same here! So many single guys I meet are just sort of, I don’t know, odd.”
SINGLE MAN: “Really? Odd in what way?”
SINGLE WOMAN: “Oh, they just seem to have a randomness to their—”
SINGLE MAN: “GRBzzzAtk!”
SINGLE WOMAN: (nervous pause) “Um…are you…ok?”
SINGLE MAN: “Absolutely! I was just thinking about something else. Please, go on.”
SINGLE WOMAN: “Oh! All right. I was just saying that some men I’ve met generate a certain random—“
SINGLE MAN: “AtCFF%&KLHeP!!”
SINGLE WOMAN: “Check, please!”

Prepared now with security that will subjugate even the most pernicious of identity thieves, you must face a far more daunting challenge – how the Hell to remember your passwords.

The traditional method is to stick Post-it notes all over your computer – an acceptable security measure if you live alone in a hardened missile silo 200 feet beneath the Bonneville Salt Flats. A more sophisticated solution is to employ password management software that keeps track of passwords right on your computer. Still, can you really trust a computer with passwords? Wasn’t it computers that welcomed in Yahoo’s hackers like a high school sophomore whose parents are out of town?

No, Write Good! is confident of only one method for safely securing your passwords, and it is a strategy as cunning as it is infallible. First, focus your thinking on this one thing: true security requires—

KLRep2@8*zzePle!!

Sorry. Write Good! was thinking about something else.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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The Internet 101…….011010110010, Part II

“What is HTML?” This is a question that has confounded Web content creators dating back to the Roman Empire, although in those days HTML was spelled XIIVLDMXVV.

In simple terms – and I always chuckle when programmers begin that way – HTML is a set of elements that are used to define the structure and content of a Web page.

Confused? Good. That’s exactly what those scrawny, stooped little Web programmers want as they sneer at us from behind their thick, taped glasses. “Tell him…tell him it’s a set of elements,” they chortle to one another in their wheezy, high-pitched voices. “Yeah, and…and tell him there’s lots of math and if he wants it done in time for his meeting we’ll need more pizza!”

Here are the basics: HTML – which is pronounced by making the same sound you would when trying to cough up a feather – is an acronym for Hypertext Markup Language or, as it is more commonly known, Weapons of Mass Destruction (see previous blog.) HTML is a set of instructions used to build a Web page that dictate how your text looks, what colors appear, where pictures go, if there’s enough closet space, how are the schools, and whether you’re within walking distance to public transportation.

To understand how a Web page gets to your computer, you need to know that HTML, your Web browser and the Internet share an important relationship that is complex, dependent and, at times, inappropriate. The Web browser visits the Internet where it “asks” to see a Web page, or more specifically the page’s HTML. The Web browser “asks” very politely, if somewhat nervously, using language called http, an acronym for Hypertext Transfer Protocols, which is just a fancy way of saying Weapons of Mass Destruction. The Internet, however, demands that the request follows specific rules or it’s Good Night, Irene!

Perhaps an analogy will make things less clear. Think of HTML as a teenage daughter, the Web browser as her prom date, and the Internet as her dad, who is in foul mood and drinking heavily having been fired today for losing the Kretchmeyer account:

HTML: “Daddy, that’s Browser at the door. Will you let him in and I’ll be right down?”

DAD: “Yeah, yeah! Sure, honey. (Muttering)…’the Hell kinda name is ‘Browser’? (Throws open door) What’daya want?”

BROWSER: “H..hello, Mr. Net. I’m here to..to pick up your daughter?”

DAD: “Oh really? Just like that? No polite banter? No ‘How do you do, Mr. Net? Lovely night out, Mr. Net. Are you a sports fan, Mr. Net?’”

BROWSER: “I…I’m sorry. Um, lovely night, Mr. Net. Are..you a—”

DAD: “URL! Call me URL, not ‘Mr. Net.’”

BROWSER: “Uh…are you a sports fan, Earl?”

DAD: “It’s URL, you little shit!”

HTML: “Hi Browser! Daddy, what’s all the shouting…Oh, my God! Are you drinking again? You’re humiliating yourself in front of Browser!”

DAD: “I think you’d better leave, Brows. Right now!”

HTML: “Daddy, no! It’s my prom!”

DAD: “That boy’s not to be trusted, honey! You’re my precious, little file and he just wants to corrupt you.”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, http://www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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To appreciate the incomparable communications value of the Internet (or “internet” as it’s known to its close friends) we must be familiar with the significance of Web content, which serve as the building blocks of the Web in much the way building blocks serve as the building blocks of building.

Those who understand nothing often mistakenly use the Web as a synonym (I’ll explain those little grammar buggers in a later blog) for the Internet. In fact, the Web is a subset of the Internet. (I won’t explain “subset”. That’s too close to math.) Think of the relationship as one of those annoying SAT analogies that kept you out of an Ivy League school: “Web” is to “Internet” as “Something Small” is to “Something Bigger that has a Gun.”

The term “Internet” is an abbreviation for “international network of computers,” while the Web is often referred to by its anagram, “WWW” which, as the letters imply, stands for Weapons of Mass Destruction.

The development of the Internet is a fascinating, yet historically recent story much appreciated by students because they have fewer dates to learn. It is a chronicle wrapped in scientific achievement, political intrigue and apocryphal tales. One such is that former Vice President Al Gore claimed to have invented the Internet. In fact, that reference which Gore made during his presidential campaign in an interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer was taken out of context and misconstrued for political gain. Yes, Gore took some credit, but what he claimed, in fact, was not that he invented the Internet, but had stolen the technology from alien space pirates during a rescue mission he lead to save a group of abducted orphans and their puppies.

The idea of a global information and communications system is hardly new. It was first introduced by two of the Founding Fathers, Benjamin Franklin and Monroe Doctrine, because one was deaf and the other spoke in such a soft voice. However, the technology did not exist to pursue development, so the notion was sent to a Senate subcommittee to be explored for more than 200 years.

The Internet as we now understand it (and we don’t) gained its biggest boost throughout the 1980s thanks to the efforts of physicist Tim Berners-Lee, a contractor with the European organization of nuclear research CERN, an anagram for Weapons of Mass Destruction. Berners-Lee later explained in a message posted to a forerunner of the Web, “The WWW project was started to allow high energy physicists to share data, news, and documentation.”

While “porn” was not cited, it was probably implied. They don’t get out much at CERN.

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Next: What is HTML and why is he saying those terrible things about me?

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, http://www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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