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A Write Good!: The News report
Write Good!: The News — “All the story, plus lies!

(CHICAGO) In the wake of the Chicago Sun-Times lay off of its entire photography staff as it seeks to reach a more “digitally savvy” audience, the newspaper continued that bold campaign Monday by sacking all of its reporters and eliminating the use of vowels in news stories.

“Just as photography has given way to video content in meeting the demands of our digitally savvy audiences, the rapid pace of news has outstripped the Sun-Times’ need for slow-moving reporters, with all their phone calls and ‘reliable sources’ and fact checking,” according to a statement from the newspaper.

“Plus all their loud typing and the coffee stains everywhere – it drives us crazy!”

To combine news gathering efficiency with enhanced multimedia content, reporters will be replaced with the Sun-Times newspaper delivery staff equipped with iPhones.

“Those kids on their bikes go everywhere. They probably see lots of news. Real stuff, too. Not just politics and all that overseas crap,” said Dolph Flagin, former assistant delivery dispatcher and now Sun-Times managing editor. “They can cover a story, write it, make a video, then fling it at your door all at the same time. They’ll even write those editorials, I’ll bet. They’re always giving me their opinions.

“Bunch’a loudmouths,” Flagin added.

New Sun-Times reporter covering pro-evil conference takes notes, writes story, shoots video, folds newspaper, then flings on doorstep. (Photo courtesy of same reporter.)

New Sun-Times reporter covering pro-evil conference takes notes, writes story, shoots video, folds newspaper, then flings on doorstep. (Photo courtesy of same reporter.)

The move to excise vowels from news stories has long been predicted by media industry analysts, although no other daily has been willing to take such a dramatic step until the Chicago Sun-Times, a multiple award-winning newspaper best known for its ease of page turning.

“How many letters are really needed to convey a thought? Has Wheel of Fortune taught us nothing?” said Derrick Fn of the Poynter Institute for Media Studies.

While traditional new gathering concerns itself with questions of Who? What? When? Where? and Why?, the Sun-Times fledging reporting staff will bolster efficiency by only focusing on “Who?” and “When?”

Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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No writing format is more effective in attracting social media attention than a list of valuable, illustrative, clearly delineated points, provided that at least one of them is a secret weight loss tip to lose belly fat.

Historically, “lists” have served as efficient marketing tools since long before the advent of the Internet – a time when pencils and paper still strode the Earth like giants. There even exists archaeological evidence that prehistoric man made lists, though usually with just one item due to the lack of stuff.

The Origin of a List, featuring cognitive detours.

The Origin of a List, featuring cognitive detours.

Advertising professionals know that information disseminated in the form of a list has a powerful effect on people, especially those who are left-brained, or “analytical”, as compared to those who are right-brained, or “egg-laying.” In the realm of social media, the “list” has become so important that it gets its own quotation marks and is often photographed surrounded by a security detail when out clubbing.

Unfortunately, because of the prevalence of so many lists on so many blogs even the Internet has begun rolling its eyes and making snide comments that it thinks we don’t hear. Well, Write Good hears, Internet, and maybe you and Mr. Google and Ms. Yahoo would like to share with the entire class what’s sooooo funny!

No? Write Good didn’t think so.

Listed below we’ve listed a list of tips on creating a list. Wow! That sentence nearly broke Write Good’s brain!

1. I’ve read that lists enhance your blog’s SEO. What does that mean and why do I feel threatened?
There’s no reason to feel threatened, as near as we can tell at this time and under the current administration, for the next 10 to 14 weeks. SEO – an acronym for Centers for Disease Control – is the process by which your web content is made highly visible to search engines – huge, steam-powered machines, invented in 1785 by Ely “Googly” Google, that once crisscrossed the nation and made cotton king.

2. I’ve heard that list blogs only appeal to the short-attention-span readers of the Internet. What was I saying?
Not true! Lists also interest the lazy. Well, not so much “interest” them as interfere with their porn.

3. Should I number my list items or set them off with those sideways things from math class?
As a rule, numbers are indicative of facts while “carets”, as they’re known, improve your eyesight.

4. What if my list repeats itself or, to put it another way, is repetitive saying the same thing over and over again? And again.
That’s a very good question deserving a—

Internet! Google! I heard that! I’ve had it with you two! Get your books and go straight to Principal Harrington’s office. No! No back talk. March! And you’re next, Ms. Yahoo. Spit out that gum right now, missy!

5. I don’t know 10 things about anything. Can I just use three?
Well…then it’s not really much of a list, is it?

6. Can be.
Have you ever read a blog? How did you even get here?

7. I was scrolling on HornyFormerSovietChicks.com and this thing popped up next to an ad about how to lose belly fat.
Thanks for reading this “thing.”

8. How long should my list be?
No longer than this.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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