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When dogs get bumped…

Check out our latest cartoon, United, we sit!

Read our litter-mate blog, Sleeping Between Giants, to learn what goes on in the minds of dogs.

If anything.

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A Write Good!: The News report
Write Good!: The News — “All the story, plus lies!

A historic Supreme Court session that saw major rulings affecting the Voting Rights Act and the Defense of Marriage Act ended with the justices sprinting for the parking lot to split for summer break.

“I am SO out of here!” yelled a jubilant Chief Justice John Roberts as he balled up his judicial robes and tossed them in the back seat of his Ford Fiesta. “LAUDERDALE! WooooEEEE!,” he added.

“Shotgun!” shouted Justice Antonin Scalia, piling into the passenger side.

Justices of the Roberts Court loosen up and “get down” with their peers during summer break in Fort Lauderdale.

Justices of the Roberts Court loosen up and “get down” with their peers during summer break in Fort Lauderdale.


Standing in the lobby of the Supreme Court Building, Justice Anthony Kennedy declined to comment on the dramatic rulings by the conservative-leaning high court that marked a dramatic defeat for racial minorities and a powerful victory for gay rights.

However, Kennedy, jingling his car keys and repeatedly checking his watch, was overheard to remark “̒Zat it? We done?” to nearby Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Elena Kagan. Ginsburg, busily texting, did not respond. However, a laughing Kagan, making air quotes, replied, “What evs!”

“The conclusion of the Court’s term each summer presents a unique study of contradictions,” explained Court historian Manuel Procedendo of the Constitutional Accountability Center. “It’s a time for the justices to analyze new petitions, consider applications and motions, and prepare for upcoming cases. But usually they just get shit-face wasted.

“Man, are they gonna raise Hell,” Procedendo added thoughtfully as the remaining justices waved wildly from the windows of High Court One, the Supreme Court’s constitutionally mandated recreational vehicle festooned with a banner reading “U.S. vs Team Bacardi! Drink Responsibly.”

“This could be the Rehnquist Court all over again!”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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Because of a spectacular controversy within the scientific community, Write Good! is stepping in to resolve mankind’s fundamental understanding of the very nature of the universe – yet again!

At issue is the appropriate name to be assigned to the Higgs boson, that highly elusive quantum particle that had escaped detection for decades by even the most sophisticated instruments. Last July, scientists at CERN in Switzerland discovered the theoretical boson using the Large Hadron Collider – a high-energy particle accelerator built to destroy the Earth. To nearly everyone’s surprise, the missing particle was found jammed in the kitchen drawer under a batch of photos from the researchers’ bass fishing trip to the Wisconsin Dells.

The scientific community was jubilant, especially the physicists at the Large Hadron Collider. Wine flowed freely at congratulatory celebrations, and soon drunken revelers were colliding anything they could get their hands on – note pads, car keys, bras – just for the flash and sizzle. One prankster even painted a giant smiley face on the collider’s earth-boring, black-hole-tipped nuclear bomb ovipositor, a practical joke that cost him the use of both arms.

CERN scientists enjoy brief respite from research as military concludes early test of Large Hadron Collider.

CERN scientists enjoy brief respite from research as military concludes early test of Large Hadron Collider.

To the discoverer of such a monumental find comes the promise of a Nobel Prize and with it more than $1 million, worldwide acclaim, the launch of their own celebrity clothing line, franking privileges, and a cameo appearance on The Big Bang Theory.

At issue: whether the Higgs boson particle should maintain the name of the British physicist, Peter Higgs, who’s credited with theorizing its existence. Rival scientists have launched a campaign to rename the boson as a way of sharing credit for the landmark discovery. Although Higgs has long acknowledged the work of others in formulating the boson theory, his rivals are not appeased. Some lobby publically for a name change, others routinely trash Higgs’ dorm room or drunk call him at 2 a.m. from the local physics-themed bar.

To properly rename the boson we must first understand the boson. What is its motivation? Where does it expect to be in five years? Turn ons?

Even among the subatomic particles – that powerful lobbying branch of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission – the boson is an enigma. Hairless and covered with bony plates, bosons are amphibious but give birth to live young, which they carry in their pouch until mature.

Sorry, Write Good! was looking at the wrong Web page.

Back in the 1960s, researchers first proposed a unique form of subatomic particle with the ability to create a field in which other passing particles had mass. Dubbed the Higgs boson, the theory involved a lot of math, chalk boards covered with little, squiggly characters, and men wearing white shirts, narrow ties and pants belted above their navels.

The Higgs boson is considered the backbone of the subatomic particles, often working long hours in a cramped office for little pay while Gamma rays get all the publicity. Mainstream media – which doesn’t understand science any better than Write Good! – dramatically dubbed the Higg’s boson the “God particle” because of its crucial, yet elusive nature as well as its deep voice and flowing white beard.

Simulated collision between two protons reveals ‘God particles’ in stunningly clear details of cheap sight gag.

Simulated collision between two protons reveals ‘God particles’ in stunningly clear details of cheap sight gag.

Without a solid grounding in quantum mechanics, we can only understand the workings of the boson by using an analogy. If not, we’ll move on to hand puppets, then a felt board.

Imagine that the universe is a small, modestly successful Greek-owned restaurant, possibly on the near west side of Chicago. The time: a few hours after the breakfast rush but before the lunch crowd. A group of rival scientists wearing their gang colors sit around a table glumly staring into their coffee mugs. The bell above the door chimes. In walks Professor Higgs accompanied by his boson, who take a booth by the door. A waitress reluctantly takes their order, complaining that she always gains mass when she comes within the boson’s field.

RIVAL SCIENTIST: Hey Higgsy, do you have to bring that thing in here?

HIGGS: Look, it’s an elementary particle pivotal in explaining all the forces arising between the subatomic particles that allow atoms to form. So, ya’ know, it ain’t my call.

RIVAL SCIENTIST: Dickhead!

SAM, THE OWNER: No trouble, boys! Don’t make me come out there.

RIVAL SCIENTIST: Ah, ferget it, Sam. We’re just being rivals.

HIGGS: Look, guys, I’m no happier than you about the way things worked out with…You-Know-Who here. But isn’t it time we just let it go? Who knows, maybe we’ll all get a shot at a Big Bang Theory walk on.

RIVAL SCIENTIST: Yeah, what the Hell, Higgsy. C’mon over and let’s have a beer.

Higgs and the boson join the rival scientists. Their table’s mass, suddenly altered by the boson’s field, tips over shattering crockery on the floor. They all laugh.

SAM, THE OWNER: Hey, you don’t bring that damn thing in here no more. OK? OK!

Anyway, that’s why it’s called the Higgs boson.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report
Write Good!: The News — “All the story, plus lies!

(Christchurch, New Zealand) Researchers in New Zealand have found that Lego faces have grown angrier since the 1990s and that the popular toys may pose a risk to themselves and their loved ones.

“All the warning signs have been there. I mean, just look at the pirates – their pain, their despondency. It’s etched into their faces,” said facial recognition expert Enid Thimmel. “Well, not etched. I think they use decals. Or stencils. It’s not paint, is it?

“Regardless, you store these toys near the liquor cabinet, you’re just asking for trouble.”

Famously recognized for their iconic smiley features, by the mid-90s only about 80 percent of the Lego figurines wore happy faces. By 2010 that proportion had dropped to 50 percent, according to the team of academics from the University of Canterbury who arrived at their conclusion through scientific analysis of figurines facial expressions – an exhaustive process that involved months of playing with the toys, then goofing around with video games, ordering pizza, and marathon viewings of The Matrix movies followed by a lot of prank calls.

New Zealand study reveals subtle changes in facial expressions of Lego figures over three decades.

New Zealand study reveals subtle changes in facial expressions of Lego figures over three decades.


Parents groups have been quick to voice their concerns.

“We’ve long been aware of a sense of unrest among the Lego toys, especially the Star Wars Death Star action figures,” said Hillary Castern, president of Parents Without Pit Bulls.

“For instance, Janet Kilber’s mother said that my Carolyn smacked Janet – her very best friend – with a strut from a Corporate Alliance Tank Droid. Clearly, that was provoked by Boba Fett, possibly even Princess Leia.

“Janet’s mother’s a bitch,” she noted.

Child psychologists and industry experts are conflicted over how best to address the Lego figurines deep emotional distress. The toys are not responsible for what is a potentially treatable mental illness. On the other hand, they’re so easy to melt on a hot skillet.

In the swirl of controversy, the Denmark-based Lego Group has already canceled plans for its 2014 rollout of mini figures based on Russell Crowe.

Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report
Write Good!: The News — “All the story, plus lies!

(CHICAGO) In the wake of the Chicago Sun-Times lay off of its entire photography staff as it seeks to reach a more “digitally savvy” audience, the newspaper continued that bold campaign Monday by sacking all of its reporters and eliminating the use of vowels in news stories.

“Just as photography has given way to video content in meeting the demands of our digitally savvy audiences, the rapid pace of news has outstripped the Sun-Times’ need for slow-moving reporters, with all their phone calls and ‘reliable sources’ and fact checking,” according to a statement from the newspaper.

“Plus all their loud typing and the coffee stains everywhere – it drives us crazy!”

To combine news gathering efficiency with enhanced multimedia content, reporters will be replaced with the Sun-Times newspaper delivery staff equipped with iPhones.

“Those kids on their bikes go everywhere. They probably see lots of news. Real stuff, too. Not just politics and all that overseas crap,” said Dolph Flagin, former assistant delivery dispatcher and now Sun-Times managing editor. “They can cover a story, write it, make a video, then fling it at your door all at the same time. They’ll even write those editorials, I’ll bet. They’re always giving me their opinions.

“Bunch’a loudmouths,” Flagin added.

New Sun-Times reporter covering pro-evil conference takes notes, writes story, shoots video, folds newspaper, then flings on doorstep. (Photo courtesy of same reporter.)

New Sun-Times reporter covering pro-evil conference takes notes, writes story, shoots video, folds newspaper, then flings on doorstep. (Photo courtesy of same reporter.)

The move to excise vowels from news stories has long been predicted by media industry analysts, although no other daily has been willing to take such a dramatic step until the Chicago Sun-Times, a multiple award-winning newspaper best known for its ease of page turning.

“How many letters are really needed to convey a thought? Has Wheel of Fortune taught us nothing?” said Derrick Fn of the Poynter Institute for Media Studies.

While traditional new gathering concerns itself with questions of Who? What? When? Where? and Why?, the Sun-Times fledging reporting staff will bolster efficiency by only focusing on “Who?” and “When?”

Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report

(MONOPOLY) In a blistering denunciation of the new cat token recently added to the popular board game that bears his name, The Monopoly Guy has filed a multi-million dollar criminal negligence lawsuit against toymaker Hasbro that could have a devastating effect on the real estate, railroad, water and energy markets, and also a couple of the other game pieces.

The lawsuit stems from an online contest in which Monopoly fans voted to replace the least popular token with a more “relevant” one, Hasbro explained of a game that still features a wheelbarrow as a popular mode of transportation.

The cat received 31 percent of votes, edging out competing tokens that included newcomers guitar, helicopter, another cat – only a different cat, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and a veal chop.

“This is nothing less than socialism taken to its nightmarish extreme!” the iconic tuxedo clad, top hat sporting The Monopoly Guy decried during an impromptu news conference on the steps of the city’s courthouse and corrections facility that he insisted he was “just visiting.”

Enigmatic The Monopoly Guy shown here on highly controversial, short-lived Community Chest card.

Enigmatic The Monopoly Guy shown here on highly controversial, short-lived Community Chest card.

“That cat is more than a nuisance: it’s a damn menace!” said The Monopoly Guy. “I’ve spoken to several other tokens – you know, the ones with lips – they’re living in abject terror, afraid to venture into some neighborhoods. Well, Baltic Avenue, of course, but now they won’t even go near those yellow and green properties. Some tokens are refusing to leave the lavish hotels I own, even to sponge off the Obama-funded Community Chest in order to pay my extremely affordable rents.

“It’s like I’m being robbed,” The Monopoly Guy added while turning out his empty pockets and dramatically shrugging his shoulders.

Wealthy, flamboyant, yet enigmatic, The Monopoly Guy has long been the game’s nameless persona, although throughout the years he’s been dubbed Rich “Uncle” Pennybags, Mr. Monoply and Mitt Romney.

Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.
This story is courtesy of Write Good!: The News – “All the story, plus lies!

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report

(WASHINGTON) In eleventh hour negotiations to steer clear of the looming “fiscal cliff”, congressional leaders are seeking advice from the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote – experts in similarly cartoonish precipice-related crises.

So far, calling on the risk management skills of misters Runner and Coyote is the only negotiation strategy that has received bipartisan support, admitted a solemn President Obama at an early Monday news conference held, uncharacteristically, in front of a huge, dark tunnel painted on a rock wall.

“Road Runner is particularly adroit at avoiding cliffs” said the president. “And Wile E. Coyote brings to the table a wealth of experience with crash landings – much like House Speaker Boehner,” he added before his remarks were drowned out by the horn of a locomotive approaching from behind.

Congressional leaders seek advice from fellow cartoon character.

Congressional leaders seek advice from fellow cartoon character.


Congressional leaders are well familiar with the potentially drastic results of falling off the fiscal cliff, noted a clearly frustrated Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

“We’re facing major tax increases, automatic spending cuts, a freeze in unemployment benefits, and a proliferation of those little exploding model airplanes that keep landing on Wile E. Coyote and blowing up,” said McConnell. “God, I loved that cartoon!”

A failure by lawmakers to reach agreement by midnight tonight could threaten an already fragile economy, but will have a severe and adverse effect on every American, with the exception of workers at Acme factories nationwide.

Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.
This story is courtesy of Write Good!: The News – “All the story, plus lies!

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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