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Posts Tagged ‘agriculture’

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – The public’s unfounded safety concerns over genetically engineered foods might result in higher costs in the grocery store, as well as a potentially catastrophic battle between the forces of good and evil.

A powerful grass-roots movement is fueling legislation that could soon require companies to disclose on food labels if products contain GMOs, or Gigantic Mothra-like Organisms.

The food industry is pouring millions of dollars into lobbying efforts to defeat GMO food labeling bills. Educating a misinformed public about the benefits of genetically engineered products has become the voluntary responsibility of farmers, scientists, and those people who have gained preternatural powers through freakish accidents.

“Benefits? Do I even need to list them?” Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro, told attendees at a recent joint 4-H/Atomic Energy Commission meeting. “Why bother when I can simply project my thoughts directly into your weak, homo sapien minds?”

<em>Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, explains the benefits of GMOs and orders us to obey. Obey!</em>

Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, explains the benefits of GMOs and orders us to obey. Obey!


According to Toynbee’s mind-cast, GMOs have had genetic material altered to produce a desirable trait. Examples include insect-resistant corn, nutritionally enriched grains, and half-cow, half-human hybrids that produce milk and can announce their “sell by” date.

Critics of mandatory labeling warn of increased food handling costs as growers and grocers struggle to implement radiation protocols, outfit employees with containment suits, and fortify shelves with lead shielding.

However, Vermont’s recent enactment of the nation’s first genetically modified food labeling law has been well received by local residents. Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin also welcomed the legislation provided it doesn’t hinder his state’s ongoing development of a bulletproof maple syrup.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!

(DES MOINES) An animal welfare group responsible for spilling red paint on a butter cow sculpture at the Iowa State Fair is threatening to intensify their attacks until a fearful public shakes its head in annoyance and mutters, “Well, I never!”

“You have forced our hand and now butter must suffer!” read a news release from the Iowans for Animal Liberation that claimed responsibility for the vandalism. “Sorry! Enjoy the rest of the fair.”

The cow, which is constructed of 600 pounds of butter over a wood and metal armature, is housed in the fair’s refrigerated room with other butter sculptures. To gain access to the display, the animal welfare activists hid in the Agriculture Building disguised as beets.

The butter was quickly patched and paint damage to the sculpture was repaired through an art restoration process described as “wiping it off.”

The words “Freedom for all” were scrawled on a display window – part of a “wake-up call” to those who consume animal products, the news release explained.

“We really argued about that wording,” noted the statement. “Ernie and Celeste were insisting on ‘Stop me before I sauté again!’ We couldn’t tell if they were kidding because, we are told, we have no sense of humor.”

Animal welfare activists plan protests of lab-grown meat once they figure out which part is the animal.

Animal welfare activists plan protests of lab-grown meat once they figure out which part is the animal.

The Iowans for Animal Liberation have threatened to embolden their stance through the future protests of their international organization, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. That organization’s next target will be the recently unveiled laboratory-grown beef developed by Dutch scientists who hope one day to alleviate world hunger.

“We’re gonna kick the shit out of that one just as soon as we figure out why it’s wrong,” said activists.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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