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Archive for the ‘Science’ Category

Dog owners are worried about how best to protect their pets against the upcoming Great American Eclipse – an astronomical event described by President Trump’s handpicked climate and science advisor as, “When the huge, flying Sky Serpent swallows the Fiery Sun Goddess.”

Read more at our litter-mate blog, Sleeping between Giants!

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By Dave Jaffe

(WriteGood!TheNews wire service) — Stung by safety issues with their exploding washing machines and smartphones, manufacturer Samsung is repurposing those products as alternative rocket propulsion systems.

“Yes, the Galaxy Note 7 batteries erupt in flames,” said company spokesman Rocky ‘Ace’ Butane. “Yes, some washing machines crater the basement. But someday…someday those defective, potentially deadly machines will carry Mankind to the stars.

“Also clean their clothes and send texts.”

Test launch of Maximus Artemis Regulus StarPlus rocket powered by Samsung TurboClear top-loader in Avocado Bisque. Also available in Stainless Fog.

Test launch of Maximus Artemis Regulus StarPlus rocket powered by Samsung TurboClear top-loader in Avocado Bisque. Also available in Stainless Fog.

U.S. regulators, unsure what to do with 1 million recalled smartphones and an as yet unknown number of washers, welcomed the news.

“So long as they’re not in my garage,” said a spokesman for the Consumer Product Safety Commission. “I’ve already got 500 hoverboards crammed in there. I’m terrified to use my gas grill.”

Space vehicle companies like SpaceX and Virgin Galactic welcomed the opportunity to tap the awesome potential of Samsung’s highly volatile defective products line.

“Two washing machines or a dozen smartphones taped together provide the same explosive thrust as a half-million gallons of liquid rocket fuel,” explained a researcher.

“But rocket fuel’s more stable.”

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Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) Hours after the resignation of Volkswagen chief executive Martin Winterkorn over an emissions cheating scandal, the thickness of the Arctic permafrost increased by nearly 11 percent.

Leaders in the scientific community were clearly relieved that global warming has been reversed by the resignation of the leading carmaker’s 68-year-old chief executive.

“Well, that’s that!” said United Nations Chief Climatologist Rocky “Monsoon” Butane, dramatically crossing off an item on his clipboard during a morning news conference.

Volkswagen CEO admits affecting climate as angry protestors mill about warming their eggs between their feet.

Volkswagen CEO admits affecting climate as angry protestors mill about warming their eggs between their feet.

Volkswagen has admitted the emissions tests deception that led to the downfall of Winterkorn and the return of the Earth’s atmosphere to a pristine, Eden-like state.

According to the Environmental Protection Agency, some diesel engine cars sold in the US had devices that could detect when they were being tested, then slam down the accelerator and floor it the Hell outta there before the results could be checked.

“As CEO, I accept responsibility for the irregularities that have been found in diesel engines,” Winterkorn said in a statement. But he insisted that he personally had committed no misconduct, in the sense that he was nowhere near the polar ice caps when they melted.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – The European Space Agency’s celebration of the Philae lander’s historic arrival on a distant comet was dashed today when a sixth-grade student revealed that the whole mission was a hoax he created to get out of gym.

Bradley Thomas Rucker, 12, a student at Charles Middleton Junior High School in Tinley Park, Illinois, perpetrated the prank by using Chicken McNuggets and a space diorama he’d built for extra credit in science class. How the hoax might have excused Rucker from gym remains unclear, although he vaguely referenced his concerns about an upcoming curls, pull-ups, and timed shuttle run test.

“I was just kidding around,” Rucker said at a joint ESA/Middleton Bobcats Pep Rally news conference. “I told Jamie and Marcus but swore them to shut up about it, that it was just a joke. But then Marcus has to be so cool and right away texts Kelly, like she’ll be really impressed. Which she isn’t. And she texted everybody.

“And then the ESA was all, ‘Look! We landed on a comet! Hurrah for us!’”

Reimaged data from the Philae lander reveals Chicken McNuggets-related inconsistencies.

Reimaged data from the Philae lander reveals Chicken McNuggets-related inconsistencies.

A subdued ESA Liaison to Small Heads Rocky “Ace” Butane conceded that scientists should have been more suspicious when the agency began receiving fresh telemetry from the lander after 10-years travel to the distant two-mile wide Comet 67p/Churyumov-Gerasimenko.

“Honestly? We figured it had slammed into the sun years ago. They always do,” Butane said.

The hoax came apart when an initial review of data from the lander revealed the comet surface to be unexpectedly high in saturated fat, cholesterol and sodium.

“Such findings would be more consistent with a planetary body of a far greater size and nutritional value,” said Butane.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – Paleontologists have unearthed the fossilized skeleton of a dinosaur so huge that it probably was a bully that didn’t take criticism well.

The remarkably complete remains discovered in Argentina reveal a behemoth that weighed some 65 tons and was 85 feet long.

“It weighed more than a dozen elephants and was the length of at least five cars, all of them parked illegally in a handicapped zone,” says Professor Kenneth Lacovara, who discovered the creature.

<em>Gigantic Dreadnoughtus dinosaur was plant-eater.  All the plants.  Everywhere.</em>

Gigantic Dreadnoughtus dinosaur was plant-eater. All the plants. Everywhere.

Dubbed Dreadnoughtus schrani, the super-large dinosaur would have dwarfed its closest titanic rival, the FuckYouosaurous Rex, a meat-eater that was utterly insensitive to the feelings of others, says Lacovara.

“We learn from fossil records that possibly due to their massive, bony armor and razor-sharp claws, many dinosaurs had an over-developed sense of entitlement, which is common in bullies,” explains Lacovara.

Dreadnoughtus was no different. Clumsy and ponderous compared with other dinosaurs, Dreadnoughtus compensated for its own inadequacy and incompetence by stepping on them.

Scientists have long speculated that dinosaurs were jerks. Adding greater validity to this theory is the discovery, close by the Dreadnoughtus dig, of the petrified remains of a smaller dinosaur’s lunch money.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – The public’s unfounded safety concerns over genetically engineered foods might result in higher costs in the grocery store, as well as a potentially catastrophic battle between the forces of good and evil.

A powerful grass-roots movement is fueling legislation that could soon require companies to disclose on food labels if products contain GMOs, or Gigantic Mothra-like Organisms.

The food industry is pouring millions of dollars into lobbying efforts to defeat GMO food labeling bills. Educating a misinformed public about the benefits of genetically engineered products has become the voluntary responsibility of farmers, scientists, and those people who have gained preternatural powers through freakish accidents.

“Benefits? Do I even need to list them?” Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro, told attendees at a recent joint 4-H/Atomic Energy Commission meeting. “Why bother when I can simply project my thoughts directly into your weak, homo sapien minds?”

<em>Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, explains the benefits of GMOs and orders us to obey. Obey!</em>

Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, explains the benefits of GMOs and orders us to obey. Obey!


According to Toynbee’s mind-cast, GMOs have had genetic material altered to produce a desirable trait. Examples include insect-resistant corn, nutritionally enriched grains, and half-cow, half-human hybrids that produce milk and can announce their “sell by” date.

Critics of mandatory labeling warn of increased food handling costs as growers and grocers struggle to implement radiation protocols, outfit employees with containment suits, and fortify shelves with lead shielding.

However, Vermont’s recent enactment of the nation’s first genetically modified food labeling law has been well received by local residents. Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin also welcomed the legislation provided it doesn’t hinder his state’s ongoing development of a bulletproof maple syrup.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(NEVADA) Now that CIA documents have confirmed the existence of Area 51, government employees there worry that their jobs are at risk, especially during this season’s critically-timed harvest of the Queen’s hybrid larvae.

“The expected increase in tourists to this ostensibly secret military facility will pose an enormous strain on our security budget. And I can’t just reassign staff willy-nilly. I’ll have nobody left to maintain the tri-chromium collectors, let alone the mesmeric hypno-phase inducers,” complained Area 51 Dark Cycle Supervisor S’Rin “Larry Johnson” b’Tll.

Area 51 government employees like “Larry” are concerned that declassified CIA documents might draw tourists, distract workers, and “complicate the Supreme Arachnoid’s stratagem.”

Area 51 government employees like “Larry” are concerned that declassified CIA documents might draw tourists, distract workers, and “complicate the Supreme Arachnoid’s stratagem.”

The recently declassified documents for the first time mention Area 51 by name and identify its longtime use as a military base to develop cutting-edge aircraft.

The documents clearly demystify the base’s long-held fiction as a cache for extraterrestrial artifacts and life forms. However, self-proclaimed “UFOlogists” will doubtless continue to question the meaning of unredacted phrases like “crippled spacecraft”, “ovoid, greyish heads”, “pawns in a galactic war”, and “Velcro”.

“Yes, we have a lot of circus folk employed here,” admitted “Johnson.” “But they’re hard workers and loyal Americans, every one!

“Why can’t we just be left alone to do our jobs, enjoy our families, and propagate and nurture our pupae in the moist, cave-like environs deep beneath your Earth.

“Of course, I mean ‘our Earth’”, he added.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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