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A Write Good!: The News report

(MONOPOLY) In a blistering denunciation of the new cat token recently added to the popular board game that bears his name, The Monopoly Guy has filed a multi-million dollar criminal negligence lawsuit against toymaker Hasbro that could have a devastating effect on the real estate, railroad, water and energy markets, and also a couple of the other game pieces.

The lawsuit stems from an online contest in which Monopoly fans voted to replace the least popular token with a more “relevant” one, Hasbro explained of a game that still features a wheelbarrow as a popular mode of transportation.

The cat received 31 percent of votes, edging out competing tokens that included newcomers guitar, helicopter, another cat – only a different cat, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and a veal chop.

“This is nothing less than socialism taken to its nightmarish extreme!” the iconic tuxedo clad, top hat sporting The Monopoly Guy decried during an impromptu news conference on the steps of the city’s courthouse and corrections facility that he insisted he was “just visiting.”

Enigmatic The Monopoly Guy shown here on highly controversial, short-lived Community Chest card.

Enigmatic The Monopoly Guy shown here on highly controversial, short-lived Community Chest card.

“That cat is more than a nuisance: it’s a damn menace!” said The Monopoly Guy. “I’ve spoken to several other tokens – you know, the ones with lips – they’re living in abject terror, afraid to venture into some neighborhoods. Well, Baltic Avenue, of course, but now they won’t even go near those yellow and green properties. Some tokens are refusing to leave the lavish hotels I own, even to sponge off the Obama-funded Community Chest in order to pay my extremely affordable rents.

“It’s like I’m being robbed,” The Monopoly Guy added while turning out his empty pockets and dramatically shrugging his shoulders.

Wealthy, flamboyant, yet enigmatic, The Monopoly Guy has long been the game’s nameless persona, although throughout the years he’s been dubbed Rich “Uncle” Pennybags, Mr. Monoply and Mitt Romney.

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This story is courtesy of Write Good!: The News – “All the story, plus lies!

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