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By Dave Jaffe

(WriteGood!TheNews wire service) — Stung by safety issues with their exploding washing machines and smartphones, manufacturer Samsung is repurposing those products as alternative rocket propulsion systems.

“Yes, the Galaxy Note 7 batteries erupt in flames,” said company spokesman Rocky ‘Ace’ Butane. “Yes, some washing machines crater the basement. But someday…someday those defective, potentially deadly machines will carry Mankind to the stars.

“Also clean their clothes and send texts.”

Test launch of Maximus Artemis Regulus StarPlus rocket powered by Samsung TurboClear top-loader in Avocado Bisque. Also available in Stainless Fog.

Test launch of Maximus Artemis Regulus StarPlus rocket powered by Samsung TurboClear top-loader in Avocado Bisque. Also available in Stainless Fog.

U.S. regulators, unsure what to do with 1 million recalled smartphones and an as yet unknown number of washers, welcomed the news.

“So long as they’re not in my garage,” said a spokesman for the Consumer Product Safety Commission. “I’ve already got 500 hoverboards crammed in there. I’m terrified to use my gas grill.”

Space vehicle companies like SpaceX and Virgin Galactic welcomed the opportunity to tap the awesome potential of Samsung’s highly volatile defective products line.

“Two washing machines or a dozen smartphones taped together provide the same explosive thrust as a half-million gallons of liquid rocket fuel,” explained a researcher.

“But rocket fuel’s more stable.”

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