Posts Tagged ‘comet’

The threat of meteors devastating the Earth is so real that scientists at the recent Planetary Defense Conference in Washington, D.C. didn’t once giggle every time they said “Uranus.”

To punctuate the dangers from space, attendees were presented a realistic exercise of a potential strike to a populated area by an asteroid, which is a meteor with a learner’s permit.

The circle of destruction would be immense. Cities leveled. Communities destroyed. Even those living half a world away would be affected, disturbed by what might sound like raccoons in the trash cans.

In response, Congress hastily convened an investigative subcommittee charged with overseeing science-based defense plans, locating nearby meteors larger than a Ford Fiesta, then issuing them subpoenas.

Recently coming to light are secret transcripts from a closed-door meeting of that committee. An angry White House has denied the authenticity of the recordings, the mission of the subcommittee, the existence of meteors, asteroids, the Earth, electricity, long division, and Washington, D.C.

SENATOR 1: “Good morning. (Tapping microphone) Is this on?”

AIDE: “Yes, sir!”

SENATOR 1: “Why is this on.”

AIDE: “Um…the bylaws—”

SENATOR 1: “Yes, yes, alright! Let’s just move on. Now director, before our break you said it was possible that a meteor could strike a major US city? Do you know which one?”

SCIENCE DIRECTOR: “No, sir. That’s difficult to predict.”

SENATOR 1: “Even using your ‘long division’? I see. But if you did know which city, would there be enough time to redistrict the area?”

DIRECTOR: “I don’t understand, Senator.”

SENATOR 1: “Are meteors gerrymandering?”

DIRECTOR: “That’s not… They don’t—”

SENATOR 1: “Yes or no please, sir!

DIRECTOR: “Senator, a meteor is a chunk of matter that glows from heating as it passes through Earth’s atmosphere.”

SENATOR 1: “I see…I see. And what percentage of meteors – 10? 50? 75? – are space pirates?”

DIRECTOR: “You what, now?”

SENATOR 1: “Could meteors be disguised space pirates? Are pirates perhaps hiding behind asteroids? Could Hoth be their secret base?”

DIRECTOR: “Are we role-playing? I think we’re role-playing?”

SENATOR 1: “I’m deadly serious, director. Now, how effective would a Space Force be in deterring these meteor pirates?”

DIRECTOR: “Could I have some more water, please?”

SENATOR 2: “Senator, if I might amplify. Director, in your professional opinion. Our Space Force: Would their uniforms be…cool?”

DIRECTOR: (Sighs) “Why not?”

SENATOR 2: “Like blue with gold stars. And maybe a lightning bolt?”

DIRECTOR: “You bet!”

SENATOR 2: “Oh, and a unicorn.”

DIRECTOR: “…unicorn?”

SENATOR 1: “Very strategic, Senator. Director, would you see to ordering 250,000 such uniforms?”

SENATOR 2: “And one for my granddaughter!”

DIRECTOR: “Senators, who’s going to pay for all this?”

All Senators: “Mexico!”


Dave Jaffe also writes the national award-winning humor blog Sleeping between Giants: Life, if you could call it that, with a Terrier

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – The European Space Agency’s celebration of the Philae lander’s historic arrival on a distant comet was dashed today when a sixth-grade student revealed that the whole mission was a hoax he created to get out of gym.

Bradley Thomas Rucker, 12, a student at Charles Middleton Junior High School in Tinley Park, Illinois, perpetrated the prank by using Chicken McNuggets and a space diorama he’d built for extra credit in science class. How the hoax might have excused Rucker from gym remains unclear, although he vaguely referenced his concerns about an upcoming curls, pull-ups, and timed shuttle run test.

“I was just kidding around,” Rucker said at a joint ESA/Middleton Bobcats Pep Rally news conference. “I told Jamie and Marcus but swore them to shut up about it, that it was just a joke. But then Marcus has to be so cool and right away texts Kelly, like she’ll be really impressed. Which she isn’t. And she texted everybody.

“And then the ESA was all, ‘Look! We landed on a comet! Hurrah for us!’”

Reimaged data from the Philae lander reveals Chicken McNuggets-related inconsistencies.

Reimaged data from the Philae lander reveals Chicken McNuggets-related inconsistencies.

A subdued ESA Liaison to Small Heads Rocky “Ace” Butane conceded that scientists should have been more suspicious when the agency began receiving fresh telemetry from the lander after 10-years travel to the distant two-mile wide Comet 67p/Churyumov-Gerasimenko.

“Honestly? We figured it had slammed into the sun years ago. They always do,” Butane said.

The hoax came apart when an initial review of data from the lander revealed the comet surface to be unexpectedly high in saturated fat, cholesterol and sodium.

“Such findings would be more consistent with a planetary body of a far greater size and nutritional value,” said Butane.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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