Posts Tagged ‘science’

The threat of meteors devastating the Earth is so real that scientists at the recent Planetary Defense Conference in Washington, D.C. didn’t once giggle every time they said “Uranus.”

To punctuate the dangers from space, attendees were presented a realistic exercise of a potential strike to a populated area by an asteroid, which is a meteor with a learner’s permit.

The circle of destruction would be immense. Cities leveled. Communities destroyed. Even those living half a world away would be affected, disturbed by what might sound like raccoons in the trash cans.

In response, Congress hastily convened an investigative subcommittee charged with overseeing science-based defense plans, locating nearby meteors larger than a Ford Fiesta, then issuing them subpoenas.

Recently coming to light are secret transcripts from a closed-door meeting of that committee. An angry White House has denied the authenticity of the recordings, the mission of the subcommittee, the existence of meteors, asteroids, the Earth, electricity, long division, and Washington, D.C.

SENATOR 1: “Good morning. (Tapping microphone) Is this on?”

AIDE: “Yes, sir!”

SENATOR 1: “Why is this on.”

AIDE: “Um…the bylaws—”

SENATOR 1: “Yes, yes, alright! Let’s just move on. Now director, before our break you said it was possible that a meteor could strike a major US city? Do you know which one?”

SCIENCE DIRECTOR: “No, sir. That’s difficult to predict.”

SENATOR 1: “Even using your ‘long division’? I see. But if you did know which city, would there be enough time to redistrict the area?”

DIRECTOR: “I don’t understand, Senator.”

SENATOR 1: “Are meteors gerrymandering?”

DIRECTOR: “That’s not… They don’t—”

SENATOR 1: “Yes or no please, sir!

DIRECTOR: “Senator, a meteor is a chunk of matter that glows from heating as it passes through Earth’s atmosphere.”

SENATOR 1: “I see…I see. And what percentage of meteors – 10? 50? 75? – are space pirates?”

DIRECTOR: “You what, now?”

SENATOR 1: “Could meteors be disguised space pirates? Are pirates perhaps hiding behind asteroids? Could Hoth be their secret base?”

DIRECTOR: “Are we role-playing? I think we’re role-playing?”

SENATOR 1: “I’m deadly serious, director. Now, how effective would a Space Force be in deterring these meteor pirates?”

DIRECTOR: “Could I have some more water, please?”

SENATOR 2: “Senator, if I might amplify. Director, in your professional opinion. Our Space Force: Would their uniforms be…cool?”

DIRECTOR: (Sighs) “Why not?”

SENATOR 2: “Like blue with gold stars. And maybe a lightning bolt?”

DIRECTOR: “You bet!”

SENATOR 2: “Oh, and a unicorn.”

DIRECTOR: “…unicorn?”

SENATOR 1: “Very strategic, Senator. Director, would you see to ordering 250,000 such uniforms?”

SENATOR 2: “And one for my granddaughter!”

DIRECTOR: “Senators, who’s going to pay for all this?”

All Senators: “Mexico!”


Dave Jaffe also writes the national award-winning humor blog Sleeping between Giants: Life, if you could call it that, with a Terrier

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Startling images of a massive black hole have captivated Giants worldwide.

Dogs, not so much…

Budleigh explains why in the latest Ask a Terrier advice column from our litter-mate blog, Sleeping between Giants.

Ask a Terrier: Not a Black Hole Lot of Excitement for Dogs

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How smart are dogs?

Not very, snorts Science. Sneers. Kicks sand in muzzle.

Wow! That smarts!

The latest column from our litter-mate blog, Sleeping between Giants.

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To help a confused Cocker Spaniel, Budleigh explains the Nature of Time.

And din-dins!

Read more…

The latest Ask a Terrier column from Sleeping between Giants, the litter-mate blog of Write Good!

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Hide indoors! Cover your eyes! IT’S COMING!

Smoked glass ain’t gonna do it!

The latest comic strip from our pack-mate blog, Sleeping between Giants.

Read them all. Collect the set.

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EXCITING ALERT! Look for the premier of the Sleeping between Giants blog currently under construction using heavy equipment and thousands of skilled laborers!

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A Write Good!: The News report
Write Good!: The News — “All the story, plus lies!

(Christchurch, New Zealand) Researchers in New Zealand have found that Lego faces have grown angrier since the 1990s and that the popular toys may pose a risk to themselves and their loved ones.

“All the warning signs have been there. I mean, just look at the pirates – their pain, their despondency. It’s etched into their faces,” said facial recognition expert Enid Thimmel. “Well, not etched. I think they use decals. Or stencils. It’s not paint, is it?

“Regardless, you store these toys near the liquor cabinet, you’re just asking for trouble.”

Famously recognized for their iconic smiley features, by the mid-90s only about 80 percent of the Lego figurines wore happy faces. By 2010 that proportion had dropped to 50 percent, according to the team of academics from the University of Canterbury who arrived at their conclusion through scientific analysis of figurines facial expressions – an exhaustive process that involved months of playing with the toys, then goofing around with video games, ordering pizza, and marathon viewings of The Matrix movies followed by a lot of prank calls.

New Zealand study reveals subtle changes in facial expressions of Lego figures over three decades.

New Zealand study reveals subtle changes in facial expressions of Lego figures over three decades.

Parents groups have been quick to voice their concerns.

“We’ve long been aware of a sense of unrest among the Lego toys, especially the Star Wars Death Star action figures,” said Hillary Castern, president of Parents Without Pit Bulls.

“For instance, Janet Kilber’s mother said that my Carolyn smacked Janet – her very best friend – with a strut from a Corporate Alliance Tank Droid. Clearly, that was provoked by Boba Fett, possibly even Princess Leia.

“Janet’s mother’s a bitch,” she noted.

Child psychologists and industry experts are conflicted over how best to address the Lego figurines deep emotional distress. The toys are not responsible for what is a potentially treatable mental illness. On the other hand, they’re so easy to melt on a hot skillet.

In the swirl of controversy, the Denmark-based Lego Group has already canceled plans for its 2014 rollout of mini figures based on Russell Crowe.

Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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