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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – The European Space Agency’s celebration of the Philae lander’s historic arrival on a distant comet was dashed today when a sixth-grade student revealed that the whole mission was a hoax he created to get out of gym.

Bradley Thomas Rucker, 12, a student at Charles Middleton Junior High School in Tinley Park, Illinois, perpetrated the prank by using Chicken McNuggets and a space diorama he’d built for extra credit in science class. How the hoax might have excused Rucker from gym remains unclear, although he vaguely referenced his concerns about an upcoming curls, pull-ups, and timed shuttle run test.

“I was just kidding around,” Rucker said at a joint ESA/Middleton Bobcats Pep Rally news conference. “I told Jamie and Marcus but swore them to shut up about it, that it was just a joke. But then Marcus has to be so cool and right away texts Kelly, like she’ll be really impressed. Which she isn’t. And she texted everybody.

“And then the ESA was all, ‘Look! We landed on a comet! Hurrah for us!’”

Reimaged data from the Philae lander reveals Chicken McNuggets-related inconsistencies.

Reimaged data from the Philae lander reveals Chicken McNuggets-related inconsistencies.

A subdued ESA Liaison to Small Heads Rocky “Ace” Butane conceded that scientists should have been more suspicious when the agency began receiving fresh telemetry from the lander after 10-years travel to the distant two-mile wide Comet 67p/Churyumov-Gerasimenko.

“Honestly? We figured it had slammed into the sun years ago. They always do,” Butane said.

The hoax came apart when an initial review of data from the lander revealed the comet surface to be unexpectedly high in saturated fat, cholesterol and sodium.

“Such findings would be more consistent with a planetary body of a far greater size and nutritional value,” said Butane.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report

(Merida, Mexico) What began as a prank 5,125 years ago has landed four ancient Mayan gods in a Yucatan court facing misdemeanor charges of terrorizing the Earth’s population and several parking violations.

The four gods, Itzamna, Cinteotl, and two unnamed minors, admitted concocting a Mayan calendar that “predicted” Dec. 21, 2012 as the end of the world in a fiery apocalypse that would reduce a fearful, screaming humankind to charred ashes spinning endlessly through the black void of the celestial firmament.

“We were just trying to lighten the mood,” Itzamna admitted to an arraignment judge before a packed courtroom. “Everybody’s always acting so…you know, serious. It was just a joke. We honestly didn’t mean to fool, like, every living person on the entire planet.

“That was wrong.”

“My clients are quite red-faced,” said their attorney Mark T’xtal. “Of course, several of them are, in fact, red. Also blue, grey-green. One of them’s violet. Most are feathered. Colorful? Yes, but also very, very apologetic.”

Mayan god and alleged doomsday prankster shown here with…weird shit.

Mayan god and alleged doomsday prankster shown here with…weird shit.

Although no one was harmed by the prank calendar and bogus prediction of doom, prosecutors intend to take a hard line with the perpetrators, despite their youth.

“If they’re ‘ancient’ gods they’re expected to make mature choices,” declared Asst. State’s Attorney Patrick Mc’Quetzal for the First District of Chichen Itza. “What if this had been the real end of the world? Someone could have gotten hurt.”

Misdemeanor charges usually result in an extended period of supervision. In cases involving gods, that could run into the millions of years, plus a fine for the parking violations.

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This story is courtesy of Write Good!: The News – “All the story, plus lies!

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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