Posts Tagged ‘green’

by Dave Jaffe

Nearly four years after backing out of the Paris Climate Accord, the U.S. has invited 40 world leaders to a climate summit by issuing the forceful, yet profound message, “Take a joke! Jeez!”

Due to pandemic concerns, the summit is being held virtually and live-streamed to the world in order to feature a wide array of international bookcases and questionable décor choices.

The goal: to reestablish the U.S. leadership role in mitigating the climate crisis. This will be no easy task. Skeptics question the sincerity of the U.S. since under the Trump administration, emissions of dangerous gases doubled whenever any of them spoke.

One of the earliest actions of President Biden was to return the U.S. to the Paris Accord, or l’accord de Paris (French for, “Could you make that without butter?”) Our nation’s responsibility for reversing global warming cannot be understated. The U.S. is one the world’s two biggest carbon polluters, just behind the Republic of Tireburnia.

To ensure success of the summit, climate officials from invited countries met early to welcome the U.S. representative and confront bitter feelings. A partial transcript of that meeting has been revealed.

(Location: a United Nations conference room.)

FRENCH REPRESENTATIVE: “Shhhh! Shh! She’s coming!”

ARGENTINA REP.: (Giggling) “This is going to be so great.”

GERMANY REP.: “Sit down, all of you! Sit NOW!”

(More giggling, then quiet. Creak of door opening followed by heavy splash of water, bucket hitting ground. Loud cursing. Laughter.)

U.S. REP.: “That’s not funny, you guys! These shoes are new!”

CANADA REP.: “Welcome back, jerk!”

U.S. REP.: “I could’a got hurt!”

NIGERIA REP. “Oh, you mean hurt like 80 percent of climate-poor, energy-vulnerable sub-Saharan nations are being hurt?”

CHINA REP.: “Here we go!”

U.S. REP.: “Oh, man! My briefcase is soaked!”

BRAZIL REP.: “Well, boo-HOO! Why don’t you go let it dry out in our rain forests? Where it DOESN’T rain!”

U.S. REP.: “Why don’t you?”

BRAZIL REP.: “Why don’t you?”

U.S. REP.: “Well, why don’t you?”


SWITZERLAND REP.: “OK, let’s everyone just take a breath. Now, let it out. Slowly. Aaaand another. Good!”

U.K. REP.: “Yes, all Keep Calm and Carry On. We just wish to ask you, if it’s not too much of an imposition: those last four years? What was that all about?”

U.S. REP.: “That had nothing to do with me. Nor with 81-million other voters.”

U.K. REP.: “So, you’re all feeling better, now?”

U.S. REP.: “Weeell…”

(Multilingual cursing ensues.)

U.S. REP.: “Look, that’s all water under the bridge. Fresh, clean water!”

JAMAICA REP.: “Tell us, then. How are the nations of the world ever again to trust the United States…mon?”

U.S. REP.: (Snap of briefcase latches.) “I brought presents!”

CHINA REP.: “Not so fast! You want to join again, you gotta go through an initiation! (Sound of a jar unscrewing.) You gotta eat one of these!”

U.S. REP.: “Ewww! That’s…not a bat, right?”

(Chorus of “Chug! Chug! Chug!” is interrupted by public address system.)

PA: “Representatives, the delegate from Russia has arrived.”

(Multilingual groans.)

CHINA REP.: “There’s your initiation. You talk to him!”

U.S. REP.: (Deep sigh.) “Pass me the bat, instead!”


Humorist Dave Jaffe is the author of the national award-winning book and blog, Sleeping between Giants: Life, If You Could Call It That, With A Terrier.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – New White House security measures that run the gamut for technologically sophisticated to magical have been implemented to safeguard President Barrack Obama from Halloween trick-or-treaters.

“While we aren’t anticipating trouble from the neighborhood kids this year, we are prepared to take lethal action. In fact, we look forward to it,” explained interim U.S. Secret Service Director Rocky “Ace” Butane.

Trick-or-treater and potential White House intruder Timmy Madison, 8 and an octopus, shown here moments before being wrestled to the ground and disarmed of his Hershey bar.

Trick-or-treater and potential White House intruder Timmy Madison, 8 and an octopus, shown here moments before being wrestled to the ground and disarmed of his Hershey bar.

The significant security upgrades come amid revelations that an armed intruder who jumped the White House fence and entered the Executive Mansion last month penetrated far deeper than first disclosed by the Secret Service. Agency officials claimed he had been subdued just inside the entrance.

However, during a contentious Capitol Hill hearing about the breach it was revealed that the intruder tried to enter the Green Room – a parlor often used for formal teas – then moved on to the White House kitchen, where he made himself a turkey sandwich with jack cheese, lettuce and light mayonnaise before walking the Obama family dog Bo who, apparently, isn’t worth shit.

Butane discounted allegations that the intruder also watched pro football in the East Room with several agents before being captured.

“That’s absurd! There was no game on that night,” said Butane.

That day of rancorous questioning on the Hill led to the resignation of Julia Pierson as head of the Secret Service. The new, more aggressive, if somewhat unorthodox, White House security measures, have been implemented by incoming Secret Service director Wile E. Coyote.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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