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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGoodWire Services) – Responding to revelations that the National Security Agency secretly monitored the phones of millions of foreign citizens, the agency hopes to make amends by offering a free Domino’s pizza or stuffed cheesy bread to everyone affected.

In a contrite news release, the NSA said “We truly regret disappointing our customers, especially since no one knows that they’re our customers.”

Files leaked by Edward Snowden suggest that the agency tracked the mobile phones of 60 million Spanish and 70 million French citizens in a single month, including the cell phones of the leaders of allied countries.

Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany displays her free pizza – an apology from NSA for monitoring her cell phone.  The NSA also offered to kill one person for her.

Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany displays her free pizza – an apology from NSA for monitoring her cell phone. The NSA also offered to kill one person for her.

Analysis of NSA surveillance operations worldwide revealed that 438-million calls were to order pizza for delivery. Another 86-million requested pizza for pickup, 327,000 added a side salad, and only two calls discussed plutonium.

In the hope of quelling protests by citizens overseas, the agency is promising a free medium thin-crust pizza – one topping only – to every person whose name appeared in NSA files. Trained field agents will deliver the pizzas personally, although for security reasons will leave them in train depot storage lockers, beneath drain pipes, or in the dark corners of abandoned factories.

“But within 30 minutes,” said the release.

“The NSA is deeply sorry for any inconvenience you might have experienced in our efforts to defeat terrorists and their organizations at home and abroad,” the release stated. “Customer satisfaction is our number one goal, although we cannot divulge to customers what we do, where we do it or who is harmed in the process.

“If you have questions or would like further details, expect our call as we know how to reach you.”

Asked about the program, a spokesman for Domino’s Pizza responded, “They’re doing what? When?”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(NEVADA) Now that CIA documents have confirmed the existence of Area 51, government employees there worry that their jobs are at risk, especially during this season’s critically-timed harvest of the Queen’s hybrid larvae.

“The expected increase in tourists to this ostensibly secret military facility will pose an enormous strain on our security budget. And I can’t just reassign staff willy-nilly. I’ll have nobody left to maintain the tri-chromium collectors, let alone the mesmeric hypno-phase inducers,” complained Area 51 Dark Cycle Supervisor S’Rin “Larry Johnson” b’Tll.

Area 51 government employees like “Larry” are concerned that declassified CIA documents might draw tourists, distract workers, and “complicate the Supreme Arachnoid’s stratagem.”

Area 51 government employees like “Larry” are concerned that declassified CIA documents might draw tourists, distract workers, and “complicate the Supreme Arachnoid’s stratagem.”

The recently declassified documents for the first time mention Area 51 by name and identify its longtime use as a military base to develop cutting-edge aircraft.

The documents clearly demystify the base’s long-held fiction as a cache for extraterrestrial artifacts and life forms. However, self-proclaimed “UFOlogists” will doubtless continue to question the meaning of unredacted phrases like “crippled spacecraft”, “ovoid, greyish heads”, “pawns in a galactic war”, and “Velcro”.

“Yes, we have a lot of circus folk employed here,” admitted “Johnson.” “But they’re hard workers and loyal Americans, every one!

“Why can’t we just be left alone to do our jobs, enjoy our families, and propagate and nurture our pupae in the moist, cave-like environs deep beneath your Earth.

“Of course, I mean ‘our Earth’”, he added.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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