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Posts Tagged ‘alien’

(WriteGoodTheNews wire service) Evidence of a ninth planet in the outer reaches of the solar system is further proof that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz is not a natural born American citizen, Donald Trump told Iowa supporters today.

“Look, I like the guy. I really do. I’m probably the only Earthling who does,” Trump said at a Cedar Rapids rally.

“I’m just saying, look! The guy comes from Canada, right? And space ships, they come from other places. Maybe Canada? I don’t know. And now scientists are saying they’ve discovered a whole new planet? And that’s another place, too.

“Look, I’m not saying that Ted has tentacles. But people are saying, ‘Hey, why’s he always wearing a jacket? What’s he hiding?’ Tentacles? I don’t know.”

Astronomers at the California Institute of Technology found evidence of the existence of a massive, icy planet beyond the orbit of Pluto, which they dubbed “Planet Nine” and Trump calls “Cruzanus.”

Bleak ninth planet appears covered with icy tundras, celestial debris, and candidate’s distinctive ear.

Bleak ninth planet appears covered with icy tundras, celestial debris, and candidate’s distinctive ear.

While researchers have carefully avoided political entanglements, they admit that the planet’s extreme distance from Earth and anomalous elliptical orbit would place it, like Cruz, well out of touch with most Americans.

Asked about Trump’s remarks, Sen. Cruz (R-Possibly TX) discounted the claim, calling them “unworthy of a response,” before spewing molecular acid in the face of the reporter.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(NEVADA) Now that CIA documents have confirmed the existence of Area 51, government employees there worry that their jobs are at risk, especially during this season’s critically-timed harvest of the Queen’s hybrid larvae.

“The expected increase in tourists to this ostensibly secret military facility will pose an enormous strain on our security budget. And I can’t just reassign staff willy-nilly. I’ll have nobody left to maintain the tri-chromium collectors, let alone the mesmeric hypno-phase inducers,” complained Area 51 Dark Cycle Supervisor S’Rin “Larry Johnson” b’Tll.

Area 51 government employees like “Larry” are concerned that declassified CIA documents might draw tourists, distract workers, and “complicate the Supreme Arachnoid’s stratagem.”

Area 51 government employees like “Larry” are concerned that declassified CIA documents might draw tourists, distract workers, and “complicate the Supreme Arachnoid’s stratagem.”

The recently declassified documents for the first time mention Area 51 by name and identify its longtime use as a military base to develop cutting-edge aircraft.

The documents clearly demystify the base’s long-held fiction as a cache for extraterrestrial artifacts and life forms. However, self-proclaimed “UFOlogists” will doubtless continue to question the meaning of unredacted phrases like “crippled spacecraft”, “ovoid, greyish heads”, “pawns in a galactic war”, and “Velcro”.

“Yes, we have a lot of circus folk employed here,” admitted “Johnson.” “But they’re hard workers and loyal Americans, every one!

“Why can’t we just be left alone to do our jobs, enjoy our families, and propagate and nurture our pupae in the moist, cave-like environs deep beneath your Earth.

“Of course, I mean ‘our Earth’”, he added.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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