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Posts Tagged ‘Area 51’

By Dave Jaffe

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA (WriteGood!TheNews wire service) — Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s first classified intelligence briefing has validated nearly every conspiracy theory ever, the candidate said today.

Speaking at a rally in North Carolina, Trump hinted that the briefing, traditionally given to presidential nominees, revealed shocking, long-held secrets, but he refused to discuss details.

“Obama? I thought he was born in another country,” said Trump. “Seems I was off by about 25,000 light years. Unbelievable!

“And crooked Hillary’s missing emails? I got news for you folks. There’s more hidden in Area 51 than alien corpses. Believe me!”

Claims of Area 51 ‘secrets’ were decried by Clinton supporter and Roswell Project director S’Rin “Larry” B’Tll. “Trump should just shut his big, fat primary reticulated ovipositor!”

Claims of Area 51 ‘secrets’ were decried by Clinton supporter and Roswell Project director S’Rin “Larry” B’Tll. “Trump should just shut his big, fat primary reticulated ovipositor!”

Among other top secrets the candidate mentioned:

• Putin from same alternative universe as bearded Spock
• No treasure map on back of U.S. Constitution
• Drones now building us
• The Mole People are benevolent, just worried
• Hydrox are Oreos
• Rosebud was the sled.

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will receive a similar briefing, although hers must be conducted at night, Trump learned.

“They know she’s a vampire. Totally undead. Totally!”

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Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(NEVADA) Now that CIA documents have confirmed the existence of Area 51, government employees there worry that their jobs are at risk, especially during this season’s critically-timed harvest of the Queen’s hybrid larvae.

“The expected increase in tourists to this ostensibly secret military facility will pose an enormous strain on our security budget. And I can’t just reassign staff willy-nilly. I’ll have nobody left to maintain the tri-chromium collectors, let alone the mesmeric hypno-phase inducers,” complained Area 51 Dark Cycle Supervisor S’Rin “Larry Johnson” b’Tll.

Area 51 government employees like “Larry” are concerned that declassified CIA documents might draw tourists, distract workers, and “complicate the Supreme Arachnoid’s stratagem.”

Area 51 government employees like “Larry” are concerned that declassified CIA documents might draw tourists, distract workers, and “complicate the Supreme Arachnoid’s stratagem.”

The recently declassified documents for the first time mention Area 51 by name and identify its longtime use as a military base to develop cutting-edge aircraft.

The documents clearly demystify the base’s long-held fiction as a cache for extraterrestrial artifacts and life forms. However, self-proclaimed “UFOlogists” will doubtless continue to question the meaning of unredacted phrases like “crippled spacecraft”, “ovoid, greyish heads”, “pawns in a galactic war”, and “Velcro”.

“Yes, we have a lot of circus folk employed here,” admitted “Johnson.” “But they’re hard workers and loyal Americans, every one!

“Why can’t we just be left alone to do our jobs, enjoy our families, and propagate and nurture our pupae in the moist, cave-like environs deep beneath your Earth.

“Of course, I mean ‘our Earth’”, he added.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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