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(WriteGoodTheNews wire service) Evidence of a ninth planet in the outer reaches of the solar system is further proof that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz is not a natural born American citizen, Donald Trump told Iowa supporters today.

“Look, I like the guy. I really do. I’m probably the only Earthling who does,” Trump said at a Cedar Rapids rally.

“I’m just saying, look! The guy comes from Canada, right? And space ships, they come from other places. Maybe Canada? I don’t know. And now scientists are saying they’ve discovered a whole new planet? And that’s another place, too.

“Look, I’m not saying that Ted has tentacles. But people are saying, ‘Hey, why’s he always wearing a jacket? What’s he hiding?’ Tentacles? I don’t know.”

Astronomers at the California Institute of Technology found evidence of the existence of a massive, icy planet beyond the orbit of Pluto, which they dubbed “Planet Nine” and Trump calls “Cruzanus.”

Bleak ninth planet appears covered with icy tundras, celestial debris, and candidate’s distinctive ear.

Bleak ninth planet appears covered with icy tundras, celestial debris, and candidate’s distinctive ear.

While researchers have carefully avoided political entanglements, they admit that the planet’s extreme distance from Earth and anomalous elliptical orbit would place it, like Cruz, well out of touch with most Americans.

Asked about Trump’s remarks, Sen. Cruz (R-Possibly TX) discounted the claim, calling them “unworthy of a response,” before spewing molecular acid in the face of the reporter.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) Hillary Clinton’s struggle to land a job ran into more difficulties this week when her old truck packed with all the family’s belongings “just gived out” near Monticello, Iowa.

“She’s still runnin’, just gotta dump some baggage,” explained Clinton spokesman Rocky Butane, quickly adding, “I mean the truck! Baggage from the truck!”

Jubilant, energized Hillary Clinton greets Dust Bowl refugees, withered crops, dead livestock as 2016 presidential campaign limps across Midwest.

Jubilant, energized Hillary Clinton greets Dust Bowl refugees, withered crops, dead livestock as 2016 presidential campaign limps across Midwest.

Last week, the former first lady, senator and secretary of state launched her latest attempt to find work – this time as president of the United States – with a long trek across a dust-choked, barren Iowa in an overloaded campaign panel truck referred to as the Hi-I’m-Hillary-and-I’m-Running-for-President-or-Bust Express.

“I’m hitting the road to earn your vote. Because it’s your time. And I hope you’ll join me on this journey,” Clinton told a group of five or six itinerant migrant workers huddled for warmth around a burning barrel beside the road. After chatting with Clinton, they helped fix her truck’s engine, then passed the hat, raising nearly $2 for her campaign. Clinton eagerly stuffed the bills into an empty coffee can on the dashboard.

“She’s plucky, I’ll give her that,” admitted one of the group. “But there ain’t no work ‘round here. No work, nowhere, I heared.

“Maybe in New Hampshire. But if she’s headed there, watch out for them Republican presidential hopefuls. Mean as a railroad dick. ‘Specially that little Rand Paul. He’s bat shit crazy!”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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