Posted in Humor, Sleeping Between Giants, tagged ASPCA, behavior, dogs, kennel, service, terrier, therapy, train, training on September 2, 2017| Leave a Comment »
An ambitious pooch aspires to be a therapy dog. Any advice?
Sure! Budleigh’s full of it.
Read Ask a Terrier: Budleigh Analyzes Therapy.
Hey, Budleigh yearns to straighten out your life! Ask him for advice here.
And subscribe to our litter-mate blog Sleeping between Giants for important updates and announcements – most of them peanut butter-related.
Posted in Sleeping Between Giants, tagged animal, ASPCA, breed, chew, christmas, gift, pets, puppy, terrier, toys on December 27, 2016| Leave a Comment »
If you, like Bob Cratchit, were making rather merry on Christmas day, you maybe missed this bit of cheer on my Sleeping between Giants blog.
Sleeping between Giants explores life, if you could call it that, with a terrier.
Go! Read! Subscribe!
Posted in Humor, Sleeping Between Giants, tagged ASPCA, breed, Democrat, dog, election, GOP, Hillary, Obama, park, political, politics, president, Republican, Sanders, Trump on June 14, 2016| 1 Comment »
By Dave Jaffe
When it comes to political campaigns, dogs pay no attention to the news media, except for Wolf Blitzer whose name, they complain, is misleading.
However, dogs are heavily influenced by their Giants. In recent weeks, pets’ political discussions at the local dog park have grown so snarling, biting, contradictory and tail-chasing as to be indistinguishable from Fox News.
At the dog park, political discussions inevitably reduce to pissing matches. But so does everything.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “…which is why I get a lot of knots, especially on my ears and neck, so that’s when I’ll bring her the comb, but sometimes she needs more than the comb because what I really need is a good brushing. So then I go get—ˮ
PUG: “The brush! Yeah, I get it! We all get it! Give it a rest!”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: (Ears and tail droop.) “My Giant says with Sanders, you won’t get to talk to me like that.”
PUG: “What’s ‘Sanders’?”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “He’s friend to the downtrodden, my Giant says.”
SCHNOODLE: “What’s ‘Downtrodden’?”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “It means when you’re pushed down. Like how my fur grows sometimes. That’s when I need to fetch—ˮ
PUG: “If he mentions that brush again, I’m gonna worry his haunch!”
SCHNOODLE: “What’s ‘Haunch’?”
TERRIER MUTT: “That’s who I’m for.”
PUG: “Who?”
TERRIER MUTT: “Haunch! My Giants say he’s gonna make America grape again!”
SCHNOODLE: “I’m hungry!”
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: “You mean Trump, not Haunch. My Giant—you know, the yell-y one?”
ALL: “We know!”
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: “Well, my Giant says Trump is gonna build a huge, beautiful wall. Not just one of those invisible fences. Boy, those spook me! Anyway, this wall’s gonna keep out certain…you know…breeds. (Nods at Chihuahua.) No offense meant.
CHIHUAHUA: “¡No hay problama!”
SHETLAND SHEEPDOG: “Maybe I’m for Sanders. My fur gets really downtrodden.”
GERMAN SHEPHERD: “You should be for Hillary. My Giant says lots of Giants are downtrodden and Hillary can bring them all together.”
SHETLAND SHEEPDOG: “Like herding? I’m good at herding.”
GERMAN SHEPHERD: “I guess.”
SHETLAND SHEEPDOG: “OK, then. Go Hillary!”
PUG: “We should take a poll!”
TERRIER MUTT: “A what, then?”
PUG: “That’s when the ear box rings during dinner but my Giants don’t answer because it’s ‘another damn poll!’ Then they yell about how ‘it’s none of their business who I support, and besides I hate them all!’ Then they give me a treat. And sometimes we take a walk.”
SCHNOODLE: “Polls sound great!”
TERRIER MUTT: “I’m for Hillary!”
GERMAN SHEPHERD: “Hillary.”
PUG: “OK! Sanders.”
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: “Trump.”
CHIHUAHUA: “¡No Hay Problema!”
SCHNOODLE: “Haunch!”
PUG: “There is no Haunch!”
SCHNOODLE: “Then who’s gonna make America grape again?”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Beats me! But I know we’re not supposed to eat grapes.”
###
This article is part of “Sleeping Between Giants”, an ongoing series featured on the Write Good!: The Blog blog.
Sleeping Between Giants explores life – if you can call it that – with a terrier.
Your feedback is welcome, probably. dj
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Posted in Humor, Sleeping Between Giants, tagged ASPCA, behavior, bones, chew, dog, humane, pets, puppy, rawhide, separation, shoe, teeth, terrier, toys on June 4, 2016| Leave a Comment »
By Dave Jaffe
Dogs and shoes can live together in harmony provided both are willing to compromise. To reach an accord, dogs have to be trained to respect shoes, while shoes must agree to limit all provocative missile test launches over disputed borders.
While seasoned diplomats attend to the latter, let’s explore the former.
Positive reinforcement training combines praise and treats to reward behavior, a method that has proved effective on canines and, to a lesser extent, millennials.
A testament to positive reinforcement is Jake, sent in by owner Debra R. Observe Jake (left) with a “stolen” shoe, and Jake (right) after six months of training. Note on the right his contrition, repentance, and smoldering regret. Also the smaller shoe. Well done, Jake!
Using positive reinforcement, for example, a dog would be compensated little by little for not engaging in inappropriate activities, a process trainers describes as “shaping” and law enforcement calls “extortion.”
GIANT 2: “Dave, Budleigh’s getting near your shoes!”
GIANT 1: “Good! Got the cookies ready?”
GIANT 2: “And the cheese bits. And the tuna.”
GIANT 1: “OK. Don’t react until he looks at me.”
BUDLEIGH: “Saaay, nice pair of loafers ya’ got here. Really nice! Too bad if something happened to ‘em. Know what I mean?”
BRISBY: “Yeah, Boss!”
BUDLEIGH: “Shaddup, you! Like I was sayin’, sad if something happened to them shoes. Or this house. Or maybe your family. That would be a damn shame, wouldn’t it?”
BRISBY: “Yeah, Boss!”
BUDLEIGH: “Shaddup, you!”
GIANT 1: “He’s looking at me! Give him a treat! Give him a treat!”
GIANT 2: “Gooooood Budleigh! Smart Budleigh!”
BUDLEIGH: “Thanks. Tasty! Very tasty! Sorta like, ya’ know, this genuine EYE-talian leather over here.”
GIANT 1: “Give him another! Give him another!”
GIANT 2: “Here, Budleigh! What a gooood dog!”
BUDLEIGH: “That’s better. You’re both good kids. We’re gonna get along just fine. So I’ll see you same time tomorrow, right?”
BRISBY: “Yeah, Boss!”
BUDLEIGH: “Shaddup, you!”
While positive reinforcement training is valuable in controlling shoe-chewing behavior and organized crime, also essential is to provide your dog a variety of chewing alternatives. Numerous products are available, some rugged and durable, others as vulnerable as a swimmer bleeding in shark-infested waters.
Whether made of hard rubber, nylon or plastic, no chew toy is indestructible, with the exception of those constructed of Indestructibilium™, an element lost when the planet Krypton exploded. Frequent inspection of such toys for excessive wear and sharp edges is mandatory. Those that are ragged or jagged should be taken away from the dog, easily done by distracting him with a pair of shoes.
Short, thick lengths of rope with heavy, intricate knots tied at either end are a favorite chew toy of dogs and sailors everywhere. Rope toys also serve as doggie dental floss, cleaning teeth of bits of hard rubber, nylon, plastic and Indestructibilium™.
Finally, rawhide chews made from cow or horse hides have long proved satisfying for dogs. The same is true of bully sticks, which are made from the pizzle or penis of a bull. Let me just repeat that last part. They’re made. From the pizzle. Or Penis. Of. A bull!
I thought it best to emphasis this before you and your dog picnic on a ranch near a corral enclosing a bull that seems, well, angrier than usual.
Next: Ask a terrier, if you think it will do any good.
###
This article is part of “Sleeping Between Giants“, an ongoing series featured on the Write Good!: The Blog blog.
Sleeping Between Giants explores life – if you can call it that – with a terrier.
Your feedback is welcome, probably. dj
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Posted in Humor, Sleeping Between Giants, tagged anxiety, ASPCA, bark, bones, boredom, chew, dog, dog proof, pet, puppy, shoe, sticks, teeth, toys, training on May 26, 2016| Leave a Comment »
By Dave Jaffe
Any dog serving prison time for chewing shoes will eagerly admit that socks served as a gateway drug. And that he’s a Good Boy!
Budleigh steals socks. That isn’t his fault. We Giants failed him. As did society. And the apparel industry. He no longer chews them as he did during his house-pet-in-training probationary apprenticeship. Just, ya’ know, sort of steals them. For the kicks, man! The thrill! School is for squares, daddio!
Unlike Budleigh, Brisby eschews socks and shoes in favor of his pile of bones. Oddly, we only bought him two of those, but Uncle Max has been missing for weeks. Hmmm…
That Budleigh has moved from indiscriminate vandal to cunning thief is a victory rooted in dedicated training and drastically lowered expectations. No champion sought here. Just a pet that will reliably follow these basic rules:
1. Don’t eat things that make you dead
2. Think before you bite me
3. Get off the everything
4. Rest and drink plenty of fluids
5. Vote
Unless your dog has strong political leanings, Rule 1 is probably the most important. Clearly, it’s the most important to veterinarians whose examination rooms display colorful posters of frolicking puppies and giggling children beneath the headline, “Six Common Household Items That Will Kill Your Dog. Also Everyone Who Knows Your Dog.”
Next to that hang posters featuring different dogs and children – survivors, presumably – that read, “Wait! Did We Mention These Four Other Items?” and “Oops! Just Remembered Two More. Sorry!”
Dire warnings like these worry pets, which leads to intense dog park discussions. Also, anxious chewing.
GERMAN SHEPHERD: “…and the next morning when they checked the car, there was a hook in the door!”
LABRADOR RETRIEVER: (Gently) “Maybe this is too scary for…you know…everyone. (Nods toward wide-eyed Maltese.) Say, how ‘bout that brushing? Isn’t brushing great?”
MALTESE: “Did they chew the hook?”
TERRIER MUTT: “You can’t chew hooks! Well, I can. But it would kill the rest of you.”
PUG: “Wait! You’ve chewed a hook?”
TERRIER MUTT: “Sure! Plenty of ‘em. I chewed one today after I threw up breakfast.”
LABRADOR RETRIEVER: “…’cause I’m really soft, but when she brushes me I get even softer. So then I bring her the brush – I can do that, you know – and she says I’m a Good—ˮ
MALTESE: “What about a brush? You ever chew a brush?”
TERRIER MUTT: “Yeah! Lots of times. And plenty more stuff when I was little.”
PUG: “And nobody stopped you?”
TERRIER MUTT: “Well, I was in a shelter.”
All go quiet for several minutes.
BERNESE MOUNTAIN DOG: “Once I chewed a mountain.”
PUG: “You did? A mountain?”
BERNESE MOUNTAIN DOG: “So I’ve been told.”
BULL DOG: “Anyone ever chew up one of those round things?”
GERMAN SHEPHERD: ‘Which round thing?”
BULL DOG: “Oh, you know. The round things where they yell at you, then get all worried and call that place with the scary posters? And then they rush you there in the car?”
GERMAN SHEPHERD: “The one with a hook in the door?”
Clearly, overcoming a dog’s passion to chew is no easy task. However, both dog and owner can enjoy measurable success through the application of some simple, safe and humane training tactics developed by the United States Navy SEAL Team Interrogation Unit.
Next: Positive reinforcement or “They made me a criminal!”
###
This article is part of “Sleeping Between Giants“, an ongoing series featured on the Write Good!: The Blog blog.
Sleeping Between Giants explores life – if you can call it that – with a terrier.
Your feedback is welcome, probably. dj
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Posted in Humor, Sleeping Between Giants, tagged anxiety, ASPCA, breed, chew, chewing, dog, dog proof, humane, pets, puppy, shoe, teeth, terrier, toys on May 17, 2016| 2 Comments »
By Dave Jaffe
Dogs use their teeth to explore the world much the way we use the Internet. A dog’s mouth and tongue serve as router and modem, while its excretory system works like Comcast.
Whether having teeth leads to chewing or chewing is the outcome of having teeth is a “chicken or the egg” paradox, although dogs will eat both so why are we even debating? Let’s instead focus on the reasons dogs chew my shoes and socks and, to a lesser extent, yours.
Chewing is a perfectly normal canine behavior. In fact, the word canine is Latin for “He ruined what?” Puppies and young dogs might chew to relieve teething pain. Older dogs chew to combat boredom, ease anxiety, or reduce frustration. Some chew simply as a way to prop up the international leather trade. Whatever the cause, to correct an inappropriate chewing behavior, the thoughtful canine owner must first ask, “He ruined what?”
Who chewed the shoes? Can you solve this Minute Mystery? For the answer, turn to page 159.
So, what is “inappropriate” for dogs to chew? This varies from dog to dog depending on their size, age, and the dietary restrictions of their religion. However, generally banned items include:
• Shoes, socks
• Children
• The military
• Another shoe and sock, damn it!
• (For large dogs) aircraft engine parts before, during flight
• (For small dogs) large dogs
• Six of the current associate justices of the Supreme Court
• Cash, bonds
• Oh, for God’s sake! Another shoe and sock?
Some dogs can quickly learn to avoid forbidden items with just a bit of guidance, a few treats, and an instructional PowerPoint presentation. However, most dogs know exactly what they’re doing when, say, they chew up $75.85 in uncashed checks, as was the case with our formerly alive terrier thing, Oxford.
Giant 2 still insists it was a coincidence that Oxford ravaged four checks taken from four locations over five weeks. It’s was all just paper to him, she says. He didn’t know any better. He was just a dog!
No, he was a terrier. Some dogs track explosives. Others uncover drug caches. Terriers foment crime. Of course Oxford knew that checks were valuable. Dogs have a surprisingly keen understanding of the Federal Reserve. Also their own sophisticated monetary system based on tennis balls. But Oxford wasn’t after the money. His was a mission to corrupt young Brisby, the schnoodle who can do no wrong.
OXFORD: “Hey, kid. C’mere!”
BRISBY: “But I’m on my way to church, Oxford.”
OXFORD: “Sure, sure. You want ta’ see something?”
BRISBY: “I’m supposed to light candles!”
OXFORD: “Yeah, that can wait. (Noses envelope off desk.) Ever see one of these?”
BRISBY: “Is it a cookie?”
OXFORD: “That’s right, a cookie. But you gotta open it, first. Go on, open it!”
BRISBY: “Okay, Oxford! What’s ‘open?’”
OXFORD: “Oh, for… Gimme that!” (He shreds.)
BRISBY: “I have to go now or I’ll miss hymn howling.”
OXFORD: “Too late, kid. You’re in this as deep as me.”
BRISBY: “Do I still get a cookie?”
Next: Wait! Weren’t we talking about shoes and socks?
###
This article is part of “Sleeping Between Giants“, an ongoing series featured on the Write Good!: The Blog blog.
Sleeping Between Giants explores life – if you can call it that – with a terrier.
Your feedback is welcome, probably. dj
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Posted in Humor, Sleeping Between Giants, tagged ASPCA, bath, bathe, breed, dog, drier, dry, dryer, groom, hair, humane, pets, puppy, terrier on April 26, 2016| Leave a Comment »
By Dave Jaffe
(Our feature on dog grooming tips that began with Best Practices for You, Your Dog, and Your Fingers and continued in Grooming Tips, Part 2: Bathing your Dog – The New Waterboarding concludes with this column. Unless I forgot something.)
Witty Physics would have us believe that drying a dog is the same as wetting a dog, only backwards, if you follow the math.
Apparently, Physics has never dried a dog. Or owned one. Or been on a date since 1990. So thanks anyway, Physics. We’ll take it from here.
Evolutionarily speaking, fur has proved an excellent material for encasing a dog – more resilient than scales, better protection than thorns, and vastly superior to a flour tortilla for retaining both meat and cheese.
However, dog fur also is capable of holding an enormous amount of water. This trait was well suited to prehistoric canines, which were aquatic. Sleek, gilled, and paddle-footed, these 80-feet-long behemoths swam the world’s primordial oceans retrieving primitive tennis balls the size of The Bean.
Eventually, as the great oceans cooled, aquatic Canine developed beyond gill and paddle crawling onto land in a desperate effort to find and bite me.
However they were still soaking wet.
Today’s modern canine retains most of that water. Add to that the moisture absorbed during a bath and the average medium-sized, soft-coated dog can serve effectively as an oil rig fire suppression system. Thus, knowing the Three Methods of Drying – air drying, towel drying, and blow drying – is as important to the citizen dog owner as understanding the three branches of government: the Executive, the Legislative, and the Santa Maria.
This “turban-style” fur drying technique is ideal for the harried dog that still needs to do makeup and nails before prom.
Also knowing your dog’s fears before selecting a drying technique can reduce his trauma and your arterial puncture wounds. Some dogs grow frightened if covered with towels. Others panic at loud noises like those of a hair dryer. And some, like our formerly alive terrier Oxford are terrified of flies.
I don’t know why flies troubled this efficient, little killing machine. He routinely knocked off rabbits, chipmunks, even a squirrel or two with the detached psychopathy of a professional hit man. But flies? Flies were the buzzing souls of those he’d murdered. So he hired Brisby for protection.
OXFORD: “That Yakuza contract on the chipmunk under the stoop? Considered it completed.”
BRISBY: “Should I be hearing this, Boss?”
OXFORD: “I’m gonna take a nap. Nobody wakes me. Capisce?”
BRISBY: “What’s ‘capisce?’ Can I eat it?”
OXFORD: “Shaddup! Listen! Your hear that…that buzzing? Like a little voice crying, ‘You killed me! And several dozen of my brothers and sisters, probably. And also peed on my burrow. Now I shall punish you with a sort of high-pitched, mildly annoying whine somewhere in your general vicinity. Forever!’ Ahhhhh! What is that thing?”
BRISBY: “A capisce? Can I eat it?”
Then Oxford would run upstairs to our bed where flies couldn’t find him and hide there until the end of summer. We rarely tried to bathe and dry him before the first killing frost.
Having mastered our fears, let’s explore the pros and cons of each drying method. Mostly cons.
Air Drying: Thrifty, Natural, Useless
Were it not for vice squads, who among us wouldn’t choose to dry off after a shower by running around the backyard au naturel and rolling in smelly stuff au poop?
Sadly, only dogs can get away with that. Also my Uncle Reggie, twice.
The efficacy of air drying depends, in part, on your dog’s ability to shake off water. According to an animal drying study out of Georgia Tech, (“Home of the Fightin’ Wet Malamutes”) a dog can shake approximately 70 percent of the water from its fur in four seconds. And even more if they have a good sense of humor and you’re standing really close.
Due to his type of coat and generally nurturing behavior, Brisby is not an ideal candidate for the air drying method. Budleigh’s demeanor, however, makes him a poor candidate for any process short of One Hour Martinizing.
GIANT 1: “Good, Brisby! All done bath. Now give us a biiiig shake!”
BRISBY: “You’re sure? Everyone’s sought shelter? There are enough lifeboats? OK, here we go.”
GIANT 1: “Good shake, Brisby!”
GIANT 2: “That’s it? But he’s still wet, Dave. Maybe wetter.”
GIANT 1: “Well, he’s not done. No, we’re not done are we, Brisby? We’re gonna shake, shake shake, my good boy!”
BRISBY: “Do you know what you’re asking? People could die! You need to get to high ground. Wait! I feel another tremor. It’s the big one!”
GIANT 1: “Awww, he’s adorable!”
GIANT 2: “But he’s just soaking the rug, Dave. I’ll go grab towels.”
BRISBY: “Yes, go! Save yourselves!”
In the very broadest terms Budleigh is likewise nurturing, if by “nurturing” we mean “possessed by Lovecraftian dark forces,” and by “air dry” we mean “unleashed on the innocent townspeople.”
GIANT 1: “Good, Budleigh! All done bath. Now give us a biiiig shake!”
BUDLEIGH: “I’m freeeeeee! I’m free, I’m free, I’m free! Get out of my way!”
GIANT 2: “Oh shit! Grab him, Dave!”
GIANT 1: “Grab him how? His collar’s in his mouth. That was our deal.”
BUDLEIGH: “I’m on your bed! Look! I’m on your beeeeed! Now I’m running my face on the carpet. I’m a racecar. Vroooooooom!”
GIANT 2: “Dave, he’s going to ruin the throw pillows. He’s out of control.”
GIANT 1: “C’mere, Budleigh! Who wants a cookie?”
BUDLEIGH: “Your cookies won’t help you! Your priests won’t help you. This house in mine!”
BRISBY: “He’s Satan! Burn him! Save yourselves! And the cookies!”
Towel Drying: The Soggier Alternative
Towels have been successfully employed to dry pets, as well as for other functions, since their creation in the late nineteenth century. The brainchild of inventor Jacob “Textiles” Towelie, the cloths were introduced with great fanfare at the 1893 Columbian Exposition as “Doctor Amazo’s Liquid Drinking Absorbmechanical Automata.”
At first accessible only to the wealthy, towels became more commonplace due to advances in manufacturing. By the 1990s most American homes could boast at least one towel.
Prior to then, dogs remained quite moist.
But fortune favors the bold, and soon a plucky American populous turned their towel to their wet dogs until, by the summer of 2013, this nation was buried beneath a pile of damp, dirty rags.
New dog owners think towel drying is simply a matter of draping a cloth over the wet animal, briskly rubbing her flanks, prying the towel from her jaws, grabbing a second towel while clutching a hind leg, rolling her back onto her feet, rolling her back the other way, hoisting her off the first towel and onto the second, massaging your stinging back spasm caused by hoisting her, ignoring the ringing cell phone, avoiding licks, avoiding bites, and finally dumping her onto a third towel, all the while assuring her that she’s a “smart girl” although, probably, she isn’t.
Towel drying is, of course, much trickier than that, so prepare accordingly:
1. Before bathing your pet, stack designated “doggie towels” nearby
2. Also stack nearby every other towel you own
3. Call your neighbors and borrow all their towels. Stack nearby
4. Bathe dog
5. Call back neighbors who didn’t answer. They own dogs and are hoarding stacks.
6. Carefully lift dog from sink or tub, removing excess water by twisting animal comically like a cartoon pooch. Repeat.
7. Call back Steve, the neighbor who borrowed your pruning shears. He owes you a big ol’ stack of towels, son of a bitch!
8. Set dog on floor and stand back while he shakes vigorously. Why did this come as a surprise? Have you not been reading?
9. Check dog’s undercoat for hidden towel stacks.
10. Say, how late is Target open? They sell stacks and stacks of towels!
The floorboards now groaning under a mass of linens, your drenched pup helplessly pinned between towers of cloth, the air choked with cotton lint, it’s time to begin the water extraction process by selecting a favorite dog-cleaning towel. Usually these are the ones that belonged to your ex or were a holiday gift from the company that laid you off. The ideal towel is one that you don’t mind—and even prefer—covered in excrement.
Start by draping a thick, absorbent towel over the wet animal. It should be soft and absorbent enough to soak up surface water, yet large enough so that your dog appears dressed in traditional Bedouin wedding garb.
Briskly but gently dry face and ears while monitoring your pet’s stress level. Some dogs exhibit anxiety if their heads are completely covered by a towel, while others, like Brisby, stand quietly awaiting the Rapture.
Budleigh doesn’t fit into either of these groups, or might if we were able to get a towel around him. This has proved a challenge that requires Giants One and Two to work in tandem like efficient fisherfolk attempting to net a fast-swimming school of herring armed with pocketknives.
GIANT 1: “He’s gonna break left, so get your towel ready. I’ll try to trick him to go right.”
GIANT 2: “He knows all your tricks, Dave. He’s going left.”
GIANT 1: “No, this time I’ll stand here with my towel behind my back and make a sound like the can opener. He’ll come right to me.”
GIANT 2: “You haven’t thought this through.”
BUDLEIGH: “I’ll just be going now!”
GIANT 1: “Really, I saw this on Animal Planet. Only instead of a terrier it was an immense migration of wildebeest. And instead of a can opener it was a raging, uncontained wild fire.
GIANT 2: “Perfect!”
BUDLEIGH: “I’m going that way. So, you know, good luck!”
GIANT 2: “Dave, we’ve got a runner!”
GIANT 1: “RRRrrrrr-RRRrrrr! Grind, grind! rrrrRRR-rrrRRR! Damn! Missed him!”
GIANT 2: “That’s your can opener, Dave? ‘Grind, grind?’”
GIANT 1: “Too nasal?”
BUDLEIGH: “I heard a wildebeest!”
Blow Drying, or Gone with the Wind
Who among us hasn’t washed their face in a public restroom, then groping blindly for the hand dryer, accidentally activated what appears to be the searing hot, thunderously loud exhaust of a Lockheed Martin F-22A fighter jet?
That’s how dogs perceive blow dryers.
Dogs tend to be leery of hair dryers, as they are of anything that requires thumbs. Getting your dog accustomed to loud noise like that produced by a dryer should be done in small stages. For example, monitor how he reacts when you pop open a can of beer. Did he remain calm? If so, drink your beer and think about that. Now move a little closer and pop open another. Still quiet? Hmmm…that’s worth some more thought. Continue this process until you’re tearfully telling your pet that he’s yer’ bes’…yer’ bes’ goddamn frien’ since your ex walked out leaving you with all those towels.
For many dogs, however, it is the dryer’s blowy-hotty functionality that is most distressing. Best to set the dryer on low heat and low blow-outyness, then move it quickly back and forth across the animal’s coat avoiding the face and paws.
Oh, and Brisby would also like to suggest that before you get to him, go right ahead and blow dry all the other dogs everywhere in the world. He’ll wait.
Budleigh, however, absolutely adores the blow dryer and hopes to marry one, pending a favorable ruling by the Supreme Court of the United States. This might be a trait common to terrier mutts. Oxford, our formerly alive terrier thing, would demand to be blow dried even when he wasn’t wet.
Oxford never feared the dryer, possibly because he’d grown so accustomed to it being used on Brisby, who was bathed often. Young Brisby was an easily distracted dog, often following butterflies through whatever patch of filth and muck they flew over. The butterflies thought he was hoot! He paid the price in baths.
Wet Oxford enjoyed a blow dry like an old Russian Jew relishes a good sauna schvitz. He’d sit contentedly in Giant Two’s lap, eyes half-lidded, wiry-haired chest thrust out, and lean into the air stream, sighing, “Such a day, I’ve had. Don’t ask!”
Even when dry, Oxford sought the wind and warmth, urgently nosing ahead of wet Brisby to grab the barber chair.
“Sorry, guy! Big client presentation today,” he’d claim. “Just need a little off the top, then I’m outta here!”
Though not as obsessed as Oxford, Budleigh is not nearly so resigned as Brisby. He sees this activity as a means to an end. The means is the hair dryer; the end is having the world’s entire population committed to making him feel good.
BUDLEIGH: “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon! Plug the thing in the thing! Get to work!”
GIANT 1: “He’s so excited, hon. What a little cutie. OW!”
BUDLEIGH: “That’s your only warning. Don’t talk. Dry!”
GIANT 2: “Did he nip you again, Dave?”
GIANT 1: “A little. Think he’s afraid of the blow dryer? Does he seem anxious?”
GIANT 2: “Maybe we should just hand dry him.”
GIANT 1: “Do we have enough towels? I could call Steve. He has stacks and stacks, that son of a bitch!”
BUDLEIGH: “No, no, no, no! It’s all good! See? I’m on my back doing that funny thing with the paws.”
GIANT 2: “Oh, look at him on his back doing that funny thing with his paws.”
BUDLEIGH: “I’m adorable!”
GIANT 1: “He’s adorable!”
BUDLEIGH: “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”
GIANTS 1 & 2: “ʻThese aren’t the droids we’re looking for.ʼ”
GIANT 1: “Here we go, Budleigh. Gooood Budleigh! Don’t be scared of the big noise.”
BUDLEIGH: “Ahhh…. Feels so good! Sounds like the can opener.”
GIANT 2: “Now we do your tummy. Next, your sides and back. Yeah, that feels so good, doesn’t it?”
BUDLEIGH: “Such a day, I’ve had!”
GIANT 2: “Hon, while I finish him will you get Brisby ready?”
BRISBY: “Look, if you’re not going to towel dry me, I’ll be next door at Steve’s, that son of a bitch!”
###
This article is part of “Sleeping Between Giants“, a new series of columns on the Write Good!: The Blog blog.
Sleeping Between Giants explores life – if you can call it that – with a terrier.
Your feedback is welcome, probably. dj
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Posted in Humor, Sleeping Between Giants, tagged animal, ASPCA, bath, breed, brush, clean, coat, dog, fur, groom, hair, puppy, shampoo, smell, terrier, wash on March 16, 2016| 2 Comments »
By Dave Jaffe
(Continuing Grooming Tips: Best Practices for You, Your Dog, and Your Fingers, we now move on to shampooing, Lord help us! dj)
Understanding the challenges of bath time, the pet care industry has developed an array of shampoo products that ease the torment faced by your dog and the unpaid college intern you’ve assigned to the task. The most appropriate soap should be one formulated to lather well while convincing your dog that he’s done nothing wrong.
The industry trend is away from products fortified with unnecessary additives and a return to a more natural bathing experience. “Natural”, of course, does not mean primitive, such as the pet-grooming customs practiced by America’s early settlers. A strict, taciturn people, they bathed their equally strict, taciturn dogs by heaving them in the river, then slamming them on rocks until dry. (Historical note: This gave rise to the once popular expression, “As worthless as a hound heaved in the river and slammed with rocks. Prithee!”)
Today’s fur care products are rich in healthful emollients beneficial for a dog’s sensitive skin. Unnecessary additives have been removed from most shampoos, which are now marketed as “Fragrance Free for Twice that Wet Dog Smell!” Liberal applications during bathing result in a coat that is lustrously moisturized, as well as strict and taciturn.
And because canine coats vary widely, a range of shampoos specifically formulated for different fur textures are available – from soft-coated like an English sheepdog, to thick-, rough-, heavy-coated like an English sheepdog wearing a thick, rough, heavy coat. Possibly tweed.
Bathing tip: Use enough shampoo so that when rinsed, your dog has become an entirely different breed.
Faced, then, with such a variety of products, how does the conscientious pet owner make an informed choice?
While professional groomers, veterinarians, and my therapist might disagree, I base my selection exclusively on the dog that’s pictured on the label.
Many consumers are drawn to product labels that feature a widely smiling dog. That is a mistake. Dogs don’t really smile. And certainly not as though they’re eager contestants in the evening gown competition. A dog’s smile can mean many things: “I am submissive” or “I am aggressive,” or “Wow! Look what I threw up!”
Rarely does it mean, “Rub detergent in my eyes!” Do not be influenced by the smile.
Likewise, avoid labels that feature a cartoon canine, even those dressed in evening wear. Why, we wonder, couldn’t the marketing department come up with a real dog? Is there a problem with the shampoo? Did none survive clinical trials? Shouldn’t that be on the label?: “May cause melting.” If so, that’s a concern.
What I look for on a shampoo label is a picture of a real dog that is clearly insane – the canine equivalent of Nicholson through the door with an ax; an arch villain the Batman locked away in Arkham; a Packers fan in a Chicago bar. This is the proof I need that the product can successfully be applied to the most dangerous, criminally insane.
Like Budleigh, who has been standing in the sink, wet and shivering, for quite a few paragraphs.
On paper, lathering a wet dog seems a pretty straight-forward process. Liberally apply shampoo to the body, then using the fingers you like least, massage shampoo into the fur, beginning at the neck, and moving downward toward the “business end” of the dog.
A note about this “business end.” As all dog owners know, canines lick themselves – an entirely natural, self-cleaning behavior that veterinarians refer to as “disgusting”, although probably not in the waiting room. The causes of excessive licking can be behavioral or medical, so scrutiny by a vet is a good idea.
Saint Brisby, our gentle, obedient schnoodle, sometimes licks his business end with the attention of someone doing a particularly difficult crossword puzzle. After an examination, our vet explained that Brisby’s business-end glands were impacted, a common occurrence in dogs, which could be relieved by moving him to the more expensive business-end glands de-impactor room in back.
If you know nothing about impacted dog business-end glands, trust me, it is well worth the price to have the problem remedied by a professional who also takes the time to explain the process while you stuff your fingers deep in your ears and loudly sing Battle Hymn of the Republic until he’s left the room.
Fortunately, Budleigh isn’t suffering from this or any other malady except for being a terrier, so The Lathering can begin. Provided all parties can agree on the removal of his collar.
Budleigh, readers might recall, has a “thing” about his collar. He prefers to keep it close much the way a sailor knocked overboard into shark-infested waters during a storm at night likes to keep his life jacket close.
Like many sovereign nations, the Republic of Budleigh stubbornly resists interference with his collar by foreign influences except during periods of civil unrest and bath time. However, thanks to an accord reached through marathon negotiations between me, Budleigh, and the International Atomic Energy Commission, access will be granted provided that specific protocols are followed:
1. Budleigh, and all contiguous territories know as Budleigh, will be referred to as “A Good Dog!” And in certain cases, “A Very, Very Good Dog!”
2. No yelling.
3. In exchange for safe passage, foreign diplomats will present a cookie to those regions of the Republic of Budleigh designated as his mouth.
4. While the Republic of Budleigh is distracted, the collar may be removed.
5. The collar will then be presented to Budleigh who will hold it securely between his teeth until the universe ends or it is returned to his neck.
6. Processing of all fissionable materials will cease immediately.
So now, with collar safely in Budleigh’s death grip, fur fully saturated, a fresh bottle of Psycho Pup™ Shampoo and Conditioner at the ready, and Brisby standing by to lend his “support”, we are, at last, prepared to lather up!
GIANT 1: “Who’s ready for his bath? Budleigh’s ready for his bath!”
BUDLEIGH: “I need to see your visa.”
GIANT 1: “What a Good Dog! I’m just going to unhook your collar—”
BUDLEIGH: “Unhand that symbol of my people’s oppression! Guards! Guards!”
BRISBY: “Yes, well, I’m just going to head upstairs to meet with the Security Council under the bed in the dark behind the duvet.”
BUDLEIGH: “But he’s removing my emblem of office, yet has offered me nothing!”
BRISBY: “You have my compete support!”
GIANT 1: “Budleigh’s a Very, Very Good Dog!”
BUDLEIGH: “Don’t touch that! Do our laws, our history, our fissionable materials mean nothing to you? Well, we will fight. Oh yes, fight you to the very gates of our mouth! And when one tooth falls, 10 shall spring up in its place! And rivers of patriots’ blood will—”
GIANT 1: “Who wants a cookie?”
BUDLEIGH: “I love you!”
GIANT 1: “Now hold your collar while I soap you up. Ohhhh, so clean and beautiful! Doesn’t that feel good?”
BUDLEIGH: (Dreamily) “Fissionable materials…”
GIANT 1: “Oh, yes you are! So Very, Very Good! Now we rinse. Aaaand you’re done! That wasn’t so bad.”
GIANT 2: (Carrying Brisby) “Look who I found upstairs under the bed in the dark wrapped in our duvet.”
BUDLEIGH: “Traitor!”
GIANT 1: “Perfect timing. Dump him in.”
BRISBY: “Unhand me, you filthy dogs! I am the Prime Minister of The United Brisby Emirates!”
###
Next post: The Drying Game
###
This article is part of “Sleeping Between Giants“, a new series of columns on the Write Good!: The Blog blog.
Sleeping Between Giants explores life – if you can call it that – with a terrier.
Your feedback is welcome, probably. dj
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Posted in Humor, Sleeping Between Giants, tagged animal, ASPCA, bath, breed, brush, care, clean, clip, coat, dog, fur, groom, hair, pets, puppy, shed, smell, terrier, wash on March 6, 2016| Leave a Comment »
By Dave Jaffe
Anyone who has safely landed a powered aircraft in severe weather without the benefit of instrumentation, aircrew or their vision has all the skills needed to successfully groom a dog.
Proper grooming provides numerous benefits for your pet beyond good health. A lustrous coat, healthy gums, and skin free of tics and dirt has catapulted many dogs into high-paying jobs as television news anchors. It’s commonly acknowledged that multi-talented journalist George Stephanopoulos began his broadcast career as a matted border collie.
Yet, many dogs balk when it comes to bathing, brushing, nail clipping or cleaning between the facial folds of certain breeds. And by the way, somebody really needs to come up with a name for that last bit because I never again want to write “cleaning between the facial folds.”
Regardless of size, breed or temperament, all dogs have their own idiosyncratic responses to being groomed, most of which involve biting me. Our formerly alive terrier, Oxford, seemed convinced that biting me was part of the grooming process. Even if someone else groomed him and I was out of town.
GIANT 1: “Hi, family! I’m home from Cleveland.”
GIANT 2: “Oh Dave! I missed you!”
LI’L GIANTS 1.1 and 1.2: “Daddy! What’ja bring us?”
OXFORD: “Look! I’m clean! (CHOMP!)
Grooming needn’t be traumatic for your pet. With just a bit of forethought, the proper supplies, and a few practical techniques, you can enhance your dog’s grooming experience and reduce the risk he’ll bite me.
Bathing Tip: Is your sink the right size for your dog? Not if his paws are in the garbage disposal. (Music swells) The More you Know….
Bathing: Nature’s way of convincing dogs we hate them
The web site of the ASPCS – an acronym for North American Free Trade Agreement –“recommends bathing your dog at least once every three months.”
From this wording, it’s not clear whether the ASPCA is offering to bath your dog once every three months, but God, let’s hope so!
The sentence goes on to note – and yes, we’re still working on that same sentence, so go get yourself coffee and a maybe a danish – that “some [dogs] may require more frequent baths if he or she spends a lot of time outdoors or has skin problems.”
This would seem to encompass a group of dogs that includes all dogs, which, if the ASPCA makes good on their promise to wash everyone’s pup, might severely tax their resources.
How often you bathe your dog is, of course, a personal and deeply religious matter between you, your dog, and your God, and your dog’s God. Wisely, the ASPCA and many other pet advice web sites offer dog owners a series of “how to” steps that are both helpful and non-sectarian.
Begin by giving your dog a good brushing to remove dead hair, mats, loose change, smaller dogs, and other debris. What constitutes a “good brushing” is open to interpretation and is much debated between breeds during their conclaves at dog parks.
LABRADOR RETRIEVER: “I like being brushed! He lets me get the comb. Then he lets me get the brush. And sometimes I bring him the comb AND the brush, ‘cause I can do that! And I bring him the ball. Then I bring him the ball again. And then again. And I—ˮ
PUG: “Why is your breed popular? I just don’t get it. Am I missing something?”
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Well now, he raises a good point. And so do you. So does everyone. I love you all. I’m a good boy!”
TERRIER MUTT: “Gimme that!”
PUG: “What?”
TERRIER MUTT: “I don’t know. But if you have anything, give it to me! Now!”
LABRADOR RETRIEVER: “—but I can’t bring the ball AND the comb AND the brush. So I leave the comb, but I bring the bush. Then I go get the ball, but he really wants the brush. So I—ˮ
TERRIER MUTT: “Shut up! Shut UP! Gimme the thing! And the other thing! And all your other things! Now! Gimme NOW!”
PUG: (To water spaniel) “What is his problem? Is he here every day?”
WATER SPANIEL: “You think it’s gonna rain? Looks like rain. Boy, I hope it rains.”
After brushing, put your dog in a sink or tub filled with about three-to-four inches of lukewarm water. Then depending on the animal’s bulk, wet it down using a hand sprayer, large plastic pitcher, or appropriately-sized piece of firefighting apparatus.
It is often at this stage that your dog will bite me. This is not their fault. It’s just the way that their brains are wired. Dogs in a bath are much like rock concert attendees who got their hands on some bad shit. They are alternately euphoric and paranoid. Take, for example, the typical bathing experience of our terrier thing, Budleigh.
GIANT 1: (To Budleigh, standing calmly in the sink.) “What a good Budleigh! Isn’t this nice and warm? Best boy!”
BUDLEIGH: “It’s all so beautiful, man! All the light…”
GIANT 1: “That’s right. Nice and calm. Now we’re just going to spray your coat.”
BUDLEIGH: “I can taste the colors. I’m floating … floating on a soft cloud of—Holy Shit! What is that thing?”
GIANT 1: “It’s ok. Just the hand sprayer—”
BUDLEIGH: “It’s a demon! A deeemoooon! It’s gonna swallow the world!”
GIANT 1: “Ow! Shhhh… It’s ok. You’re ok. Doesn’t that feel nice and toasty warm?”
BUDLEIGH: “I love you! I’m floating. Paul is the Walrus!”
GIANT 1: “Good Budleigh! Nice Budleigh. Gentle Budleigh. Ow! You son of a bitch!”
BUDLEIGH: “Oh, you’re real? My mistake.”
Shampoo is now applied, and if your dog wasn’t in a good mood before, life’s not about to improve.
###
Next post: The Lathering
###
This article is part of “Sleeping Between Giants”, a new series of columns on the Write Good!: The Blog blog.
Sleeping Between Giants explores life – if you can call it that – with a terrier.
Your feedback is welcome, probably. dj
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Posted in Humor, Sleeping Between Giants, tagged adoption, animal, ASPCA, black dog, color, dog, fur, humane, no-kill, puppy, shelter, superstitious, terrier on December 18, 2015| Leave a Comment »
By Dave Jaffe
Black dogs tend to be passed over for adoption because they are associated with evil. Yet studies have proved that relatively few actively worship Satan.
This Black Dog Syndrome, as it’s known to its advocates, would have black-furred shelter dogs adopted less quickly than lighter colored ones. Despite strong anecdotal evidence from animal shelters that this stigma is real, Science has yet to be convinced.
“Controlled tests need to be conducted,” insists Science in that high-pitched, nasaly voice that makes you want to push its head in the toilet. “If it can’t be measured, then I can’t build an app and make money. And this research crap is killin’ me! You know how old my car is?”
Yes sir, right down deep in the toilet!
At the root of this supposed phenomenon is a diversity of conflicting explanations; Black dogs are shunned by the superstitious. Films and television portray them as vicious. A black dog killed my parents.
Watching, waiting, plotting, Budleigh knows that eventually…eventually we have to sleep.
However, just as compelling is evidence that suggests coat color is only a minor consideration of dog adopters. Shelter dogs are adopted in nearly equal numbers whether their coats are black, light, brindle or, as in one study, transparent – that from a survey group which “thought it would be cool to watch blood circulate.” NOTE: Those last results were never replicated and that group was hurriedly ushered from the test facility, their names forwarded to the National Security Administration.
So how does one know if a black dog would be a good choice? To determine that, let us leave the realm of the analytic and focus our attention on an area of study I call “me”.
Last year when we first met Budleigh, our vicious, Satan-worshipping, parent-killing terrier thing, I was unaware of the stigma surrounding black dogs. Kelly, the lovely lady who runs the homeless animal shelter, praised this smart, social little fellow while he vibrated around the room, occasionally passing through solid objects. During our conversation Kelly mentioned that such dogs as Budleigh can be difficult to place. I asked why.
“Well first, because he’s black.”
“Ah HAH!” I snapped, nodding with Anderson Cooper clarity. “Isn’t that just typical of The Man?”
“Sorry?” said Kelly, puzzled.
“Well, it’s just like Ferguson. And Selma.”
“Oh…heh!” Cautiously, Kelly edged herself between me and Budleigh.
I felt the conversation coming unmoored, and tried to clarify without actually explaining.
“I mean, you see it in the news, right? People protesting. And they should! Not just on CNN. I watch all the coverage, of course. Because I’m fair. Oh, and balanced! Very, very balanced.”
I was like a man at a dinner party who confidently leaps into a debate on gun control, or religious persecution, or why Donald Trump’s a dick only to realize, late, that the topic is Justin Bieber.
And from Kelly’s tight but polite smile I suspected that I wasn’t getting a dog of any color.
“Anyway, my point is that he’s a very, very talent singer, but troubled,” I concluded. “Soooo…back to dogs.”
“Yes,” she said. “I was saying that black dogs aren’t as popular as the light ones. Also this little guy’s a terrier. And they’re a handful.”
“A terrier?” I gushed. “I love terriers! Terriers are wonderful!”
Some of my best friends are terriers! For God’s sake, mouth, don’t say it! Don’t!
“I’ll take him, Kelly. Wrap ‘em up!”
There are many advantages of a black terrier, none of which benefit their owner.
Chief among a terrier’s assets is stealth, just after teeth, speed, cunning, intelligence, stubbornness, and what passes for “adorable”. So stealthy is this breed that, according to the US Department of Homeland Security, every American is under constant covert scrutiny by as many as 17 terriers, all hoping their subject will turn into a rabbit.
Our formerly alive terrier Oxford, Budleigh’s predecessor, used stealth the way a seascape painter works with blue. He would shimmer into a room, take on the color of his surroundings, and sit quietly for weeks until I set down my toast. Then he’d evaporate, along with the toast and my fingers up to the knuckle.
Budleigh’s black fur renders him a far more effective operative. He’s all but invisible in photographs. Shot against a black attaché, the viewer sees only a black attaché with delightful little white paws. With eyes closed, his head becomes a featureless black ovoid much like the acid-spewing Alien, only with more teeth. Walking him at night, I hold a leash attached to a murky darkness that pees a lot.
Budleigh is Dracula. And his Prince of Darkness shtick is really pissing off the townspeople.
GIANT TOWNSPERSON 1: “Hon, I can’t find Budleigh. Have you seen him anywhere?”
BUDLEIGH: “Hi!”
GIANT TOWNSPERSON 2: “No, but I’ve been here folding laundry. Is he under the bed?”
GIANT TOWNSPERSON 1: “Hard to say. It’s dark as a Chilean mine. Budleigh! Budleigh boy!”
BUDLEIGH: “Am I under there?”
GIANT TOWNSPERSON 1: “I can’t see him. Torches! We need torches!”
GIANT TOWNSPERSON 2: “Or maybe just a flashlight and peanut butter?”
GIANT TOWNSPERSON 1: “And crosses!”
BUDLEIGH: “Can you see me? I can see you!”
GIANT TOWNSPERSON 1: “OK, he’s not under the bed. And he’s not outside and he’s not shut in any rooms. So where….?”
GIANT TOWNSPERSON 2: “Dave, is that pile of black yoga pants wagging.”
GIANT TOWNSPERSON 1: “Budleigh! Has he been lying here all this time?”
BUDLEIGH: “I could have taken your toast! Also your fingers up to the knuckle.”
###
Where’s Waldog?? There he is!
Got some extra holiday money burning a hole in your pocket? Make a donation to the wonderful folks at Tails of Hope, a no-kill, non-profit animal rescue and adoption organization, and Budleigh’s alma mater.
This article is part of “Sleeping Between Giants”, a new series of columns on the Write Good!: The Blog blog.
Sleeping Between Giants explores life – if you can call it that – with a terrier.
Your feedback is welcome, probably. dj
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Write Good!: The Blog 