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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – The public’s unfounded safety concerns over genetically engineered foods might result in higher costs in the grocery store, as well as a potentially catastrophic battle between the forces of good and evil.

A powerful grass-roots movement is fueling legislation that could soon require companies to disclose on food labels if products contain GMOs, or Gigantic Mothra-like Organisms.

The food industry is pouring millions of dollars into lobbying efforts to defeat GMO food labeling bills. Educating a misinformed public about the benefits of genetically engineered products has become the voluntary responsibility of farmers, scientists, and those people who have gained preternatural powers through freakish accidents.

“Benefits? Do I even need to list them?” Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro, told attendees at a recent joint 4-H/Atomic Energy Commission meeting. “Why bother when I can simply project my thoughts directly into your weak, homo sapien minds?”

<em>Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, explains the benefits of GMOs and orders us to obey. Obey!</em>

Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, explains the benefits of GMOs and orders us to obey. Obey!


According to Toynbee’s mind-cast, GMOs have had genetic material altered to produce a desirable trait. Examples include insect-resistant corn, nutritionally enriched grains, and half-cow, half-human hybrids that produce milk and can announce their “sell by” date.

Critics of mandatory labeling warn of increased food handling costs as growers and grocers struggle to implement radiation protocols, outfit employees with containment suits, and fortify shelves with lead shielding.

However, Vermont’s recent enactment of the nation’s first genetically modified food labeling law has been well received by local residents. Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin also welcomed the legislation provided it doesn’t hinder his state’s ongoing development of a bulletproof maple syrup.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report

(WASHINGTON) In eleventh hour negotiations to steer clear of the looming “fiscal cliff”, congressional leaders are seeking advice from the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote – experts in similarly cartoonish precipice-related crises.

So far, calling on the risk management skills of misters Runner and Coyote is the only negotiation strategy that has received bipartisan support, admitted a solemn President Obama at an early Monday news conference held, uncharacteristically, in front of a huge, dark tunnel painted on a rock wall.

“Road Runner is particularly adroit at avoiding cliffs” said the president. “And Wile E. Coyote brings to the table a wealth of experience with crash landings – much like House Speaker Boehner,” he added before his remarks were drowned out by the horn of a locomotive approaching from behind.

Congressional leaders seek advice from fellow cartoon character.

Congressional leaders seek advice from fellow cartoon character.


Congressional leaders are well familiar with the potentially drastic results of falling off the fiscal cliff, noted a clearly frustrated Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

“We’re facing major tax increases, automatic spending cuts, a freeze in unemployment benefits, and a proliferation of those little exploding model airplanes that keep landing on Wile E. Coyote and blowing up,” said McConnell. “God, I loved that cartoon!”

A failure by lawmakers to reach agreement by midnight tonight could threaten an already fragile economy, but will have a severe and adverse effect on every American, with the exception of workers at Acme factories nationwide.

Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.
This story is courtesy of Write Good!: The News – “All the story, plus lies!

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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