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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – Elated over the Republican sweep in the midterm elections, Sen. Mitch McConnell vowed that reconciliation with Democrats is assured provided that “they, and all Americans, follow my instructions.”

“To the letter!” emphasized McConnell during a news conference held at the rubble-strewn site of what was once the Lincoln Memorial. That national monument was razed in the early hours following Tuesday’s election returns in order to “make a statement”, according to a brief news release from the Republican National Committee.

The terse announcement read in full, “We have destroyed the Lincoln Memorial to make a statement.” The release was unsigned except for a burning skull.

GOP leaders greet new senators: Republicans in red battle skirts, Democrats in blue.

GOP leaders greet new senators: Republicans in red battle skirts, Democrats in blue.

McConnell, who will be promoted to majority leader as a result of last Tuesday’s elections, brushed off reporters insistent questions with a casual, “Seize them!” Security personal, uncharacteristically dressed in Roman legionnaire regalia, quickly cleared the room, except for a Fox News journalist.

Republicans have been quick to voice their willingness to reach accord with President Obama on a range of legislative and policy issues. However, they are already refining their agenda with new items that might prove contentious, including:

• Americans must regurgitate all medications taken since the Affordable Care Act became law.
• Strengthen US-Mexico border with a fence made of illegal immigrants glued together.
• Nuke yet-to-be-identified bastards back to the Stone Age.
• Obey Koch Industries.
• Cancel Christmas.
• Kneel before Zod!

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report

(WASHINGTON) In eleventh hour negotiations to steer clear of the looming “fiscal cliff”, congressional leaders are seeking advice from the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote – experts in similarly cartoonish precipice-related crises.

So far, calling on the risk management skills of misters Runner and Coyote is the only negotiation strategy that has received bipartisan support, admitted a solemn President Obama at an early Monday news conference held, uncharacteristically, in front of a huge, dark tunnel painted on a rock wall.

“Road Runner is particularly adroit at avoiding cliffs” said the president. “And Wile E. Coyote brings to the table a wealth of experience with crash landings – much like House Speaker Boehner,” he added before his remarks were drowned out by the horn of a locomotive approaching from behind.

Congressional leaders seek advice from fellow cartoon character.

Congressional leaders seek advice from fellow cartoon character.


Congressional leaders are well familiar with the potentially drastic results of falling off the fiscal cliff, noted a clearly frustrated Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

“We’re facing major tax increases, automatic spending cuts, a freeze in unemployment benefits, and a proliferation of those little exploding model airplanes that keep landing on Wile E. Coyote and blowing up,” said McConnell. “God, I loved that cartoon!”

A failure by lawmakers to reach agreement by midnight tonight could threaten an already fragile economy, but will have a severe and adverse effect on every American, with the exception of workers at Acme factories nationwide.

Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.
This story is courtesy of Write Good!: The News – “All the story, plus lies!

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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