Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘election’

By Dave Jaffe

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA (WriteGood!TheNews wire service) — Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s first classified intelligence briefing has validated nearly every conspiracy theory ever, the candidate said today.

Speaking at a rally in North Carolina, Trump hinted that the briefing, traditionally given to presidential nominees, revealed shocking, long-held secrets, but he refused to discuss details.

“Obama? I thought he was born in another country,” said Trump. “Seems I was off by about 25,000 light years. Unbelievable!

“And crooked Hillary’s missing emails? I got news for you folks. There’s more hidden in Area 51 than alien corpses. Believe me!”

Claims of Area 51 ‘secrets’ were decried by Clinton supporter and Roswell Project director S’Rin “Larry” B’Tll. “Trump should just shut his big, fat primary reticulated ovipositor!”

Claims of Area 51 ‘secrets’ were decried by Clinton supporter and Roswell Project director S’Rin “Larry” B’Tll. “Trump should just shut his big, fat primary reticulated ovipositor!”

Among other top secrets the candidate mentioned:

• Putin from same alternative universe as bearded Spock
• No treasure map on back of U.S. Constitution
• Drones now building us
• The Mole People are benevolent, just worried
• Hydrox are Oreos
• Rosebud was the sled.

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton will receive a similar briefing, although hers must be conducted at night, Trump learned.

“They know she’s a vampire. Totally undead. Totally!”

###

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

FINAL-FINAL-But-what-can-one-dog-do

This strip is part of “Sleeping Between Giants“, an ongoing series featured on the Write Good!: The Blog blog.

Sleeping Between Giants explores life – if you can call it that – with a terrier.

Your feedback is welcome, probably. dj

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

By Dave Jaffe

When it comes to political campaigns, dogs pay no attention to the news media, except for Wolf Blitzer whose name, they complain, is misleading.

However, dogs are heavily influenced by their Giants. In recent weeks, pets’ political discussions at the local dog park have grown so snarling, biting, contradictory and tail-chasing as to be indistinguishable from Fox News.

At the dog park, political discussions inevitably reduce to pissing matches. But so does everything.

At the dog park, political discussions inevitably reduce to pissing matches. But so does everything.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “…which is why I get a lot of knots, especially on my ears and neck, so that’s when I’ll bring her the comb, but sometimes she needs more than the comb because what I really need is a good brushing. So then I go get—ˮ

PUG: “The brush! Yeah, I get it! We all get it! Give it a rest!”

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: (Ears and tail droop.) “My Giant says with Sanders, you won’t get to talk to me like that.”

PUG: “What’s ‘Sanders’?”

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “He’s friend to the downtrodden, my Giant says.”

SCHNOODLE: “What’s ‘Downtrodden’?”

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “It means when you’re pushed down. Like how my fur grows sometimes. That’s when I need to fetch—ˮ

PUG: “If he mentions that brush again, I’m gonna worry his haunch!”

SCHNOODLE: “What’s ‘Haunch’?”

TERRIER MUTT: “That’s who I’m for.”

PUG: “Who?”

TERRIER MUTT: “Haunch! My Giants say he’s gonna make America grape again!”

SCHNOODLE: “I’m hungry!”

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: “You mean Trump, not Haunch. My Giant—you know, the yell-y one?”

ALL: “We know!”

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: “Well, my Giant says Trump is gonna build a huge, beautiful wall. Not just one of those invisible fences. Boy, those spook me! Anyway, this wall’s gonna keep out certain…you know…breeds. (Nods at Chihuahua.) No offense meant.

CHIHUAHUA: “¡No hay problama!”

SHETLAND SHEEPDOG: “Maybe I’m for Sanders. My fur gets really downtrodden.”

GERMAN SHEPHERD: “You should be for Hillary. My Giant says lots of Giants are downtrodden and Hillary can bring them all together.”

SHETLAND SHEEPDOG: “Like herding? I’m good at herding.”

GERMAN SHEPHERD: “I guess.”

SHETLAND SHEEPDOG: “OK, then. Go Hillary!”

PUG: “We should take a poll!”

TERRIER MUTT: “A what, then?”

PUG: “That’s when the ear box rings during dinner but my Giants don’t answer because it’s ‘another damn poll!’ Then they yell about how ‘it’s none of their business who I support, and besides I hate them all!’ Then they give me a treat. And sometimes we take a walk.”

SCHNOODLE: “Polls sound great!”

TERRIER MUTT: “I’m for Hillary!”

GERMAN SHEPHERD: “Hillary.”

PUG: “OK! Sanders.”

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: “Trump.”

CHIHUAHUA: “¡No Hay Problema!”

SCHNOODLE: “Haunch!”

PUG: “There is no Haunch!”

SCHNOODLE: “Then who’s gonna make America grape again?”

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Beats me! But I know we’re not supposed to eat grapes.”

###

This article is part of “Sleeping Between Giants”, an ongoing series featured on the Write Good!: The Blog blog.

Sleeping Between Giants explores life – if you can call it that – with a terrier.

Your feedback is welcome, probably. dj

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) Days after SeaWorld announced it will stop breeding killer whales and cease theatrical shows featuring them, the theme park has quietly begun deporting its resident population of orcas.

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump hailed the move, claiming, as he often does at campaign rallies, that orcas are “a pack of job-stealing illegal immigrant fish.”

SeaWorld was quick to refute Trump’s assertion, calling him “misinformed.”

“They aren’t fish, okay? And they swim in pods, not packs,” said SeaWorld Director of Public Apologies Rocky “Aquaman” Butane.

“Oh, and whose jobs are performing orcas ‘stealing’? Actors? What professional actor is willing to put on an orca suit, swim for hours, and leap in the air just for a chunk of frozen squid? Besides Nicholas Cage, I mean.”

Killer whales forced to flee SeaWorld leave behind irreplaceable family photos, home furnishings, and a fortune in krill.

Killer whales forced to flee SeaWorld leave behind irreplaceable family photos, home furnishings, and a fortune in krill.

However, Trump on the campaign trail continued to take credit for the mass exiles, telling supporters, “These deportations are just the beginning.”

“I gotta tell you, folks, they’re not just killer whales,” Trump said. “A lot of them are drug dealer whales and rapist whales.

“And the media’s so scared, they won’t say a word. Just like they don’t talk about illegal jellyfish, who they’re too politically correct to call Portuguese Man-of-Wars.

“Well, here’s some news, folks. My first day as president, all these Portuguese Man-of-Wars – gone! Back to Spain, along with their fat, ugly Portuguese Woman-of-Wars wives!”

Asked if Trump’s comments were further splintering an already disjointed GOP, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus claimed he would not respond until he and his family were safely aboard their intergalactic escape ship and outside the orbit of Saturn.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

(WriteGoodTheNews wire service) Evidence of a ninth planet in the outer reaches of the solar system is further proof that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz is not a natural born American citizen, Donald Trump told Iowa supporters today.

“Look, I like the guy. I really do. I’m probably the only Earthling who does,” Trump said at a Cedar Rapids rally.

“I’m just saying, look! The guy comes from Canada, right? And space ships, they come from other places. Maybe Canada? I don’t know. And now scientists are saying they’ve discovered a whole new planet? And that’s another place, too.

“Look, I’m not saying that Ted has tentacles. But people are saying, ‘Hey, why’s he always wearing a jacket? What’s he hiding?’ Tentacles? I don’t know.”

Astronomers at the California Institute of Technology found evidence of the existence of a massive, icy planet beyond the orbit of Pluto, which they dubbed “Planet Nine” and Trump calls “Cruzanus.”

Bleak ninth planet appears covered with icy tundras, celestial debris, and candidate’s distinctive ear.

Bleak ninth planet appears covered with icy tundras, celestial debris, and candidate’s distinctive ear.

While researchers have carefully avoided political entanglements, they admit that the planet’s extreme distance from Earth and anomalous elliptical orbit would place it, like Cruz, well out of touch with most Americans.

Asked about Trump’s remarks, Sen. Cruz (R-Possibly TX) discounted the claim, calling them “unworthy of a response,” before spewing molecular acid in the face of the reporter.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts

%d bloggers like this: