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By Dave Jaffe

When it comes to political campaigns, dogs pay no attention to the news media, except for Wolf Blitzer whose name, they complain, is misleading.

However, dogs are heavily influenced by their Giants. In recent weeks, pets’ political discussions at the local dog park have grown so snarling, biting, contradictory and tail-chasing as to be indistinguishable from Fox News.

At the dog park, political discussions inevitably reduce to pissing matches. But so does everything.

At the dog park, political discussions inevitably reduce to pissing matches. But so does everything.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “…which is why I get a lot of knots, especially on my ears and neck, so that’s when I’ll bring her the comb, but sometimes she needs more than the comb because what I really need is a good brushing. So then I go get—ˮ

PUG: “The brush! Yeah, I get it! We all get it! Give it a rest!”

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: (Ears and tail droop.) “My Giant says with Sanders, you won’t get to talk to me like that.”

PUG: “What’s ‘Sanders’?”

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “He’s friend to the downtrodden, my Giant says.”

SCHNOODLE: “What’s ‘Downtrodden’?”

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “It means when you’re pushed down. Like how my fur grows sometimes. That’s when I need to fetch—ˮ

PUG: “If he mentions that brush again, I’m gonna worry his haunch!”

SCHNOODLE: “What’s ‘Haunch’?”

TERRIER MUTT: “That’s who I’m for.”

PUG: “Who?”

TERRIER MUTT: “Haunch! My Giants say he’s gonna make America grape again!”

SCHNOODLE: “I’m hungry!”

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: “You mean Trump, not Haunch. My Giant—you know, the yell-y one?”

ALL: “We know!”

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: “Well, my Giant says Trump is gonna build a huge, beautiful wall. Not just one of those invisible fences. Boy, those spook me! Anyway, this wall’s gonna keep out certain…you know…breeds. (Nods at Chihuahua.) No offense meant.

CHIHUAHUA: “¡No hay problama!”

SHETLAND SHEEPDOG: “Maybe I’m for Sanders. My fur gets really downtrodden.”

GERMAN SHEPHERD: “You should be for Hillary. My Giant says lots of Giants are downtrodden and Hillary can bring them all together.”

SHETLAND SHEEPDOG: “Like herding? I’m good at herding.”

GERMAN SHEPHERD: “I guess.”

SHETLAND SHEEPDOG: “OK, then. Go Hillary!”

PUG: “We should take a poll!”

TERRIER MUTT: “A what, then?”

PUG: “That’s when the ear box rings during dinner but my Giants don’t answer because it’s ‘another damn poll!’ Then they yell about how ‘it’s none of their business who I support, and besides I hate them all!’ Then they give me a treat. And sometimes we take a walk.”

SCHNOODLE: “Polls sound great!”

TERRIER MUTT: “I’m for Hillary!”

GERMAN SHEPHERD: “Hillary.”

PUG: “OK! Sanders.”

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: “Trump.”

CHIHUAHUA: “¡No Hay Problema!”

SCHNOODLE: “Haunch!”

PUG: “There is no Haunch!”

SCHNOODLE: “Then who’s gonna make America grape again?”

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Beats me! But I know we’re not supposed to eat grapes.”

###

This article is part of “Sleeping Between Giants”, an ongoing series featured on the Write Good!: The Blog blog.

Sleeping Between Giants explores life – if you can call it that – with a terrier.

Your feedback is welcome, probably. dj

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) Days after SeaWorld announced it will stop breeding killer whales and cease theatrical shows featuring them, the theme park has quietly begun deporting its resident population of orcas.

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump hailed the move, claiming, as he often does at campaign rallies, that orcas are “a pack of job-stealing illegal immigrant fish.”

SeaWorld was quick to refute Trump’s assertion, calling him “misinformed.”

“They aren’t fish, okay? And they swim in pods, not packs,” said SeaWorld Director of Public Apologies Rocky “Aquaman” Butane.

“Oh, and whose jobs are performing orcas ‘stealing’? Actors? What professional actor is willing to put on an orca suit, swim for hours, and leap in the air just for a chunk of frozen squid? Besides Nicholas Cage, I mean.”

Killer whales forced to flee SeaWorld leave behind irreplaceable family photos, home furnishings, and a fortune in krill.

Killer whales forced to flee SeaWorld leave behind irreplaceable family photos, home furnishings, and a fortune in krill.

However, Trump on the campaign trail continued to take credit for the mass exiles, telling supporters, “These deportations are just the beginning.”

“I gotta tell you, folks, they’re not just killer whales,” Trump said. “A lot of them are drug dealer whales and rapist whales.

“And the media’s so scared, they won’t say a word. Just like they don’t talk about illegal jellyfish, who they’re too politically correct to call Portuguese Man-of-Wars.

“Well, here’s some news, folks. My first day as president, all these Portuguese Man-of-Wars – gone! Back to Spain, along with their fat, ugly Portuguese Woman-of-Wars wives!”

Asked if Trump’s comments were further splintering an already disjointed GOP, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus claimed he would not respond until he and his family were safely aboard their intergalactic escape ship and outside the orbit of Saturn.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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(WriteGoodTheNews wire service) Evidence of a ninth planet in the outer reaches of the solar system is further proof that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz is not a natural born American citizen, Donald Trump told Iowa supporters today.

“Look, I like the guy. I really do. I’m probably the only Earthling who does,” Trump said at a Cedar Rapids rally.

“I’m just saying, look! The guy comes from Canada, right? And space ships, they come from other places. Maybe Canada? I don’t know. And now scientists are saying they’ve discovered a whole new planet? And that’s another place, too.

“Look, I’m not saying that Ted has tentacles. But people are saying, ‘Hey, why’s he always wearing a jacket? What’s he hiding?’ Tentacles? I don’t know.”

Astronomers at the California Institute of Technology found evidence of the existence of a massive, icy planet beyond the orbit of Pluto, which they dubbed “Planet Nine” and Trump calls “Cruzanus.”

Bleak ninth planet appears covered with icy tundras, celestial debris, and candidate’s distinctive ear.

Bleak ninth planet appears covered with icy tundras, celestial debris, and candidate’s distinctive ear.

While researchers have carefully avoided political entanglements, they admit that the planet’s extreme distance from Earth and anomalous elliptical orbit would place it, like Cruz, well out of touch with most Americans.

Asked about Trump’s remarks, Sen. Cruz (R-Possibly TX) discounted the claim, calling them “unworthy of a response,” before spewing molecular acid in the face of the reporter.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) In the wake of liberal-leaning Supreme Court rulings that support same-sex marriage and Obamacare, Republican party leaders are decrying the scarcity of negative emojis that adequately express their anger.

“‘OMG’ just isn’t cutting it,” complained House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). “Frankly,the sadface, and even the grumpyface icons barely express the depths of my disappointment. Much of the fault must be placed on my conservative-bashing liberal iPhone.”

Republican National Committee Communications Chair Rocky “Ace” Butane Previews GOP’s “Concept Emoji” slated for release in 2027.

Republican National Committee Communications Chair Rocky “Ace” Butane previews GOP’s “Concept Emoji” slated for release in 2027.

Following the Court’s rulings, a host of GOP presidential hopefuls took to social media in an effort to rally the three or four conservative millennials who follow them.

One of the strongest repudiations of the same-sex marriage ruling came from former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee who warned on his website that the country “must resist and reject judicial tyranny, not retreat.”

“I said as much to my Twitter follower using hashtag ‘must-resist-and-reject-judicial-tyranny,-not-retreat’, followed by a soccer ball and a kitty. Oh yeah, he got it!”

Other Republican candidates were not so successful.

“How can a frowning face with a single tear express the complete failure of Bush-appointed Supreme Court Justice Roberts?” questioned Donald Trump. “Most people use that icon to tell friends they didn’t like their lunch taco.

“Not that there’s anything wrong with tacos. I love the Mexican people,” Trump added.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) Hillary Clinton’s struggle to land a job ran into more difficulties this week when her old truck packed with all the family’s belongings “just gived out” near Monticello, Iowa.

“She’s still runnin’, just gotta dump some baggage,” explained Clinton spokesman Rocky Butane, quickly adding, “I mean the truck! Baggage from the truck!”

Jubilant, energized Hillary Clinton greets Dust Bowl refugees, withered crops, dead livestock as 2016 presidential campaign limps across Midwest.

Jubilant, energized Hillary Clinton greets Dust Bowl refugees, withered crops, dead livestock as 2016 presidential campaign limps across Midwest.

Last week, the former first lady, senator and secretary of state launched her latest attempt to find work – this time as president of the United States – with a long trek across a dust-choked, barren Iowa in an overloaded campaign panel truck referred to as the Hi-I’m-Hillary-and-I’m-Running-for-President-or-Bust Express.

“I’m hitting the road to earn your vote. Because it’s your time. And I hope you’ll join me on this journey,” Clinton told a group of five or six itinerant migrant workers huddled for warmth around a burning barrel beside the road. After chatting with Clinton, they helped fix her truck’s engine, then passed the hat, raising nearly $2 for her campaign. Clinton eagerly stuffed the bills into an empty coffee can on the dashboard.

“She’s plucky, I’ll give her that,” admitted one of the group. “But there ain’t no work ‘round here. No work, nowhere, I heared.

“Maybe in New Hampshire. But if she’s headed there, watch out for them Republican presidential hopefuls. Mean as a railroad dick. ‘Specially that little Rand Paul. He’s bat shit crazy!”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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A Write Good!: The News report

(WASHINGTON) In eleventh hour negotiations to steer clear of the looming “fiscal cliff”, congressional leaders are seeking advice from the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote – experts in similarly cartoonish precipice-related crises.

So far, calling on the risk management skills of misters Runner and Coyote is the only negotiation strategy that has received bipartisan support, admitted a solemn President Obama at an early Monday news conference held, uncharacteristically, in front of a huge, dark tunnel painted on a rock wall.

“Road Runner is particularly adroit at avoiding cliffs” said the president. “And Wile E. Coyote brings to the table a wealth of experience with crash landings – much like House Speaker Boehner,” he added before his remarks were drowned out by the horn of a locomotive approaching from behind.

Congressional leaders seek advice from fellow cartoon character.

Congressional leaders seek advice from fellow cartoon character.


Congressional leaders are well familiar with the potentially drastic results of falling off the fiscal cliff, noted a clearly frustrated Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

“We’re facing major tax increases, automatic spending cuts, a freeze in unemployment benefits, and a proliferation of those little exploding model airplanes that keep landing on Wile E. Coyote and blowing up,” said McConnell. “God, I loved that cartoon!”

A failure by lawmakers to reach agreement by midnight tonight could threaten an already fragile economy, but will have a severe and adverse effect on every American, with the exception of workers at Acme factories nationwide.

Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.
This story is courtesy of Write Good!: The News – “All the story, plus lies!

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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