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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
A Personal Message from Write Good!: The Legal Department
Posted in Humor on June 9, 2014| Leave a Comment »
DOT Compromises on In-flight Cell Phone Ban: Yes, to Phone Calls. No, to Oxygen Masks.
Posted in Humor, politics, technology, tagged airlines, airplane, aviation, ban, cell, cellphones, DOT, FAA, FCC, in-flight, iphone, mobile, phone, text, travel on December 24, 2013| 7 Comments »
A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”
(WriteGoodWire Services) Airplane passengers might soon win the right to make in-flight calls provided that airlines are permitted to eliminate “frills” such as oxygen masks, lighting and, in certain cases, wings, according to a deal hammered out by the Department of Transportation.
The compromise comes on the heels of a Federal Communication Commission vote to consider ending a ban on in-flight phone calls. Under current restrictions, flyers are forbidden from making calls between takeoff and landing unless they are A-List celebrities.
“New technologies have dramatically reduced the threat that cell phones pose to commercial airliners,” explained Capt. Rocky “Ace” Butane, DOT chairman. “Used to be that a phone’s autocorrect feature would cause landing gear bolts to unscrew. However, today’s sophisticated mobile devices can do little more than open micro fractures along the fuselage.
“Slap on a fresh coat of paint and you’re good to go!”
Replacing oxygen masks with phones a win-win for the airlines industry, except in an emergency.
Although on-flight phone usage has been an option much sought by flyers, consumer groups offered mixed reactions to the announcement.
“As a loud, obnoxious Oklahoman who chews with his mouth open and calls women ‘girlie’, I welcome the opportunity to disturb a wider range of complete strangers,” said Leo Pinterest, chairman of Annoying Pricks United.
“Bwah-HAH! Hyuk! HYUK! Am I right or am I right, girlie? (Buuurp!)” he added.
But it’s the reshuffling of safety priorities rather than gossipy passengers that concerns one frequent flyer who asked to be identified only by her ringtone, Beyonce’s Love on Top.
“Aren’t crying babies really distracting and dangerous? So, can’t they go in the overhead compartment until they calm down?” said Love on Top. “My mom used to do that to me. Only it was the vegetable bin in the refrigerator. And I wasn’t even crying. Not at first.”
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Fired Air Force General Can’t Keep His Nuclear Arsenal
Posted in Humor, politics, tagged Air Force, Carey, command, fired, gambling, general, Giardina, ICBM, investigation, misconduct, missile, nuclear, Pentagon, relieved, strategic, weapons of mass destruction on October 18, 2013| Leave a Comment »
Write Good!: The News goes international!
Well, Canada. Still, you need a passport.
Read the latest news from Write Good! appearing on The Sage, “Canada’s Best Source of Opinion & Misleading News.”
Burger King’s New Lower-Fat, Reduced Calories ‘Satisfries’ Also Ideal Construction Material
Posted in business, Humor, tagged Burger King, calories, construction, fast-food, fat, french fries, fries, hamburger, healthy, kid's meal, McDonald's, nutrition, oil, roofing, satisfries, vegetarian, Wendy's on October 7, 2013| 2 Comments »
A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”
(WriteGoodwire) While consumer acceptance of Burger King’s recently introduced “Satisfries” remains tepid, the chain’s new healthy option to conventional french fries is proving to be an excellent building material, especially in the roofing trade.
“These things are nearly indestructible,” said general contractor Jerry “Buck” Yablonski. “They appear to be waterproof, can be heat-welded, and are ideal for creating a mechanically-fastened thermoplastic roof.
“Taste? I don’t know. I mean, I haven’t eaten one or anything.”
Burger King’s new ‘Satisfries’ – the ideal lower-calories, weather-resistant, food-like construction material.
This innovative use of Satisfries comes as welcome news to Burger King, locked in battle with McDonald’s, Wendy’s and other restaurant chains for fast-food supremacy.
“Satisfries represent an astonishing breakthrough in boiling-oil-related technologies, much like fusion,” explained BK Industries spokesman Devon Frier during a news conference. “They address our customers’ demand for a french fry that is both a health-conscious alternative and a crappy junk food.”
Asked what he meant by ‘crappy junk food,’ Frier covered the microphone, spoke urgently with an assistant, then added, “No more questions. The bar’s open!”
While secretive about the production process, Burger King administrators boast that Satisfries have 20 percent less fat than traditional fries and 30 percent less fat than a block of fat. The crinkle-cut pattern ensures less oil absorption, promotes better rain runoff, and keeps roof gutters free of leaves and debris.
“Ewwww!” explained 15-year-old fast food enthusiast Tracy Mander.
The low-calorie, low-fat Satisfries cost 20- to 30-cents more per serving than conventional french fries due to the strict tariffs imposed by France, the sole supplier of America’s potatoes, salt and oil.
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Already in Development, Next iPhone Will Include Espresso Maker, Feature Sexually Pleasing Shape
Posted in business, Humor, marketing, technology, tagged 5c, 5s, apple, emerging, fingerprint, iOS, iphone, market, mobile, security, smartphone, technology, Wall Street on September 20, 2013| Leave a Comment »
A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”
(WriteGoodwire) As Wall Street investors decry Apple Inc’s new high-end iPhone 5s and cheap, plastic piece-of-shit iPhone 5c, the next generation iPhone 6 promises to include more features than anyone could possibly want.
“So, it’s not enough that the iPhone can scan your fingerprints? Fine! The iPhone 6 will be able to change your fingerprints,” hinted a clearly vexed Corky Panderman, Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Hype. “And the camera can take pictures through six inches of lead.”
“Now get those frickin’ mikes outta my face!” he added to reporters gathered at the company’s Cupertino campus.
Apple poised to unveil the gimmick-laden iPhone 6c Swiss Army Cell and the high-end, provocative Anatomically Correct iPhone 6s.
The tepid response to the new iPhone 5 models has revived fears that the company’s innovative days are over. Further fueling concerns are complaints from emerging Asian markets that the phones’ features aren’t despotic enough.
To correct that, the iPhone 6 promises to be both fun and oppressive, said Apple officials.
With the iPhone 5 models to go on sale Friday, Sept. 19, industry experts agree that it’s too early to criticize Apple for a misstep. Nearly 47 percent of early focus groups said the brightly colored 5c phone was “Ooooo, pretty! Shiny!” Another 22 percent giggled and clapped their hands; and 14 percent drew pictures of it that they posted on mom’s ‘fridge.
Mindful of the competitive pressures in the mobile phone marketplace, Apple will add a third model to the iPhone 6 generation. The iPhone 6d-minus will boast the 6c’s laughable overabundance of accessories and the 6s’s sexually gratifying design, but at one-third the cost.
However, it will not make calls.
The iPhone 6 models are scheduled for rollout next month to coincide with the rollout of the iPhone 7. And possibly the iPhone 8.
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Shark Challenges Nyad Record: Vows to Cross US, Eat Her
Posted in Humor, lifestyle, tagged cage, Cuba, current, endurance, Florida, jellyfish, Key West, marathon, Nyad, ocean, perseverance, shark, sport, sting, swam, swim on September 7, 2013| 7 Comments »
A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”
(PORTLAND, OREGON) Stung by the success of endurance swimmer Diana Nyad’s arduous passage from Cuba to Florida, a shark is attempting an overland cross-country marathon aided only by a Vespa scooter.
The great white shark, unnamed because it’s a shark, left the Columbia River near Astoria, Oregon on Thursday and has been traveling rural roads en route to Interstate 5 through Portland, then will head east for 3,107 miles.
If all goes as planned, the fish will return to the Atlantic Ocean off Rockland, Maine after devouring the townspeople.
Shark’s cross-country marathon requires plenty of hydrating fluids, sun screen and an occasional human leg (not shown here.)
This is the shark’s fourth attempt at conquering the grueling continental crossing. The first two failed because of unanticipated highway tolls. On its third try the plucky great white made it as far as Davenport, Iowa but was forced to turn back after slaughtering an orphanage full of children.
“It’s the quitting that hurts,” said friend and trainer Angus Ferguson. “Well, that and the harpoons.”
While Nyad had to contend with the danger of treacherous currents, unpredictable squalls and stinging jellyfish, the shark’s primary concern is lack of water, now that Roy Scheider is dead.
“Dehydration is expected. The shark replenishes from a sports bottle I carry. Mostly Gatorade, electrolytes, some krill,” Ferguson explained.
“And, of course, the big fish must be submerged in a water-filled trailer every 15 minutes for two-to-three hours. That’s going to affect our time, but you make trade-offs.”
Besting Nyad and, with any luck, finding and eating her is no doubt foremost in this determined predator’s mind – or rather the sensory processing hindbrain that serves as its mind. But more important is the courageous shark’s inspiring message of perseverance and personal sacrifice – a valuable sports lesson in the wake of the doping scandal that cost so many Chilean sea bass Olympic gold in Beijing.
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
How to Create an Effective and Uplifting Elevator Pitch: Get it? Uplifting?
Posted in business, business writing, Humor, marketing, writing tips, tagged elevator, hiring, image, interview, investor, job search, networking, pitch, speaker, speech, toastmasters on August 29, 2013| 6 Comments »
Crafting a short, snappy, yet engaging elevator pitch so intimidates even the most confident business leaders that many prefer to take the stairs.
Although an excellent fitness choice, the lack of a succinct elevator pitch puts today’s entrepreneur at risk of missing important business opportunities as well as exacerbating ankle tendon problems. Yet developing a memorable, attention-getting elevator pitch is simplicity itself if you follow a few basic speaking rules, demonstrate a command of your topic, and ice your leg muscles after strenuous exertion.
To properly formulate your elevator pitch, it’s advisable to understand the history of the elevator and possess a detailed comprehension of the machinery involved.
Folklore would have us believe that the elevator was invented by American industrialist Elisha Graves Otis. But that would just be folklore jacking us around again like it did with that whole moon landing thing.
Early, slow-moving elevators meant long, formal elevator speeches
In fact, elevators were in operation long before Otis, in 1854, introduced a safety device that prevented them from falling when the cable snapped. His attempts to market the device lead to the earliest recorded elevator pitch:
OTIS: “Shit! Sure hope that cable doesn’t snap.”
CLIENT: “Oh, Sweet Jesus! We’re all gonna die!”
OTIS: “Maybe not. Sign here.”
Thus, an elevator “pitch” or “speech” refers to a concise synopsis of your business that can be effectively communicated to someone in an elevator moving from, say, the second to third floor. Going down, use the same pitch, only backwards.
Brevity is the key to a successful pitch. We’d explain in detail, but that would miss the point. Instead, let’s examine the elements that contribute to a winning presentation.
Vitally important to your elevator speech is that it quickly engage listeners. This can prove difficult as the heady rush of acceleration in fast-rising elevators drains blood from passengers’ brain leaving them temporarily disoriented, confused and possibly retching blood. In such cases, apply a tourniquet to their throat, then press the buttons for every floor to buy you time.
After ensuring that your listener is out of immediate medical danger – pallor clear, pupils no longer dilated – begin your pitch with a question. This serves as an intriguing icebreaker, provided that it flows naturally, comfortably into a description of your business.
LISTENER: “M..Mom?”
PITCHER: “No, you’re still on the elevator. Deep breaths, now. Say, ever wonder how that Hannibal Lecter fella’ skins his victims?”
LISTENER: “Wha..What?”
PITCHER: “The movies get it all wrong. I should know. My flourishing company manufactures state-of-the-art potato peelers at economical prices!”
LISTENER: “Oh, Sweet Jesus! We’re all gonna die!”
A powerful first impression, no? Yet just as effective, should these two meet again at business events or court-ordered psychiatric evaluations. Honing an elevator speech to this level of sophistication requires that you practice it on anyone who will listen – like family, friends and business colleagues – and many who won’t – again, like family, friends and business colleagues.
Rehearse in front of a mirror. Refine your gestures, attend your posture, and most important, articulate your words. The goal here is that your lip movements should exactly match those of your reflection. If they don’t, press the “reset” button on the cable box.
Frankly, there’s no shortcut to developing a masterful elevator speech. But with a lot of dedicated work and a little luck you could be ready by the time your business folds and your company goes into receivership.
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Acknowledgement of Area 51 Existence Enrages Facility’s Freakishly Oblong, Multi-limbed Civil Servants
Posted in Humor, politics, Science, tagged aircraft, alien, Area 51, artifact, autopsy, CIA, conspiracy, extraterrestrial, Independence Day, military, Roswell, secret, sightings, spacecraft, spy, UFO, unidentified on August 20, 2013| 8 Comments »
A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”
(NEVADA) Now that CIA documents have confirmed the existence of Area 51, government employees there worry that their jobs are at risk, especially during this season’s critically-timed harvest of the Queen’s hybrid larvae.
“The expected increase in tourists to this ostensibly secret military facility will pose an enormous strain on our security budget. And I can’t just reassign staff willy-nilly. I’ll have nobody left to maintain the tri-chromium collectors, let alone the mesmeric hypno-phase inducers,” complained Area 51 Dark Cycle Supervisor S’Rin “Larry Johnson” b’Tll.
Area 51 government employees like “Larry” are concerned that declassified CIA documents might draw tourists, distract workers, and “complicate the Supreme Arachnoid’s stratagem.”
The recently declassified documents for the first time mention Area 51 by name and identify its longtime use as a military base to develop cutting-edge aircraft.
The documents clearly demystify the base’s long-held fiction as a cache for extraterrestrial artifacts and life forms. However, self-proclaimed “UFOlogists” will doubtless continue to question the meaning of unredacted phrases like “crippled spacecraft”, “ovoid, greyish heads”, “pawns in a galactic war”, and “Velcro”.
“Yes, we have a lot of circus folk employed here,” admitted “Johnson.” “But they’re hard workers and loyal Americans, every one!
“Why can’t we just be left alone to do our jobs, enjoy our families, and propagate and nurture our pupae in the moist, cave-like environs deep beneath your Earth.
“Of course, I mean ‘our Earth’”, he added.
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Butter Cow Vandals Vow to Escalate Protests Once Everyone Stops Laughing
Posted in crime, Humor, Science, tagged activist, agriculture, animal, Butter, cow, Iowa State Fair, lab-grown, liberation, paint, protest, sculpture, vandalism, vegan, vegetarian on August 13, 2013| 4 Comments »
A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”
(DES MOINES) An animal welfare group responsible for spilling red paint on a butter cow sculpture at the Iowa State Fair is threatening to intensify their attacks until a fearful public shakes its head in annoyance and mutters, “Well, I never!”
“You have forced our hand and now butter must suffer!” read a news release from the Iowans for Animal Liberation that claimed responsibility for the vandalism. “Sorry! Enjoy the rest of the fair.”
The cow, which is constructed of 600 pounds of butter over a wood and metal armature, is housed in the fair’s refrigerated room with other butter sculptures. To gain access to the display, the animal welfare activists hid in the Agriculture Building disguised as beets.
The butter was quickly patched and paint damage to the sculpture was repaired through an art restoration process described as “wiping it off.”
The words “Freedom for all” were scrawled on a display window – part of a “wake-up call” to those who consume animal products, the news release explained.
“We really argued about that wording,” noted the statement. “Ernie and Celeste were insisting on ‘Stop me before I sauté again!’ We couldn’t tell if they were kidding because, we are told, we have no sense of humor.”
Animal welfare activists plan protests of lab-grown meat once they figure out which part is the animal.
The Iowans for Animal Liberation have threatened to embolden their stance through the future protests of their international organization, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. That organization’s next target will be the recently unveiled laboratory-grown beef developed by Dutch scientists who hope one day to alleviate world hunger.
“We’re gonna kick the shit out of that one just as soon as we figure out why it’s wrong,” said activists.
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Thefts, Misconduct by TSA Employees Enrages Snowden: “At Least Russian Airport Workers are Polite to Traitors-Slash-Whistleblowers!”
Posted in Humor, politics, tagged airport, Asylum, congressional, GAO, government, Homeland Security, misconduct, Moscow, Russia, security breach, sleeping, Snowden, theft, Transportation Security, TSA, workplace on August 6, 2013| Leave a Comment »
A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”
(MOSCOW) Shocking increases in accusations of wrongdoing by Transportation Security Administration officers has drawn strong condemnation from ranking congressional members of Homeland Security, as well as a snippy “Told’ja so!” from fugitive former U.S. spy agency contractor Edward Snowden.
“See? That’s why I didn’t seek refuge at Dallas/Fort Worth International or, say, Eppley Airfield near Omaha. The TSA couldn’t be trusted not to steal the secrets that I’d worked so hard to steal,” Snowden told reporters.
According to a Government Accountability Office report, complaints against TSA officers rose 27 percent from 2010 to 2012. While only 56 of the more than 9,000 allegations in that period dealt with theft, nearly a third were for unexcused absences or repeated tardiness.
Another 20 percent were for sleeping on the job, failing to follow procedures, generally being kinda jerks, sighing a lot, and making fun of travelers’ souvenir purchases – often rolling their eyes, smirking and saying things like, “Oooo! Classy!”
“There’s just no place for that sort of rudeness,” complained Snowden who, after spending more than five weeks in Moscow’s Sheremetyevo airport, was granted a year’s asylum by Russia.
Russian TSA counterparts remind traveler to extinguish all smoking materials for his own safety.
“Russia’s TSA counterparts here couldn’t have been nicer. They kept me supplied with moist towelettes, were always buying me drinks, and constantly offered to store the heavy leather valise I keep chained to my wrist,” Snowden told reporters before slipping quietly away from the airport inside the turret of a Russian T-90 battle tank.
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
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