Write Good!: The News goes international!
Well, Canada. Still, you need a passport.
Read the latest news from Write Good! appearing on The Sage, “Canada’s Best Source of Opinion & Misleading News.”
Archive for the ‘politics’ Category
Fired Air Force General Can’t Keep His Nuclear Arsenal
Posted in Humor, politics, tagged Air Force, Carey, command, fired, gambling, general, Giardina, ICBM, investigation, misconduct, missile, nuclear, Pentagon, relieved, strategic, weapons of mass destruction on October 18, 2013| Leave a Comment »
Acknowledgement of Area 51 Existence Enrages Facility’s Freakishly Oblong, Multi-limbed Civil Servants
Posted in Humor, politics, Science, tagged aircraft, alien, Area 51, artifact, autopsy, CIA, conspiracy, extraterrestrial, Independence Day, military, Roswell, secret, sightings, spacecraft, spy, UFO, unidentified on August 20, 2013| 8 Comments »
A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”
(NEVADA) Now that CIA documents have confirmed the existence of Area 51, government employees there worry that their jobs are at risk, especially during this season’s critically-timed harvest of the Queen’s hybrid larvae.
“The expected increase in tourists to this ostensibly secret military facility will pose an enormous strain on our security budget. And I can’t just reassign staff willy-nilly. I’ll have nobody left to maintain the tri-chromium collectors, let alone the mesmeric hypno-phase inducers,” complained Area 51 Dark Cycle Supervisor S’Rin “Larry Johnson” b’Tll.
Area 51 government employees like “Larry” are concerned that declassified CIA documents might draw tourists, distract workers, and “complicate the Supreme Arachnoid’s stratagem.”
The recently declassified documents for the first time mention Area 51 by name and identify its longtime use as a military base to develop cutting-edge aircraft.
The documents clearly demystify the base’s long-held fiction as a cache for extraterrestrial artifacts and life forms. However, self-proclaimed “UFOlogists” will doubtless continue to question the meaning of unredacted phrases like “crippled spacecraft”, “ovoid, greyish heads”, “pawns in a galactic war”, and “Velcro”.
“Yes, we have a lot of circus folk employed here,” admitted “Johnson.” “But they’re hard workers and loyal Americans, every one!
“Why can’t we just be left alone to do our jobs, enjoy our families, and propagate and nurture our pupae in the moist, cave-like environs deep beneath your Earth.
“Of course, I mean ‘our Earth’”, he added.
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Thefts, Misconduct by TSA Employees Enrages Snowden: “At Least Russian Airport Workers are Polite to Traitors-Slash-Whistleblowers!”
Posted in Humor, politics, tagged airport, Asylum, congressional, GAO, government, Homeland Security, misconduct, Moscow, Russia, security breach, sleeping, Snowden, theft, Transportation Security, TSA, workplace on August 6, 2013| Leave a Comment »
A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”
(MOSCOW) Shocking increases in accusations of wrongdoing by Transportation Security Administration officers has drawn strong condemnation from ranking congressional members of Homeland Security, as well as a snippy “Told’ja so!” from fugitive former U.S. spy agency contractor Edward Snowden.
“See? That’s why I didn’t seek refuge at Dallas/Fort Worth International or, say, Eppley Airfield near Omaha. The TSA couldn’t be trusted not to steal the secrets that I’d worked so hard to steal,” Snowden told reporters.
According to a Government Accountability Office report, complaints against TSA officers rose 27 percent from 2010 to 2012. While only 56 of the more than 9,000 allegations in that period dealt with theft, nearly a third were for unexcused absences or repeated tardiness.
Another 20 percent were for sleeping on the job, failing to follow procedures, generally being kinda jerks, sighing a lot, and making fun of travelers’ souvenir purchases – often rolling their eyes, smirking and saying things like, “Oooo! Classy!”
“There’s just no place for that sort of rudeness,” complained Snowden who, after spending more than five weeks in Moscow’s Sheremetyevo airport, was granted a year’s asylum by Russia.
Russian TSA counterparts remind traveler to extinguish all smoking materials for his own safety.
“Russia’s TSA counterparts here couldn’t have been nicer. They kept me supplied with moist towelettes, were always buying me drinks, and constantly offered to store the heavy leather valise I keep chained to my wrist,” Snowden told reporters before slipping quietly away from the airport inside the turret of a Russian T-90 battle tank.
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Supreme Court Hurriedly Finishes All Their Shit Before Heading to Lauderdale on Summer Break
Posted in Humor, opinion, politics, tagged Anthony Kennedy, appeals, DOMA, gay marriage, Ginsburg, John Roberts, justices, Lauderdale, same-sex marriage, Scalia, spring break, summer break, supreme court, voting rights on July 2, 2013| Leave a Comment »
A Write Good!: The News report
Write Good!: The News — “All the story, plus lies!”
A historic Supreme Court session that saw major rulings affecting the Voting Rights Act and the Defense of Marriage Act ended with the justices sprinting for the parking lot to split for summer break.
“I am SO out of here!” yelled a jubilant Chief Justice John Roberts as he balled up his judicial robes and tossed them in the back seat of his Ford Fiesta. “LAUDERDALE! WooooEEEE!,” he added.
“Shotgun!” shouted Justice Antonin Scalia, piling into the passenger side.
Justices of the Roberts Court loosen up and “get down” with their peers during summer break in Fort Lauderdale.
Standing in the lobby of the Supreme Court Building, Justice Anthony Kennedy declined to comment on the dramatic rulings by the conservative-leaning high court that marked a dramatic defeat for racial minorities and a powerful victory for gay rights.
However, Kennedy, jingling his car keys and repeatedly checking his watch, was overheard to remark “̒Zat it? We done?” to nearby Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Elena Kagan. Ginsburg, busily texting, did not respond. However, a laughing Kagan, making air quotes, replied, “What evs!”
“The conclusion of the Court’s term each summer presents a unique study of contradictions,” explained Court historian Manuel Procedendo of the Constitutional Accountability Center. “It’s a time for the justices to analyze new petitions, consider applications and motions, and prepare for upcoming cases. But usually they just get shit-face wasted.
“Man, are they gonna raise Hell,” Procedendo added thoughtfully as the remaining justices waved wildly from the windows of High Court One, the Supreme Court’s constitutionally mandated recreational vehicle festooned with a banner reading “U.S. vs Team Bacardi! Drink Responsibly.”
“This could be the Rehnquist Court all over again!”
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
More Layoffs at Chicago Sun-Times: Reporters Eliminated, Vowels Abolished
Posted in Humor, marketing, opinion, politics, pr, tagged John H. White, journalism, labor, lay off, management, media, newspaper, photographers, reporter, Sun-Times on June 10, 2013| Leave a Comment »
A Write Good!: The News report
Write Good!: The News — “All the story, plus lies!”
(CHICAGO) In the wake of the Chicago Sun-Times lay off of its entire photography staff as it seeks to reach a more “digitally savvy” audience, the newspaper continued that bold campaign Monday by sacking all of its reporters and eliminating the use of vowels in news stories.
“Just as photography has given way to video content in meeting the demands of our digitally savvy audiences, the rapid pace of news has outstripped the Sun-Times’ need for slow-moving reporters, with all their phone calls and ‘reliable sources’ and fact checking,” according to a statement from the newspaper.
“Plus all their loud typing and the coffee stains everywhere – it drives us crazy!”
To combine news gathering efficiency with enhanced multimedia content, reporters will be replaced with the Sun-Times newspaper delivery staff equipped with iPhones.
“Those kids on their bikes go everywhere. They probably see lots of news. Real stuff, too. Not just politics and all that overseas crap,” said Dolph Flagin, former assistant delivery dispatcher and now Sun-Times managing editor. “They can cover a story, write it, make a video, then fling it at your door all at the same time. They’ll even write those editorials, I’ll bet. They’re always giving me their opinions.
“Bunch’a loudmouths,” Flagin added.
New Sun-Times reporter covering pro-evil conference takes notes, writes story, shoots video, folds newspaper, then flings on doorstep. (Photo courtesy of same reporter.)
“How many letters are really needed to convey a thought? Has Wheel of Fortune taught us nothing?” said Derrick Fn of the Poynter Institute for Media Studies.
While traditional new gathering concerns itself with questions of Who? What? When? Where? and Why?, the Sun-Times fledging reporting staff will bolster efficiency by only focusing on “Who?” and “When?”
Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Monopoly Guy Sues Hasbro: “Cat Just Crapped in Old Shoe!”
Posted in Humor, lifestyle, opinion, politics, pr, tagged boardgames, cat, contest, games, Hasbro, iron, Monoply, property, scottie, token, wheelbarrow on February 17, 2013| 5 Comments »
A Write Good!: The News report
(MONOPOLY) In a blistering denunciation of the new cat token recently added to the popular board game that bears his name, The Monopoly Guy has filed a multi-million dollar criminal negligence lawsuit against toymaker Hasbro that could have a devastating effect on the real estate, railroad, water and energy markets, and also a couple of the other game pieces.
The lawsuit stems from an online contest in which Monopoly fans voted to replace the least popular token with a more “relevant” one, Hasbro explained of a game that still features a wheelbarrow as a popular mode of transportation.
The cat received 31 percent of votes, edging out competing tokens that included newcomers guitar, helicopter, another cat – only a different cat, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and a veal chop.
“This is nothing less than socialism taken to its nightmarish extreme!” the iconic tuxedo clad, top hat sporting The Monopoly Guy decried during an impromptu news conference on the steps of the city’s courthouse and corrections facility that he insisted he was “just visiting.”
Enigmatic The Monopoly Guy shown here on highly controversial, short-lived Community Chest card.
“That cat is more than a nuisance: it’s a damn menace!” said The Monopoly Guy. “I’ve spoken to several other tokens – you know, the ones with lips – they’re living in abject terror, afraid to venture into some neighborhoods. Well, Baltic Avenue, of course, but now they won’t even go near those yellow and green properties. Some tokens are refusing to leave the lavish hotels I own, even to sponge off the Obama-funded Community Chest in order to pay my extremely affordable rents.
“It’s like I’m being robbed,” The Monopoly Guy added while turning out his empty pockets and dramatically shrugging his shoulders.
Wealthy, flamboyant, yet enigmatic, The Monopoly Guy has long been the game’s nameless persona, although throughout the years he’s been dubbed Rich “Uncle” Pennybags, Mr. Monoply and Mitt Romney.
Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.
This story is courtesy of Write Good!: The News – “All the story, plus lies!”
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Desperate to Avoid Fiscal Cliff, Lawmakers Strategize with Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote
Posted in Humor, opinion, politics, tagged bipartisan, blame, Boehner, congress, congressional, deadline, Democrat, fiscal cliff, House, McConnell, negotiations, Obama, Reid, Republican, Senate, tax cuts, tax increases on December 31, 2012| 2 Comments »
A Write Good!: The News report
(WASHINGTON) In eleventh hour negotiations to steer clear of the looming “fiscal cliff”, congressional leaders are seeking advice from the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote – experts in similarly cartoonish precipice-related crises.
So far, calling on the risk management skills of misters Runner and Coyote is the only negotiation strategy that has received bipartisan support, admitted a solemn President Obama at an early Monday news conference held, uncharacteristically, in front of a huge, dark tunnel painted on a rock wall.
“Road Runner is particularly adroit at avoiding cliffs” said the president. “And Wile E. Coyote brings to the table a wealth of experience with crash landings – much like House Speaker Boehner,” he added before his remarks were drowned out by the horn of a locomotive approaching from behind.
Congressional leaders seek advice from fellow cartoon character.
Congressional leaders are well familiar with the potentially drastic results of falling off the fiscal cliff, noted a clearly frustrated Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.
“We’re facing major tax increases, automatic spending cuts, a freeze in unemployment benefits, and a proliferation of those little exploding model airplanes that keep landing on Wile E. Coyote and blowing up,” said McConnell. “God, I loved that cartoon!”
A failure by lawmakers to reach agreement by midnight tonight could threaten an already fragile economy, but will have a severe and adverse effect on every American, with the exception of workers at Acme factories nationwide.
Write Good!: The News is a money-losing subsidiary of Write Good!: The Blog.
This story is courtesy of Write Good!: The News – “All the story, plus lies!”
Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.
Write Good!: The Blog 