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Archive for the ‘politics’ Category

SeaWorld Deports Killer Whales; Trump Vows “Jellyfish Next!”

Posted in Humor, politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2016| 2 Comments »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) Days after SeaWorld announced it will stop breeding killer whales and cease theatrical shows featuring them, the theme park has quietly begun deporting its resident population of orcas.

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump hailed the move, claiming, as he often does at campaign rallies, that orcas are “a pack of job-stealing illegal immigrant fish.”

SeaWorld was quick to refute Trump’s assertion, calling him “misinformed.”

“They aren’t fish, okay? And they swim in pods, not packs,” said SeaWorld Director of Public Apologies Rocky “Aquaman” Butane.

“Oh, and whose jobs are performing orcas ‘stealing’? Actors? What professional actor is willing to put on an orca suit, swim for hours, and leap in the air just for a chunk of frozen squid? Besides Nicholas Cage, I mean.”

Killer whales forced to flee SeaWorld leave behind irreplaceable family photos, home furnishings, and a fortune in krill.

Killer whales forced to flee SeaWorld leave behind irreplaceable family photos, home furnishings, and a fortune in krill.

However, Trump on the campaign trail continued to take credit for the mass exiles, telling supporters, “These deportations are just the beginning.”

“I gotta tell you, folks, they’re not just killer whales,” Trump said. “A lot of them are drug dealer whales and rapist whales.

“And the media’s so scared, they won’t say a word. Just like they don’t talk about illegal jellyfish, who they’re too politically correct to call Portuguese Man-of-Wars.

“Well, here’s some news, folks. My first day as president, all these Portuguese Man-of-Wars – gone! Back to Spain, along with their fat, ugly Portuguese Woman-of-Wars wives!”

Asked if Trump’s comments were further splintering an already disjointed GOP, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus claimed he would not respond until he and his family were safely aboard their intergalactic escape ship and outside the orbit of Saturn.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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New Planet is Cruz’ Birth World, Claims Trump

Posted in Humor, politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on January 22, 2016| 8 Comments »

(WriteGoodTheNews wire service) Evidence of a ninth planet in the outer reaches of the solar system is further proof that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz is not a natural born American citizen, Donald Trump told Iowa supporters today.

“Look, I like the guy. I really do. I’m probably the only Earthling who does,” Trump said at a Cedar Rapids rally.

“I’m just saying, look! The guy comes from Canada, right? And space ships, they come from other places. Maybe Canada? I don’t know. And now scientists are saying they’ve discovered a whole new planet? And that’s another place, too.

“Look, I’m not saying that Ted has tentacles. But people are saying, ‘Hey, why’s he always wearing a jacket? What’s he hiding?’ Tentacles? I don’t know.”

Astronomers at the California Institute of Technology found evidence of the existence of a massive, icy planet beyond the orbit of Pluto, which they dubbed “Planet Nine” and Trump calls “Cruzanus.”

Bleak ninth planet appears covered with icy tundras, celestial debris, and candidate’s distinctive ear.

Bleak ninth planet appears covered with icy tundras, celestial debris, and candidate’s distinctive ear.

While researchers have carefully avoided political entanglements, they admit that the planet’s extreme distance from Earth and anomalous elliptical orbit would place it, like Cruz, well out of touch with most Americans.

Asked about Trump’s remarks, Sen. Cruz (R-Possibly TX) discounted the claim, calling them “unworthy of a response,” before spewing molecular acid in the face of the reporter.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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Reeling GOP Frustrated Over Lack of Negative Emojis

Posted in Courts, Humor, politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 1, 2015| 3 Comments »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) In the wake of liberal-leaning Supreme Court rulings that support same-sex marriage and Obamacare, Republican party leaders are decrying the scarcity of negative emojis that adequately express their anger.

“‘OMG’ just isn’t cutting it,” complained House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). “Frankly,the sadface, and even the grumpyface icons barely express the depths of my disappointment. Much of the fault must be placed on my conservative-bashing liberal iPhone.”

Republican National Committee Communications Chair Rocky “Ace” Butane Previews GOP’s “Concept Emoji” slated for release in 2027.

Republican National Committee Communications Chair Rocky “Ace” Butane previews GOP’s “Concept Emoji” slated for release in 2027.

Following the Court’s rulings, a host of GOP presidential hopefuls took to social media in an effort to rally the three or four conservative millennials who follow them.

One of the strongest repudiations of the same-sex marriage ruling came from former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee who warned on his website that the country “must resist and reject judicial tyranny, not retreat.”

“I said as much to my Twitter follower using hashtag ‘must-resist-and-reject-judicial-tyranny,-not-retreat’, followed by a soccer ball and a kitty. Oh yeah, he got it!”

Other Republican candidates were not so successful.

“How can a frowning face with a single tear express the complete failure of Bush-appointed Supreme Court Justice Roberts?” questioned Donald Trump. “Most people use that icon to tell friends they didn’t like their lunch taco.

“Not that there’s anything wrong with tacos. I love the Mexican people,” Trump added.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.writegoodtheblog.com, is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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Out of Food, Short on Gas, Depression-era Hillary Clinton Trudges from Dust Bowl Iowa Toward New Hampshire

Posted in Humor, politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2015| Leave a Comment »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) Hillary Clinton’s struggle to land a job ran into more difficulties this week when her old truck packed with all the family’s belongings “just gived out” near Monticello, Iowa.

“She’s still runnin’, just gotta dump some baggage,” explained Clinton spokesman Rocky Butane, quickly adding, “I mean the truck! Baggage from the truck!”

Jubilant, energized Hillary Clinton greets Dust Bowl refugees, withered crops, dead livestock as 2016 presidential campaign limps across Midwest.

Jubilant, energized Hillary Clinton greets Dust Bowl refugees, withered crops, dead livestock as 2016 presidential campaign limps across Midwest.

Last week, the former first lady, senator and secretary of state launched her latest attempt to find work – this time as president of the United States – with a long trek across a dust-choked, barren Iowa in an overloaded campaign panel truck referred to as the Hi-I’m-Hillary-and-I’m-Running-for-President-or-Bust Express.

“I’m hitting the road to earn your vote. Because it’s your time. And I hope you’ll join me on this journey,” Clinton told a group of five or six itinerant migrant workers huddled for warmth around a burning barrel beside the road. After chatting with Clinton, they helped fix her truck’s engine, then passed the hat, raising nearly $2 for her campaign. Clinton eagerly stuffed the bills into an empty coffee can on the dashboard.

“She’s plucky, I’ll give her that,” admitted one of the group. “But there ain’t no work ‘round here. No work, nowhere, I heared.

“Maybe in New Hampshire. But if she’s headed there, watch out for them Republican presidential hopefuls. Mean as a railroad dick. ‘Specially that little Rand Paul. He’s bat shit crazy!”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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Tearful Indiana Tells Dr. Phil ‘I was Bullied into Enacting Religious Freedom Bill’

Posted in Humor, lifestyle, politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2015| 4 Comments »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) In an appearance on Dr. Phil, a frightened, sobbing State of Indiana claimed it was pressured by bigger, older states into signing a controversial “religious freedom” bill.

“They…they said that all the cool states were enacting it,” Indiana told the Dr. Phil Show audience. “They said it would be easy. That it was no big deal and it wasn’t really hurting anybody. Well, maybe gays and stuff.”

“And was it ‘no big deal?’”, Dr. Phil pressed.

Indiana tells Dr. Phil religious freedom bill was misguided attempt to fit in with popular states, like Oregon, Maryland, and ‘that one that’s shaped like Zac Efron. God, he’s so cute!’

Indiana tells Dr. Phil religious freedom bill was misguided attempt to fit in with popular states, like Oregon, Maryland, and ‘that one that’s shaped like Zac Efron. God, he’s so cute!’

“No, the opposite! Everybody’s mad at me. Multinational Corporations are all, ‘Oooo, you suck!’ And people are getting all boycott-y. It’s not my fault. Don’t judge me!”

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, who held the state’s trembling hand throughout the interview, cautioned against judging the bill as discriminatory against gays and lesbians until after he rules out a 2016 presidential run.

“And you know the N.C.A.A.?” sniffed Indiana, “We were going together to the Final Four in Indianapolis next week. Now he might cancel. And I really, really liked him.

“Stupid, stupid potentially discriminatory, socially conservative, Republican-led legislative measure!”

Coming up on The Dr. Phil Show: “I’m Carrying Arizona’s Baby!”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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Obama: Short List of Defense Secretary Replacements Included Putin, Skynet

Posted in Humor, politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 6, 2014| 4 Comments »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) Washington, D.C. – Announcing that Ashton Carter will replace outgoing Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, President Barack Obama also praised other candidates who, although passed over, were “both qualified and scary.”

After extolling Carter for his 30-years federal service and in-depth understanding of the defense department’s inner workings, President Obama acknowledged the powerful skill sets offered by the other potential nominees.

“Some are despots, some are imaginary, at least one is Russian. But all are deeply loyal Americans. Well, not the Russian,” said the President, referring to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Candidates for top defense post thank President Obama, vow to band together as Legion of Secretaries of Defense of Doom

Candidates for top defense post thank President Obama, vow to band together as Legion of Secretaries of Defense of Doom

Capitol Hill insiders speculate that Putin was included only because of his strong, unapologetic military stance and that he eats babies.

Also considered for the top defense post:
• Mothra
• Mike Ditka
• Jimmy’s uncle’s pit bull mix
• Lex Luther
• Dalek Prime
• The Joker
• Dark Ghandi
• A really big bomb.

President Obama noted that Carter, a physicist-trained weapons expert and former No. 2 Pentagon official, is better equipped than any other candidate to face the nation’s dire global challenges despite his lack of even the most basic superhuman powers, except for an indestructible, fusion-driven titanium hand.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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Jubilant McConnell, Victorious Republicans Declare, “Let the Hunger Games Begin!”

Posted in Humor, politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2014| Leave a Comment »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – Elated over the Republican sweep in the midterm elections, Sen. Mitch McConnell vowed that reconciliation with Democrats is assured provided that “they, and all Americans, follow my instructions.”

“To the letter!” emphasized McConnell during a news conference held at the rubble-strewn site of what was once the Lincoln Memorial. That national monument was razed in the early hours following Tuesday’s election returns in order to “make a statement”, according to a brief news release from the Republican National Committee.

The terse announcement read in full, “We have destroyed the Lincoln Memorial to make a statement.” The release was unsigned except for a burning skull.

GOP leaders greet new senators: Republicans in red battle skirts, Democrats in blue.

GOP leaders greet new senators: Republicans in red battle skirts, Democrats in blue.

McConnell, who will be promoted to majority leader as a result of last Tuesday’s elections, brushed off reporters insistent questions with a casual, “Seize them!” Security personal, uncharacteristically dressed in Roman legionnaire regalia, quickly cleared the room, except for a Fox News journalist.

Republicans have been quick to voice their willingness to reach accord with President Obama on a range of legislative and policy issues. However, they are already refining their agenda with new items that might prove contentious, including:

• Americans must regurgitate all medications taken since the Affordable Care Act became law.
• Strengthen US-Mexico border with a fence made of illegal immigrants glued together.
• Nuke yet-to-be-identified bastards back to the Stone Age.
• Obey Koch Industries.
• Cancel Christmas.
• Kneel before Zod!

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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White House Secret Service Prepares to Repel Trick-or-Treaters

Posted in Humor, politics, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2014| 4 Comments »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – New White House security measures that run the gamut for technologically sophisticated to magical have been implemented to safeguard President Barrack Obama from Halloween trick-or-treaters.

“While we aren’t anticipating trouble from the neighborhood kids this year, we are prepared to take lethal action. In fact, we look forward to it,” explained interim U.S. Secret Service Director Rocky “Ace” Butane.

Trick-or-treater and potential White House intruder Timmy Madison, 8 and an octopus, shown here moments before being wrestled to the ground and disarmed of his Hershey bar.

Trick-or-treater and potential White House intruder Timmy Madison, 8 and an octopus, shown here moments before being wrestled to the ground and disarmed of his Hershey bar.

The significant security upgrades come amid revelations that an armed intruder who jumped the White House fence and entered the Executive Mansion last month penetrated far deeper than first disclosed by the Secret Service. Agency officials claimed he had been subdued just inside the entrance.

However, during a contentious Capitol Hill hearing about the breach it was revealed that the intruder tried to enter the Green Room – a parlor often used for formal teas – then moved on to the White House kitchen, where he made himself a turkey sandwich with jack cheese, lettuce and light mayonnaise before walking the Obama family dog Bo who, apparently, isn’t worth shit.

Butane discounted allegations that the intruder also watched pro football in the East Room with several agents before being captured.

“That’s absurd! There was no game on that night,” said Butane.

That day of rancorous questioning on the Hill led to the resignation of Julia Pierson as head of the Secret Service. The new, more aggressive, if somewhat unorthodox, White House security measures, have been implemented by incoming Secret Service director Wile E. Coyote.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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DOT Compromises on In-flight Cell Phone Ban: Yes, to Phone Calls. No, to Oxygen Masks.

Posted in Humor, politics, technology, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 24, 2013| 7 Comments »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGoodWire Services) Airplane passengers might soon win the right to make in-flight calls provided that airlines are permitted to eliminate “frills” such as oxygen masks, lighting and, in certain cases, wings, according to a deal hammered out by the Department of Transportation.

The compromise comes on the heels of a Federal Communication Commission vote to consider ending a ban on in-flight phone calls. Under current restrictions, flyers are forbidden from making calls between takeoff and landing unless they are A-List celebrities.

“New technologies have dramatically reduced the threat that cell phones pose to commercial airliners,” explained Capt. Rocky “Ace” Butane, DOT chairman. “Used to be that a phone’s autocorrect feature would cause landing gear bolts to unscrew. However, today’s sophisticated mobile devices can do little more than open micro fractures along the fuselage.

“Slap on a fresh coat of paint and you’re good to go!”

Replacing oxygen masks with phones a win-win for the airlines industry, except in an emergency.

Replacing oxygen masks with phones a win-win for the airlines industry, except in an emergency.


Although on-flight phone usage has been an option much sought by flyers, consumer groups offered mixed reactions to the announcement.

“As a loud, obnoxious Oklahoman who chews with his mouth open and calls women ‘girlie’, I welcome the opportunity to disturb a wider range of complete strangers,” said Leo Pinterest, chairman of Annoying Pricks United.

“Bwah-HAH! Hyuk! HYUK! Am I right or am I right, girlie? (Buuurp!)” he added.

But it’s the reshuffling of safety priorities rather than gossipy passengers that concerns one frequent flyer who asked to be identified only by her ringtone, Beyonce’s Love on Top.

“Aren’t crying babies really distracting and dangerous? So, can’t they go in the overhead compartment until they calm down?” said Love on Top. “My mom used to do that to me. Only it was the vegetable bin in the refrigerator. And I wasn’t even crying. Not at first.”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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NSA Apologizes for Monitoring Allies Phones: Promises Free Pizzas for All

Posted in politics, technology, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2013| Leave a Comment »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGoodWire Services) – Responding to revelations that the National Security Agency secretly monitored the phones of millions of foreign citizens, the agency hopes to make amends by offering a free Domino’s pizza or stuffed cheesy bread to everyone affected.

In a contrite news release, the NSA said “We truly regret disappointing our customers, especially since no one knows that they’re our customers.”

Files leaked by Edward Snowden suggest that the agency tracked the mobile phones of 60 million Spanish and 70 million French citizens in a single month, including the cell phones of the leaders of allied countries.

Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany displays her free pizza – an apology from NSA for monitoring her cell phone. The NSA also offered to kill one person for her.

Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany displays her free pizza – an apology from NSA for monitoring her cell phone. The NSA also offered to kill one person for her.

Analysis of NSA surveillance operations worldwide revealed that 438-million calls were to order pizza for delivery. Another 86-million requested pizza for pickup, 327,000 added a side salad, and only two calls discussed plutonium.

In the hope of quelling protests by citizens overseas, the agency is promising a free medium thin-crust pizza – one topping only – to every person whose name appeared in NSA files. Trained field agents will deliver the pizzas personally, although for security reasons will leave them in train depot storage lockers, beneath drain pipes, or in the dark corners of abandoned factories.

“But within 30 minutes,” said the release.

“The NSA is deeply sorry for any inconvenience you might have experienced in our efforts to defeat terrorists and their organizations at home and abroad,” the release stated. “Customer satisfaction is our number one goal, although we cannot divulge to customers what we do, where we do it or who is harmed in the process.

“If you have questions or would like further details, expect our call as we know how to reach you.”

Asked about the program, a spokesman for Domino’s Pizza responded, “They’re doing what? When?”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

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