Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

We rescued a terrier, although why anyone would is beyond me.

Terriers are what dingos strive to be – wild dogs semi-domesticated because there’s something in it for them. Terriers are the The Joker of the animal kingdom.

Yet my wife and I chose a terrier. We felt obliged to our formerly alive terrier, Oxford, a young thug who matured into a dignified, coldly ruthless mob leader lacking only a fedora and Miami tan. His rule was paternal, loyal but arrogant. He passed away to a kidney ailment although he’d have preferred withering under police machine gun fire in a Chicago alley.

He left behind his muscle, Brisby, a German schnauzer-French poodle mix ever at odds with himself. Now with no one to guide him except a couple of pet owners who just didn’t “get me”, Brisby risked succumbing to a lifestyle of violence, drug addiction and madness.

So we got him another little thug.

Choosing to adopt a homeless dog is not an easy decision, and frankly, Sarah McLachlan isn’t helping. It’s not that I don’t want to rescue an abused animal that’s pretty much just a snout, a collar and half a paw. I just don’t have the emotional strength. I’ve always acquired my dogs from well-established, responsible breeders that I’ve never heard of except afterwards when they appear on the national news.

Going the shelter route was our way of giving back to the community without actually giving anything back. The dogs are bargain priced to move. Our veterinarian offers a steep discount on the initial checkup. Friends and family treat us like heroic characters from a Dickens novel.

And with relatively little effort we located a very social, black and white, cow-eyed terrier, about a year old. We bonded immediately, brought him into our fold, and within weeks he’d hacked our passwords and begun siphoning our accounts. But he was housebroken.

Terriers, like Budleigh, are energetic dogs that, with the proper diet and training, can vibrate through walls.

Terriers, like Budleigh, are energetic dogs that, with the proper diet and training, can vibrate through walls.

April 30 is National Adopt a Shelter Pet Day – a significant holiday that falls between Hairball Awareness Day and International Turtle Day. Our new terrier, Budleigh, has enriched all facets of our lives, with the exception of footwear. For those considering adopting a shelter dog, here are a few tips to make the transition easier:

1. All shelters name their dogs “Bandit”. No one knows why. It’s ok to change it.

2. Like Congress, not all shelter dogs are housebroken. This is easily managed with a pooper scooper and an educated, informed electorate.

3. There really is a Hairball Awareness Day.

4. Acquaint yourself with the many dog breeds so you know what to expect.
Retrievers, for example, make excellent companions but have become so popular that our nation is rapidly running out of things to retrieve.

5. Ensure an ideal match by carefully evaluating a shelter dog’s behavior when you first meet. Is he wiggly and licky or does he just hand you a business card? The former might be great with children, the latter a potential corporate investor.

Like many first-time adopters, my wife and I feared we’d be overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising a rescue dog. Yet, Budleigh, now in his fifth month with us, has proved no more a challenge than if we’d both pursued medical degrees.

All dogs want is to love their people and fit into the pack. Dog owners just need to commit a bit of time and patience and they’ll be rewarded with a wiggly, licky, devoted little buddy, or at very least a reliable corporate investor.

dj

Read Full Post »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) Hillary Clinton’s struggle to land a job ran into more difficulties this week when her old truck packed with all the family’s belongings “just gived out” near Monticello, Iowa.

“She’s still runnin’, just gotta dump some baggage,” explained Clinton spokesman Rocky Butane, quickly adding, “I mean the truck! Baggage from the truck!”

Jubilant, energized Hillary Clinton greets Dust Bowl refugees, withered crops, dead livestock as 2016 presidential campaign limps across Midwest.

Jubilant, energized Hillary Clinton greets Dust Bowl refugees, withered crops, dead livestock as 2016 presidential campaign limps across Midwest.

Last week, the former first lady, senator and secretary of state launched her latest attempt to find work – this time as president of the United States – with a long trek across a dust-choked, barren Iowa in an overloaded campaign panel truck referred to as the Hi-I’m-Hillary-and-I’m-Running-for-President-or-Bust Express.

“I’m hitting the road to earn your vote. Because it’s your time. And I hope you’ll join me on this journey,” Clinton told a group of five or six itinerant migrant workers huddled for warmth around a burning barrel beside the road. After chatting with Clinton, they helped fix her truck’s engine, then passed the hat, raising nearly $2 for her campaign. Clinton eagerly stuffed the bills into an empty coffee can on the dashboard.

“She’s plucky, I’ll give her that,” admitted one of the group. “But there ain’t no work ‘round here. No work, nowhere, I heared.

“Maybe in New Hampshire. But if she’s headed there, watch out for them Republican presidential hopefuls. Mean as a railroad dick. ‘Specially that little Rand Paul. He’s bat shit crazy!”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) In an appearance on Dr. Phil, a frightened, sobbing State of Indiana claimed it was pressured by bigger, older states into signing a controversial “religious freedom” bill.

“They…they said that all the cool states were enacting it,” Indiana told the Dr. Phil Show audience. “They said it would be easy. That it was no big deal and it wasn’t really hurting anybody. Well, maybe gays and stuff.”

“And was it ‘no big deal?’”, Dr. Phil pressed.

Indiana tells Dr. Phil religious freedom bill was misguided attempt to fit in with popular states, like Oregon, Maryland, and ‘that one that’s shaped like Zac Efron. God, he’s so cute!’

Indiana tells Dr. Phil religious freedom bill was misguided attempt to fit in with popular states, like Oregon, Maryland, and ‘that one that’s shaped like Zac Efron. God, he’s so cute!’

“No, the opposite! Everybody’s mad at me. Multinational Corporations are all, ‘Oooo, you suck!’ And people are getting all boycott-y. It’s not my fault. Don’t judge me!”

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, who held the state’s trembling hand throughout the interview, cautioned against judging the bill as discriminatory against gays and lesbians until after he rules out a 2016 presidential run.

“And you know the N.C.A.A.?” sniffed Indiana, “We were going together to the Final Four in Indianapolis next week. Now he might cancel. And I really, really liked him.

“Stupid, stupid potentially discriminatory, socially conservative, Republican-led legislative measure!”

Coming up on The Dr. Phil Show: “I’m Carrying Arizona’s Baby!”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) Washington, D.C. – Announcing that Ashton Carter will replace outgoing Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, President Barack Obama also praised other candidates who, although passed over, were “both qualified and scary.”

After extolling Carter for his 30-years federal service and in-depth understanding of the defense department’s inner workings, President Obama acknowledged the powerful skill sets offered by the other potential nominees.

“Some are despots, some are imaginary, at least one is Russian. But all are deeply loyal Americans. Well, not the Russian,” said the President, referring to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Candidates for top defense post thank President Obama, vow to band together as Legion of Secretaries of Defense of Doom

Candidates for top defense post thank President Obama, vow to band together as Legion of Secretaries of Defense of Doom

Capitol Hill insiders speculate that Putin was included only because of his strong, unapologetic military stance and that he eats babies.

Also considered for the top defense post:
• Mothra
• Mike Ditka
• Jimmy’s uncle’s pit bull mix
• Lex Luther
• Dalek Prime
• The Joker
• Dark Ghandi
• A really big bomb.

President Obama noted that Carter, a physicist-trained weapons expert and former No. 2 Pentagon official, is better equipped than any other candidate to face the nation’s dire global challenges despite his lack of even the most basic superhuman powers, except for an indestructible, fusion-driven titanium hand.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – The European Space Agency’s celebration of the Philae lander’s historic arrival on a distant comet was dashed today when a sixth-grade student revealed that the whole mission was a hoax he created to get out of gym.

Bradley Thomas Rucker, 12, a student at Charles Middleton Junior High School in Tinley Park, Illinois, perpetrated the prank by using Chicken McNuggets and a space diorama he’d built for extra credit in science class. How the hoax might have excused Rucker from gym remains unclear, although he vaguely referenced his concerns about an upcoming curls, pull-ups, and timed shuttle run test.

“I was just kidding around,” Rucker said at a joint ESA/Middleton Bobcats Pep Rally news conference. “I told Jamie and Marcus but swore them to shut up about it, that it was just a joke. But then Marcus has to be so cool and right away texts Kelly, like she’ll be really impressed. Which she isn’t. And she texted everybody.

“And then the ESA was all, ‘Look! We landed on a comet! Hurrah for us!’”

Reimaged data from the Philae lander reveals Chicken McNuggets-related inconsistencies.

Reimaged data from the Philae lander reveals Chicken McNuggets-related inconsistencies.

A subdued ESA Liaison to Small Heads Rocky “Ace” Butane conceded that scientists should have been more suspicious when the agency began receiving fresh telemetry from the lander after 10-years travel to the distant two-mile wide Comet 67p/Churyumov-Gerasimenko.

“Honestly? We figured it had slammed into the sun years ago. They always do,” Butane said.

The hoax came apart when an initial review of data from the lander revealed the comet surface to be unexpectedly high in saturated fat, cholesterol and sodium.

“Such findings would be more consistent with a planetary body of a far greater size and nutritional value,” said Butane.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – Elated over the Republican sweep in the midterm elections, Sen. Mitch McConnell vowed that reconciliation with Democrats is assured provided that “they, and all Americans, follow my instructions.”

“To the letter!” emphasized McConnell during a news conference held at the rubble-strewn site of what was once the Lincoln Memorial. That national monument was razed in the early hours following Tuesday’s election returns in order to “make a statement”, according to a brief news release from the Republican National Committee.

The terse announcement read in full, “We have destroyed the Lincoln Memorial to make a statement.” The release was unsigned except for a burning skull.

GOP leaders greet new senators: Republicans in red battle skirts, Democrats in blue.

GOP leaders greet new senators: Republicans in red battle skirts, Democrats in blue.

McConnell, who will be promoted to majority leader as a result of last Tuesday’s elections, brushed off reporters insistent questions with a casual, “Seize them!” Security personal, uncharacteristically dressed in Roman legionnaire regalia, quickly cleared the room, except for a Fox News journalist.

Republicans have been quick to voice their willingness to reach accord with President Obama on a range of legislative and policy issues. However, they are already refining their agenda with new items that might prove contentious, including:

• Americans must regurgitate all medications taken since the Affordable Care Act became law.
• Strengthen US-Mexico border with a fence made of illegal immigrants glued together.
• Nuke yet-to-be-identified bastards back to the Stone Age.
• Obey Koch Industries.
• Cancel Christmas.
• Kneel before Zod!

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – New White House security measures that run the gamut for technologically sophisticated to magical have been implemented to safeguard President Barrack Obama from Halloween trick-or-treaters.

“While we aren’t anticipating trouble from the neighborhood kids this year, we are prepared to take lethal action. In fact, we look forward to it,” explained interim U.S. Secret Service Director Rocky “Ace” Butane.

Trick-or-treater and potential White House intruder Timmy Madison, 8 and an octopus, shown here moments before being wrestled to the ground and disarmed of his Hershey bar.

Trick-or-treater and potential White House intruder Timmy Madison, 8 and an octopus, shown here moments before being wrestled to the ground and disarmed of his Hershey bar.

The significant security upgrades come amid revelations that an armed intruder who jumped the White House fence and entered the Executive Mansion last month penetrated far deeper than first disclosed by the Secret Service. Agency officials claimed he had been subdued just inside the entrance.

However, during a contentious Capitol Hill hearing about the breach it was revealed that the intruder tried to enter the Green Room – a parlor often used for formal teas – then moved on to the White House kitchen, where he made himself a turkey sandwich with jack cheese, lettuce and light mayonnaise before walking the Obama family dog Bo who, apparently, isn’t worth shit.

Butane discounted allegations that the intruder also watched pro football in the East Room with several agents before being captured.

“That’s absurd! There was no game on that night,” said Butane.

That day of rancorous questioning on the Hill led to the resignation of Julia Pierson as head of the Secret Service. The new, more aggressive, if somewhat unorthodox, White House security measures, have been implemented by incoming Secret Service director Wile E. Coyote.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – Paleontologists have unearthed the fossilized skeleton of a dinosaur so huge that it probably was a bully that didn’t take criticism well.

The remarkably complete remains discovered in Argentina reveal a behemoth that weighed some 65 tons and was 85 feet long.

“It weighed more than a dozen elephants and was the length of at least five cars, all of them parked illegally in a handicapped zone,” says Professor Kenneth Lacovara, who discovered the creature.

<em>Gigantic Dreadnoughtus dinosaur was plant-eater.  All the plants.  Everywhere.</em>

Gigantic Dreadnoughtus dinosaur was plant-eater. All the plants. Everywhere.

Dubbed Dreadnoughtus schrani, the super-large dinosaur would have dwarfed its closest titanic rival, the FuckYouosaurous Rex, a meat-eater that was utterly insensitive to the feelings of others, says Lacovara.

“We learn from fossil records that possibly due to their massive, bony armor and razor-sharp claws, many dinosaurs had an over-developed sense of entitlement, which is common in bullies,” explains Lacovara.

Dreadnoughtus was no different. Clumsy and ponderous compared with other dinosaurs, Dreadnoughtus compensated for its own inadequacy and incompetence by stepping on them.

Scientists have long speculated that dinosaurs were jerks. Adding greater validity to this theory is the discovery, close by the Dreadnoughtus dig, of the petrified remains of a smaller dinosaur’s lunch money.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGood!WireServices) – The public’s unfounded safety concerns over genetically engineered foods might result in higher costs in the grocery store, as well as a potentially catastrophic battle between the forces of good and evil.

A powerful grass-roots movement is fueling legislation that could soon require companies to disclose on food labels if products contain GMOs, or Gigantic Mothra-like Organisms.

The food industry is pouring millions of dollars into lobbying efforts to defeat GMO food labeling bills. Educating a misinformed public about the benefits of genetically engineered products has become the voluntary responsibility of farmers, scientists, and those people who have gained preternatural powers through freakish accidents.

“Benefits? Do I even need to list them?” Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro, told attendees at a recent joint 4-H/Atomic Energy Commission meeting. “Why bother when I can simply project my thoughts directly into your weak, homo sapien minds?”

<em>Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, explains the benefits of GMOs and orders us to obey. Obey!</em>

Malcolm Toynbee, aka Asparagastro of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, explains the benefits of GMOs and orders us to obey. Obey!


According to Toynbee’s mind-cast, GMOs have had genetic material altered to produce a desirable trait. Examples include insect-resistant corn, nutritionally enriched grains, and half-cow, half-human hybrids that produce milk and can announce their “sell by” date.

Critics of mandatory labeling warn of increased food handling costs as growers and grocers struggle to implement radiation protocols, outfit employees with containment suits, and fortify shelves with lead shielding.

However, Vermont’s recent enactment of the nation’s first genetically modified food labeling law has been well received by local residents. Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin also welcomed the legislation provided it doesn’t hinder his state’s ongoing development of a bulletproof maple syrup.

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

A Write Good!: The News report — “All the story, plus lies!”

(WriteGoodWire Services) CHICAGO – Cracks in Willis Tower’s clear glass Ledge have forced building officials to reconsider their latest tourist attraction, tentatively named “103-Story Rope Bridge of Doom, The Ride!”

Tower administrators insist that Skydeck visitors were never in danger when cracks appeared in the four glass boxes that extend just over four feet out from the skyscraper, about 1,350 feet above the city.

“The structural integrity was never compromised,” said Willis Tower Security Laminator Jerzy Blunt. “Observation enclosure technology is vastly improved since the prototypes we originally installed. Those employed a type of glass commonly used for Flintstones tumblers – the kind they give away at gas stations with a fill up.

“Those enclosures shattered all the time. A lot of tourists complained and a few were a little bit, you know, killed.”

Willis Tower Unveils New Thrill Experience.  (Action Figures Not Included.)

Willis Tower Unveils New Thrill Experience. (Action Figures Not Included.)


The Rope Bridge of Doom is the latest example of buildings that strive to attract visitors by pairing the illusion of danger with the cost savings of shoddy architecture, such as SeaWorld’s Drownatorium and most Marriott Hotels.

“No matter how dangerous the Bridge appears to patrons, Willis Tower is confident that we’ve retained sufficient legal protection from them,” said Blunt.

“Oh, and for riders there are life vests, or something.”

Permission to re-use this material for non-commercial purposes is granted provided that Dave Jaffe, www.davejaffecomm.com is appropriately credited as the author and source. Please feel free to link to this page.

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »